Brianna's Blog

Pesach Cleaning

2010-03-08T22:11:00.002-05:00

I didn't go off the derech for the fringe benefits, but I have to admit that they are really nice. One of the many is that I don't have to clean for Pesach. I should still do a Spring cleaning at some point, but there's no manic scrubbing or frantic covering of counter tops. My mother gave me a whole bunch of chometz so I didn't even have to go food shopping this week! Life is good.

What Are The Rules?

2010-02-23T17:16:00.002-05:00

Call me young, naive and silly but I'm of the belief that laws should be uniformly enforced. The reality is that laws are often arbitrarily enforced, sometimes for political reasons and sometimes it's based on the temperature of some bureaucrat's coffee on a particular morning. I think that's insane.

Case and point: Immigration laws. The law says that entering the United States illegally is a crime. The reality is that if you are a Mexican and enter the United States illegally, you will practically have a welcome mat rolled out for you - with the wording in Spanish no less! You will get all sorts of government benefits that your own government wouldn't even dream of giving you.

Several major roads in the area where I live are absolutely covered in illegal aliens. Dozens, sometimes hundreds of them. They're not difficult to find. If the government wanted to, they could be picked up and deported in no time. In fact, I would have no problem offering my services for free, and call up ICE every time I saw one to help them with their efforts.

The thing is that the government has no interest in deporting illegal Mexicans. They don't care how many Mexicans cross the border every day. Instead, immigration laws are used against illegal immigrants from more developed countries - people who speak English and are literate enough to contribute more to the United States than they take in benefits. People from countries such as Israel.

http://www.jewishtimes.com/index.php/jewishtimes/news/jt/national_news/federal_authorities_move_to_deport_illegal_israeli_immigrants/17173

The link above describes a vendetta by the United States government to deport Israelis who work at those mall kiosks everyone has seen. I hate those kiosks just as much as the next person - truly I do. The workers are pushy and annoying, and the products are worthless. That said, I would much rather have people who speak English and have jobs coming to the United States than illiterate Mexicans who cost us far more in emergency room bills, WIC and foodstamps than in any perceived benefit they provide through cheap labor.

So why are immigration laws selectively enforced? Politics, plain and simple. It's horrendous and it should be illegal. Either enforce a law or don't. But don't enforce it when it's convenient for you. That's just wrong.

On Being A Loud Mouth

2010-01-11T20:46:00.002-05:00

I suppose I've never really been shy about expressing myself. I have the most fascinating conversations with complete strangers sometimes - whether on line at the supermarket or waiting for a seat at a local restaurant. Seriously. In fact a couple of days ago I had a conversation with an older couple about the social implications and undertones of the 80's movie Fatal Attraction. Don't ask how it came up because I don't remember.

It's kind of nice living in a world where self expression no longer gets me sent to the principal's office. However being so opinionated (I have an opinion on practically everything) can take its toll. I tend to get stressed out. Luckily there's a form of catharsis almost built in. I write letters. At least four or five a week.

In the past week I wrote the president to let him know exactly what I think of his current policies (I managed not to use a single curse word but it still wasn't pretty), the town where I live about the massive hole in the road (no it's not just a little pothole - trust me on that) as well as a congressman and senator or two. Not that any of them care what I think. But it feels good just to get the words onto a sheet of paper. And chances are some underpaid aides will at least glance at the letters before they are unceremoniously dropped into a garbage bin.

Not all of my letters are about complaints though. No, don't get the wrong idea. I recently wrote this company in Canada that manufactures the most delicious chicken nuggets ever invented (email me if you're curious). To my complete surprise, I received a personalized reply today from them thanking me for my kind words. They even sent me a cute kitchen magnet.

I doubt many people write to companies unless they are upset or want something. It must be kind of thrilling for someone who deals with complaints all day to get a letter essentially saying "I like the job your company is doing. Thank you and keep doing what you're doing!" Try it sometime. Pick a product you like, find out what their contact mailing address is and tell them that you really enjoy it. You probably won't get a response but just sending the letter feels good. Trust me.

Not Trusting the Internet

2009-12-16T14:28:00.002-05:00

In an age of Twitter and Facebook and billions of dollars in internet sales, it's hard to imagine that anyone is still uncomfortable placing an order online. But there are. At my job, I get calls every single day from people who refuse to place their order online and insist on having a real person place it for them.

What they don't understand is that I'm entering their information into the same system they would, and their information is actually less secure that way since they're giving a live human being their credit card information. There is a market for credit card information, you know; a black market where there are sales like "buy 20 credit card numbers, get two free". It doesn't really matter because I'm not an unscrupulous person. But plenty of people are.

I guess they're just old fashioned. It's not that hard to understand. I mean I'm twenty two and the internet was in widespread use by the time I was a teenager. But for someone who's over fifty and not overly educated the internet could very well seem to be a mysterious and untrustworthy invention. You enter your information and where exactly does it go? How is it protected? You and I understand the basics of internet security and encryption, but they don't.

These are the same people who write checks and letters and like doing business with a real human being. As old fashioned as that is, I can see the appeal. Yes I buy almost everything online and have been banking online since the moment I turned eighteen. But I'm from another generation. One that's more plugged into technology and less interested in genuine human interaction. You know, the kind that doesn't involve text messaging or social networking sites. Just sitting and having a chat.

Yes technology is awesome and convenient, but I think there is still some value in unplugging every so often. Otherwise humanity will end up eventually resembling the blobs in Wall-E. How's that for food for thought.

Ten Ways to Get IDed at a Bar

2009-12-10T20:28:00.002-05:00

Some bars are really strict about IDing anyone and everyone. I know this because my grandmother once got asked for ID. And there's no way anyone's mistaking her for someone under twenty one. But even the most lax bars will ask you for your ID if you make one or more of these ten mistakes:

1. Giggling and/or whispering. Dead giveaway.
2. Acting nervous.
3. Dressing like a high school kid.
4. Glitter. Anything with glitter. Especially eyeshadow.
5. Looking like you broke into your Mommy's makeup bag. Less is more, girls.
6. Ordering a drink as if you've never done it before. Research what you want beforehand and order it as if you've done it a million times before.
7. Drawing unnecessary attention to yourself by being louder than everyone else.
8. Coming in groups of more than two. When you have three or four people it's much easier to spot under-agers.
9. Displaying a fake ID when you're not even asked for ID.
10. Annoying the bar tender.

If you dress and act like you're over 21, chances are you'll be able to enjoy your time at the bar in peace.

Disclaimer: I do not condone underage drinking, nor do I admit to having done it myself.

My Conversation With CitiBank

2009-12-01T16:24:00.003-05:00

He called himself a "moderate" but my economics professor was decidedly left of center. It was a year ago, and he was extolling the virtues of the new credit card bill which would supposedly make things "fair" for consumers. Expecting me to rail against the idea (since conservative leaning libertarians are heartless), my professor asked me what I thought. I pointed out that the bill looked fine on paper but would likely have unexpected consequences. When you make it more expensive for credit companies to do business, they can be expected to raise rates, and the most pressure would be put on the poorest among us. That gave him some food for thought.

Fast forward to the present and we are already seeing the credit card companies' response. Practically everyone has received letters in the mail stating that rates are going up. For those people who are carrying a balance, that will hurt significantly. I don't carry a balance, but I don't like the idea of my rates going up anyway. One day I will apply for a mortgage and I want to have a solid history of low rates on my credit lines. So when I got my very own letter, I picked up the phone and called Citibank, the issuer of my Driver's Edge card.

After wading through the phone menu, I spoke with a lovely Indian woman who after screening the call as she was trained to transfered me to an American woman in the credit department. I explained that I knew the credit environment had changed as a result of the recession and the new credit card bill which is scheduled to kick in soon, but I think that based on my excellent credit history - no late payments, low credit utilization etc as well as my long time as a customer my rate should be negotiated individually.

The fact that I was calm, nice and rational about the whole thing shocked the woman I was speaking with. She asked me if I was a finance major. I laughed and told her that I majored in economics. Then she proceeded to level with me. Basically, they have no wiggle room to negotiate until February because of the current upheaval. The company expects thousands of their customers to call up yelling and screaming and their response is to tell the employees to just take the abuse but not budge. But when the dust settles they'll be able to negotiate lower rates for truly low risk customers.

Amazing what you can learn when you're nice to the person at the other end of the phone. I'll be giving them a call back in February.

How To Remove Netflix DVD Labels

2009-11-03T19:27:00.003-05:00

I would like to preface this by saying that I have personally used this method successfully many times, however use it at your own risk. If anything at all goes wrong, that's your problem - not mine. Anyway, now that we got the disclaimer over with, let's begin.

Netflix, my favorite DVD rental company, recently started putting little white circular stickers on their DVDs to help make things more efficient. That's all well and good, but certain ancient DVD players (such as the one in my laptop) have a hard time with the slight difference the sticker makes and refuse to play DVDs that have them on.

Here's the easiest way I know of to remove them.

Materials:

Tweezers (don't use your girlfriend's - get your own)
Goo Gone (I like the spray gel form available at Walmart and other retailers)
Sink or water bottle
Disposable tissue or toilet paper
Disposable paper or plastic plate

Directions:

1. Put the DVD onto the disposable plate.
2. Apply Goo Gone to the sticker on the DVD.
3. Let it sit for two or three minutes.
4. Wipe off the Goo Gone with a tissue or some pieces of toilet paper.
5. Holding the DVD in one hand and holding your tweezers in the other, slide one side of the tweezers between the sticker and the DVD.
6. Squeeze the tweezers shut and gently pull the sticker off.
7. Put the DVD back onto the disposable plate.
8. Apply more Goo Gone to make sure any sticky residue is removed.
9. Wash the DVD and then dry it with some more tissue or toilet paper.
10. Enjoy your movie.

It's important to use a disposable plate so that the surface underneath your DVD (such as a wooden table) isn't damaged by the Goo Gone. The purpose of the Goo Gone is to loosen the sticker from the DVD and remove the residue the sticker leaves behind. And using tweezers is much smarter than using your fingernail. I learned that the hard way.

Anyway, hope that helps. Please comment if you find this information useful.

Stupid Posts On RipoffReport.com

2009-10-08T21:31:00.002-04:00

If you didn't know already, there's this site called RipoffReport.com that gives regular consumers a way to fight back against unscrupulous individuals and companies. In principal, I like the idea. However, I have found that most postings are by complete morons who didn't live up to their end of the bargain.

Examples of types of posts you will see again and again if you check out this site:

1. "The company closed my credit card! Boo hoo!"

My response: I don't know when people started to get this idea, but a credit card is not a right. It is a line of credit that a bank can give or take away from you at their discretion. 99% of the time, your credit card will be canceled because your credit score dropped or you didn't use the card for several months. In any case, if not having a credit card has a significant impact on your life, you need to learn money management skills fast.

2. "The bank charged me an overdraft fee even though times are tough and my mother is in the hospital/I just lost my job/my son needs a tutor! Banks should be charities and never charge me fees just because I am irresponsible!"

My response: Tough freaking luck. Checking accounts are finite. If you spend more money than you have in your account, the bank is forced to give you a loan. And they charge you for that loan. If this was a total anomaly, most banks will refund the fee. But if it happens more than once a year, it's your fault. I don't care what's going on in your life, sad as it may be. Banks aren't charities. If you want a free loan, call up a relative. As long as that person isn't me.

3. "I fell for a quick money/get rich quick scheme! Boo hoo!"

My response: You're an idiot. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Any work at home "job" that requires no experience, promises lots of cash and is fuzzy on the details is probably a multi-level marketing scam or just a garden variety hoax. Read up on the various scams that exist and be a little less of a sucker. If you weren't so greedy you wouldn't have been taken in to begin with.

Those seem to be three major themes that show up again and again on that site. Horrible spelling abounds, and people seem to think that if they repeat their title over and over people will be more likely to click. Well I find it to be obnoxious, and it seriously removes any sympathetic inclination I might otherwise have.

It saddens me that most complaints are from people who feel entitled and refuse to understand simple cause and effect (not paying your car payment for four months leads to having it repossessed for example). Many, many people on there do not understand basic personal finance, and the way banks operate. They genuinely seem to think that their personal hardships give them the right to not pay their bills without consequence.

Meanwhile, the real complaints from smart, reasonable, hardworking people who were actually ripped off gets buried underneath thousands of pages of this dung.

The Volunteer

2009-08-16T19:58:00.002-04:00

There are volunteers in every community. Some are firefighters, others do work in hospitals. Still others deliver food to the old, sick or poor. But in the frum community, there is a unique kind of volunteer. This person dedicates much of their free time to "helping" teens stay or go back to being frum. In my experience, most of them have their heart in the right place. They genuinely want to help the teens they deal with. And some of them do. But there are some times when irreparable harm is done.

Teenagers are in a crucial period of their lives; a time when they figure out who they are and who they want to be for the rest of their lives. Yes, some off-the-derech kids are lashing out in a desperate cry for attention. But there are plenty who are miserable being forced to live a life that revolves around beliefs they just don't have. Can you imagine spending most of every day learning about and following rituals that have absolutely no meaning to you? Does that not sound like complete hell?

Of course, teens often don't have much of a choice. They are not economically independent yet so they have to either obey their parents or end up on the street. And well meaning Rabbis tend to take advantage of this situation. They probably think they're saving souls. I bet they do. But when parents ask "Should I send him to college?" and the Rabbi says "No! That will just infect them with tumah - send them to X Troubled Teen School" you have to wonder what they're thinking.

I have seen what happens when teens are sent off to Troubled Teen Schools. They pick up bad habits such as drugs, eating disorders, promiscuity, shop-lifting and more when they would have never imagined doing anything of the sort before. I've seen it happen. But somehow, cloistering a group of off-the-derech teens in a controlled environment is considered preferable than letting them go out into the world, get an education and sort things out. I am grateful that my parents did not send me off to one of those hellholes despite the advice of a Rabbi.

If the goal was really to help teens, these volunteers would help teens find their way. If they decide religion is right for them, great. If not, not. But these "saintly" volunteers have only one goal in mind - keep the teens following the rules of the Orthodox community. There is no regard for their emotional health or happiness. This proves that the volunteers are not the altruistic people they pretend to be.

Just Opt Out

2009-06-23T18:38:00.003-04:00

At the ripe old age of twenty two, most of the girls I went to elementary and high school with are married or divorced. Many have children. If I were frum and not married at my age, I would be quickly approaching nebach status, dreading my twenty third birthday. But instead, I am exactly where I want to be. I just graduated college, got promoted at work and live with my boyfriend.

In my new world, it is perfectly normal to wait to get married. No one bats an eyelash if you are twenty eight and not married. Because getting married at all isn't viewed as necessary, and more importantly women are not judged as more or less important based on their marital status. What does it say about a society when a woman is nothing without a husband? Doesn't that sound like an attitude more suited for the middle ages than year 2009?

It is understandable that many frum singles feel depressed. After all, when your purpose in the world is to get married and have children, how exactly are you supposed to feel if you have not found that special someone yet? (This also applies, although less so, to couples experiencing infertility.) To make matters worse, since many frum people do not date casually getting married is the only real validation they get that they are considered truly desirable by someone of the opposite sex.

So what do you do if you are not a top tier commodity that everyone is running after for dates? Should you crawl into a cave somewhere and cry your life away, as you work at a heimishe office for $15 an hour? I say no. There is an option that you probably have not considered, and that is to just opt out. I'm not saying to go to the nearest McDonald's and order a cheeseburger, but definitely look at your life and where it's headed. Where do you want to be in ten years. What will happen if you don't get married?

No one wants to think about it, but you should. It's important to. Do you really want your life to be dependant on whether or not you get married? My advice is to just put that on hold and make something of yourself. Go to law school or something. Sitting around makes you pathetic and undesirable. If you're busy, dynamic and passionate that is extremely attractive - to the right guy anyway. If you were brainwashed in seminary to only date kollel guys, change that pronto. You'll start dating a different class of man, a man who works for a living and is on planet earth.

I have always found it ironic that kollel has so little to do with spirituality and living simply and so much to do with being better than everyone else, leeching money from your parents (or in-laws) and living in luxury (take a look around Lakewood!). Single kollel guys are usually the most stuck-up about shidduchim. They will want to know how old you were when you were potty trained and whether your mother dyes the hair under her wig (chas v'shalom) instead of what you are like as a person.

But I digress. You are not the problem. The shidduch system is pitted against those who are not slender and gorgeous, with perfect reputations and unblemished family histories. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to. You can just opt out.

TV Writers

2009-05-11T22:21:00.002-04:00

When I was a teenager I decided briefly that I wanted to be a tv writer. It was one of many possible careers I flirted with. The irony was that I really had no familiarity with television at all at that point. However, the research I did gave me a little perspective.

TV writers are an incestuous bunch. They eat at the same restaurants, type on their laptops at the same coffee shops and have intersecting groups of friends. It's a phenomenon that is unique to LA as far as I know, and it has some interesting affects. Basically, tv shows start to resemble each other. Since all the writers talk to all the other writers, the same plot devises start to show up in all the tv shows at the same time.

It's starting to become really ridiculous. Several shows are currently using hallucinations as a plot devise. The Unsuals, Grey's Anatomy, Bones, Fringe and House. And probably more that I'm not aware of. Coincidence? I think not. Writers, I'm on to you. I used to think I wasn't worthy of joining your ranks but now I know I dodged a bullet. You're supposed to be creative. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[By the way, there are some exceptions. Lost, for example, is filmed in Hawaii. I suspect that the writers are there as well and their isolation might explain why Lost hasn't "lost" its touch.]

My New Watch

2009-03-29T03:05:00.002-04:00

The silver lining of this recession is the fact that certain luxury goods have dropped in price dramatically. I don't have anywhere to put a jacuzzi but when I saw a great deal on Amazon for a watch I would have never otherwise been able to afford, I pounced.

It's from Stuhrling and normally goes for $345. I got it in the mail recently and it is even nicer in person. I am in love with it. It's sophisticated and feminine. It's nice enough to wear in a corporate setting (for when I land that dream job) but not too fancy to wear with denim. Since it's self winding I won't ever have to figure out how to replace a watch battery either and that's a bit of a relief.

So here's what happened with Amazon. I bought it and during the time it took to ship the price went down by $18 or so. Although I loved the watch, I was disappointed that I lost out by not waiting two days to place my order. I did some quick online research (read: Googling) and determined that Amazon used to have a policy that refunded any price changes within thirty days of purchase but stopped doing it last year.

So I did something that I had never done before: I e-mailed Amazon. I explained the situation in a polite way and requested that the difference be refunded. I was pleasantly surprised by the response (which was very speedy by the way):

Hello from Amazon.com.

Thanks for contacting us about the recent price change on "Stuhrling Original Women's Cupid Automatic Watch Set #109SET". I recognize you have a choice of retailers and appreciate that you prefer to order from us. Unfortunately, we do not have a post-order price guarantee.

I've reviewed your order and see that the price change was significant and you just received this item from us.

Under the circumstances, I'll make a one-time exception for you and issue a refund for the price difference in the amount of $18.85(including tax). You should see the refund in the next 2-3 business days.

Please understand that I'm issuing this refund because of the exceptional circumstances, and I'm doing this for you against our standard policy.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A PRICE GUARANTEE?
While we don't always beat the best available price on every product, we do offer deep discounts on many thousands of items. From time to time, prices on some items will change due to special offers from suppliers and manufacturers or our inventory and sales volumes. When we can offer a lower price for new purchases we will, but we cannot extend these discounts to completed orders.

Thanks for shopping at Amazon.com. We look forward to your next visit.

There are lots of sites out there where people voice their displeasure about how they are treated by retailers. Satisfied customers are never as vocal as ones that are unhappy. That's just the way life works, but a motto I have adopted is to be the change you wish to see in the universe. Amazon did a great job and they deserve a shout out. I can now enjoy my new watch without feeling even a twinge of regret.

Pesach Price Gouging

2009-03-24T20:48:00.002-04:00

You'd think that with my new life I'd hardly be aware of the upcoming holiday. But since capitalism is still hanging on by a thread, local grocery stores are tripping over themselves to provide stacks upon stacks of the Pesach goods that are already being bought by the cartload. And I'm not just talking about the local heimishe stores. My local Pathmark starts reorganizing their aisles for Pesach at least three months before anyone has picked up their first broom.

They don't do it because they have such abundant love for frum Jews, oh no. They cater to the frum community because they are willing to pay any price for Pesach goods. Really. My favorite half sour pickles just happen to be OUP all year 'round, and they suddenly jumped in price from $3 to $6 in the space of a week. It's a real hassle for me because the non heimeshe brands really don't cut it for half sour pickles. Luckily for me, pickles are the only food I will have to go without for the next few weeks.

If you are unfortunate enough to only use heimishe brands during Pesach, you have my sympathies. In the event that you managed to salvage any retirement funds at all after the stock market crash, they will be eaten up (literally) by your Pesach shopping. Everthing from sugar to grapejuice to gefilte fish will magically have astronomical price tags on them in honor of Pesach. Because it's a monopoly and they know you have to pay it. I'm curious to know how much the "superfrum" matzas are going to be per pound this year.

Although Jewish holidays were not the reason I stopped being frum, I have to say that every time one comes around I smile and feel truly glad that I don't have to put up with this nonsense. No obssessive cleaning. No wierd diet restrictions. I mean let's face it: They don't explain (and I mean really explain) the wonders of Pesach to prospective Baalei Teshuva at Aish [Brainwashing] Seminars for a good reason. Because this is one of many aspects of Judaism that makes you more likely to go insane - and broke - than be enriched.

Oh so back to the price gouging. Apparently the Rabbis did what they do best (and characteristically decades too late) - they banned price gouging of Pesach food. As if that's going to do any good. Exactly how are they going to determine what the fair going rate of a product is? Some pesach food is very difficult to manufacture at the standards people demand, and if the company can't fetch enough money for the product they will stop producing it. And even if they did find a way to determine where the price gouging was taking place, what exactly do they plan to do about it? The whole thing is such a joke.

Purim Is Scary

2009-03-10T19:43:00.002-04:00

When I was a kid, Halloween was a night we dreaded. We stayed in and kept the lights off to avoid any prospective trick-or-treaters. And we saw the results of the festivities the next morning: egged cars, shaving cream and toilet paper. And perhaps some candy wrappers.

In contrast, Purim was fun. We got dressed up in costumes and drove around town delivering baskets full of treats to all our friends. A task that would have normally been pretty fast took hours because of the sheer chaos on the roads. Drivers stopped their cars in middle of the road to shmooze, oblivious of the honking behind them. Drunk yeshiva bachurim swerved, narrowly missing pedestrians and other drivers. Hyper kids overloaded on sugar were everywhere. As I look back, all that fun might not have been such a good thing.

When you really sit down and think about it, Purim is an insane holiday. People are actually encouraged to get drunk. Just in case someone might think that the mitzva is to drink but not to excess, it says specifically to drink until you don't know the difference between Mordechai and Haman. That, my friends, means drinking to excess. And it says nothing about refraining from driving while doing said drinking. Okay, operating a horse and wagon - they wouldn't have known about cars when this stuff was written.

I wisely stayed off the roads today. I have had enough of the chaos. The clogged roads, the honking horns, the decorations that regularly fall off moving cars. It's pretty scary actually.

Oh The Things You CAN'T Do

2009-03-02T20:05:00.003-05:00

Recently, a woman posted on Hashkafah.com that she was thinking of buying a bike. She liked the idea of getting some exercise while simultaneously having a convenient method of transportation. Although she would of course avoid religious neighborhoods during her excursions, she was still very concerned that her bike riding habits might come back to bite her when trying to marry off her children down the road. Yes, I'm serious.

Something I haven't thought about in a while is the amount of purely social restrictions Orthodox Jews take upon themselves. Each on its own isn't really a big deal. But all together, they are truly stifling - especially for women. How many women are careful to apply makeup and wear a perfectly styled wig every time they leave the house for shidduchim? I'm sure there are more than a few. And then there's all the "Can'ts".

You can't own a dog.
You can't send your daughter to school out of town.
(If you're a man) you can't wear a shirt that's a color other than white.
You can't have any problems (physical or emotional) - if you do you must go to great lengths to conceal them.
You can't have exceptional talents especially if you're a woman.

The list goes on. There was this girl I knew a while ago who was a talanted dancer - mostly ballet. But when she started to get too good, her parents forced her to stop taking lessons. Her life spiraled out of control after that, and she's not in a very good place these days. Another girl lived close to an ice skating rink and was very good, but last I heard she was sent off to seminary and somehow I doubt there are many ice rinks over there.

It may surprise you, but most kids are told that they can grow up to be anyone, to do anything. All they'd have to do is dream big enough and try hard enough. But there is a limit lower than the sky for frum children - especially girls. There is a whole list of professions that aren't feasible for Jews for various reasons (kosher, shabbos, Jewish holidays), and an even longer list that are restricted for Jewish women because they're not tznius enough, garner too much attention or are simply not fit for a Bas Yisroel.

A frum woman can't be a television news anchor, an Olympic gymnast or an auto mechanic. A frum little girl can't dream of becoming a ballerina or a racecar driver. She can't be anything she wants to be. Instead, she can choose from the list of majors at Touro. She can dream of speech therapy or occupational therapy - or perhaps psychology. And if she's really out there she could choose math or accounting. Because when you're frum, you don't get to choose your destiny. It's all conveniently laid out for you.

My friend's sister went to medical school several years ago. She is an extremely intelligent frum woman who intended on lending her expertise to the frum community, one which was certainly in need of a frum female doctor. Her high school refused to send her transcripts and the community in general caused many problems. In the end, she prevailed. She now has her own practice and cares for the children of the very people who caused her so much anguish. If you are an idealistic young frum person, know that individuality and independance is strongly discouraged in your world. I wish you lots of luck.

My Experience on the Tappen Zee

2009-02-23T20:31:00.002-05:00

Today, I was driving along on the Tappen Zee minding my own business. The wind was insane; I could literally feel it trying to pull my poor little car off course. Then, between Sean Hannity's rantings about Obama's socialist Stimulus Package and mulling over the fact that my latest paper was chewed up and spat back by the only professor who forces me to produce what I'm capable of, a piece of metal came out flying out of a truck directly in front of me. It was relatively big and looked like it was a machine part of some kind.

There was no way for me to avoid it at fifty miles an hour. My mind was full of panicked white noise as my car hit the thing and I knew one of my tires was flat. Very, very flat. I didn't try to keep going since I didn't want to damage the axle. So I pulled over and put my blinkers on. In middle of the Tappen Zee bridge. At 4:30pm. It wasn't quite rushhour but no one was happy. Some people honked their horns, as if I had this experience planned on my schedule right between school and making dinner.

So I got my head together, pulled out my cellphone and AAA card and called the number. They were kind enough to transfer me to the bridge patrol people, who got there within ten minutes. My spare was on soon after that and I was back on the road. After a one hour excursion to get the tire replaced, the whole ordeal was over. I was a little rattled and slightly poorer, but no worse for the wear. I actually got pretty lucky considering. If I had been a tiny bit closer to the truck that big metal thing would have smashed right through my windshield at top speed.

But it didn't. I'm alive and well. And that's always a plus.

A Point For The Other Team

2009-02-15T20:24:00.002-05:00

There's always one thing. When everything is perfect you can count on the fact that one little thing will come along and deflate your balloon, causing you to float back down to reality land. For me that thing is that my boyfriend has no interest in having children. Ever. There are a bunch of reasons which I won't go into. And they are logical reasons. Nevertheless, I still want to have kids. Not now. Not next year. But someday.

Being that our relationship is really wonderful, we both have an interest in resolving this little issue (who am I kidding - it's a pretty big issue). It shouldn't really be so difficult. After all, it's not like I'm like that ridiculous, radical OctoMom. I just want two or three kids maximum, not fourteen. But with kids, you can't really compromise. There's a pretty huge difference between one kid and none. So we are at a stalemate. It's not relevant most of the time since we are both college students at the moment and are a long way off from that stage of life. But we both know that this issue is looming in the distance, waiting to sabatoge us.

Every time we go to a restuarant, the mall or a grocery store we usually manage to have one experience or another with a small child. They are unavoidable and seemingly everywhere. Perhaps it is the surprising amount of noise they make considering their size. Or the messes they seem to produce on a continual basis. So it has become a tradition for us that whenever one is cute and smiley and I can't help cooing, he will roll his eyes. And I consider that a point for my side of the arguemnt. And whenever a baby is screaming at the top of his little lungs or a toddler throws a temper tantrum, he will smirk knowingly at me as if to say: "See? This is what the little monsters are really like." And he wins a point for his team.

Regardless of how this all turns out in the end, I am glad that I have had the experience of evaluating why I want children. To really think about the pros and cons and what my motivations really are. I suspect that most people just do it because it's what you do. You date because you don't want to be alone. You get married because you fall in love (hopefully - there are worse reasons). And then once you're married you have kids because your parents are bugging you about producing grandchildren or because your friends have them or because you want to make a mini-me or because your biological clock is ticking so loudly you can't hear the difference between it and your grandfather clock.

The difference between me and many pre-baby women is that I have a lot of experience with children. I have been babysitting since before I wore bras and I'd like to think I know a lot. So on one hand, if I do have kids someday, I'll be just a little less in the dark. But on the other, I don't have the benefit of being naive. Yes children can be adorable and wonderful but there are many, many negative aspects of being a parent. I only experienced a small portion of those since I get paid at the end of my babysitting jobs, at which point I go home to my large babyless bed in which I can get a whole night's rest without interruption.

Last night, nearing the end of a long babysitting job, a toddler barfed all over me. When I say "all over" I am not just saying that. The poor thing was sick - what can you do. I got her changed into different pajamas etc. I must say I handled the thing quite well. But as I stood in the shower after the fact, wiping the toddler vomit off my body, I couldn't help thinking: "Why do I want this again?!!" Let's face it. If you are a parent chances are you are going to get vomited on a couple of times. And worse. So my boyfriend may be winning me over to his side just a little. But if I do decide that it's all worth it and give in to the baby bug, I will know why. It's because I honestly, truly believe that I would make a fantastic mother. And that's worth something.

Snow and Upgrades

2008-12-21T13:54:00.003-05:00

I'm snowed in. The weather fairy finally awoke from her slumber and decided to pelt New York with enough snow to make up for the previous mild few months. But I can hardly complain as I lie here in my apartment, warm and toasty, watching the snowflakes fall.

A thought I had recently was that when I graduate, and I'm able to get a decent job (a big if in this economy), some of the difficulties I currently have will be a distant memory. Not having a washing machine and dryer - or a dishwasher for example. I hope I have the presence of mind to reflect on my past when the day comes that I can just whisk my dishes into the washing machine for a magically effortless journey to cleanliness. Or when I can just walk into another room with my laundry basket instead of braving the cold.

I probably will have that moment of reflection before I return to my usual routine, which will be a whirlwind of business if I know myself. I tend to appreciate what I have. Every day when I wake up next to my boyfriend, I am thrilled that he's there. That I get to start my day with him in my life. Whenever I return home from school or work, I smile just thinking about the fact that oh my gosh I have my own apartment. The novelty has worn off when it comes to having a car. I used to feel giddy, almost high every time I turned the key in the ignition. But that was my old car, before its tragic demise. My new car is nicer and certainly runs better. But it is no longer the symbol of my freedom. My apartment is.

With every upgrade I hope I reflect just a little on the past. The material things are great, but they are more important to me as symbols of accomplishment. And who knows, I may just look back and miss the days of being able to sleep 'till noon on the weekends as I load several laundry baskets into the washer. College years can be a pain, but there are certain freedoms that are easily taken for granted.

A Few Months Later

2008-10-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

It's been months. The explanation? The happier you are, the harder it is to blog. At least for me. I'm not sure how it works for everyone else. I've done some thinking - about how much things have changed. About how lucky I am.

I have always made it a point not to discuss the intimate details of my personal life on this blog, but this time I'll make an exception. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lives with me. He moved in after last semester ended. He loves me to pieces. We go to college together, and it's awesome. I need those tough days at work and endless homework to remind me that I'm not dreaming.

Why do I mention this? Because there are specific decisions I made to get me to the place I'm at today. When I was eighteen, I was tempted to marry a man who I knew was not right for me in the long term. It would have been the frum thing to do. It would have been the easy thing to do. I didn't do it because I was able to see past the moment. I was able to realize that even though my teenage years seemed to stretch on forever, they were going to be a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. So I didn't do it.

My best friend in high school - let's call her Atara - married a man she only knew for a few months. She was nineteen and in love. He was very handsome and she was convinced that if she did things the "right" way her life would be better. A month after her wedding, she was pregnant. Her marriage went downhill from there. Now she is a twenty one year old divorcee with an adorable toddler.

I could launch into a diatribe about the state of marriage in the frum community, but I won't. I don't care anymore. My point is that I made choices that I doubted at the time. And they worked out. There was a time when I believed that God was up there watching me. That I would feel a niggling sadness down the line if I stopped being religious. But the truth is that I have never been more sure that I am living the way I should.

Recently I remembered that at my old high school the pages on evolution were surgically removed from our science books. At the time I wondered why the school found them so threatening. My family was cultured - more so than other families as I now know. We went to The Museum of Natural History. We had seen the bones of prehistoric creatures. I assumed that there were answers, and I grappled with them for a while. But honestly, the more I live the more I realize that religion is a sad hoax.

More on that later.

Orthodox Affilated

2008-07-29T20:01:00.004-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be Orthodox. My father has made it clear that for him, Orthodox is about practice. Either you keep the Big Three Laws (at the very least) or you don't. However in more secular circles, it seems that the Orthodox affiliation is about much more than ritual practice and belief. It is about culture.

I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it does make sense. After all, for people who do not have much exposure to Orthodoxy, Judaism is mostly about culture. Orthodoxy is simply the more right wing flavor. So in that context it makes sense to interchange practice with affiliation. I'm confusing myself. This requires more thought.

One reason I've been thinking about this is because of my soon to be podcasting debut. I plan on blogging mostly about Orthodox issues. Why? Because when it comes to Judaism I have a very Orthodox outlook. I think left wing Judaism is bull. If you're going to do it at all, do it right in my opinion. I happen not to believe so I don't practice. But on issues such as the Kosher Gym or the recent Rubashkin fiasco I tend to sound like any Orthodox Jew around.

What does this make me? A liar, a hypocrite, a freak? Someone who desperately wants the best of both worlds? All of the above? Or maybe I can just call myself Orthodox affiliated.

Podcasting

2008-07-28T18:05:00.003-04:00

So I'm thinking of starting a podcast. From what I hear you need confidence, personality, and the ability to talk a lot. Any interest?

Kosher Gym

2008-07-17T20:47:00.003-04:00

It's all over the blogosphere but I don't mind adding to the pile-on. Yes, this one's enough to rouse me from my summer slumber (which has been completely fantastic but that's another story).

The lowdown: Kosher Gym was sold to a national fitness company and is making changes that make it no longer kosher. The following are some examples:

1. The staff and advertising are no longer tznius.
2. There are televisions on premises.
3. The gym is now open on shabbos.

I'm sure there are other changes that frum members find objectionable. Now I have no problem with the takeover in principle. Mergers and acquisitions are part of life. However the gym is not refunding frum members who want to switch gyms because of changes they find objectionable.

This is utterly and completely incomprehensible to me. Besides for being morally reprehensible, from a business standpoint it is just plain stupid. This is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen. Kosher Gym by virtue of its name sold itself as a place where Orthodox Jews could come work out in an environment they can feel comfortable with.

Now you may say that the gym is still sex segregated. The problem with that is that Kosher Gym did not simply advertise as a sex segregated gym. They advertise as kosher which is more than just sex segregated. Lucille Roberts is a women's only gym but they do not present themselves as a kosher gym. For example, their advertising features scantily clad women and always has.

If the people who run this gym have a shred of integrity (or common sense) they would start mailing out refund checks now. The thousands of dollars that would cost them now are nothing compared with the loss they will suffer when disgruntled members band together and sue. For those of you who are just small time guys and don't have the money or know how to put that together, small claims court is a very inexpensive and easy alternative.

Full Circle

2008-05-19T21:10:00.003-04:00

I am that which I once despised. It was bound to happen eventually. As a kid I remember lying on the top bunk of my bunk-bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how adults become such joyless monsters. Do they magically lose their memories? Do they hit a certain age and just forget? What a cruel joke, if that's true.

But I haven't forgotten (although my 21rst birthday is in a month so who knows) - at least not yet. I still remember not understanding why I had to go to bed when I still had so much energy pent up inside. I remember having to share toys with and then pick up after guests I had to entertain because my parents liked their parents. I remember having to watch Barney videos with my younger sister until the screen turned gray (she screamed if I tried to shut it off before then). I remember that clear sense of injustice only a child can truly have. I remember it all.

I am the same person I have always been. Anyone who has known me all my life will tell you that my personality has not changed since the moment I was born. The difference is that I understand. I get that bedtimes are more for parents than for children. And not because they hate their kids but because those precious few hours winding down before letting your head hit that blessed pillow are absolutely crucial if you have any hope of doing everything you need to get done during the day ahead.

There is just so much to worry about. It's not that adults don't want to just go hang out all day. We would totally love to just swim around in a pool somewhere. There are some really rich people who actually do that. But the rest of us have to face a reality that if you don't want to sit at a corner shaking a can of pennies around you're going to have to take care of things. And there's no one who's going to shake you out of your stupor and make you take care of yourself. It's your life to live and if you mess it up it's your problem.

I am an adult because I do the things I used to have to be forced to do voluntarily. I drive myself to the dentist. I go to sleep at a decent hour. I do my homework. Sure sometimes I miss an appointment and have to pay a fee. The sleep thing can get postponed until well past midnight on occasion. And papers have been known to get postponed until I have 8 hours in which to write ten pages.

So you may be tempted to say I'm not quite there yet. Except that in the past week I yelled at a kid on a nearby balcony for playing harmonica at 11PM (I really was exhausted) and took a baseball bat away from a hapless eight year old who was smashing my apartment complex's gorgeous flower bushes. You'd think I was about to turn 51, not 21.

You People

2008-05-05T20:35:00.003-04:00

As I sunk into a relaxing hot bath full of foamy white bubbles I contemplated. (By the way, it's such an underrated pleasure. Costs nothing since liquid soap is really cheap and I don't pay for hot water. But I digress.) At the pinnacle of relaxation, a situation that happened on Sunday came to mind.

I was at Walmart (which is an evil, evil corporation with really great prices) - or more accurately the Walmart parking lot. Both myself and a clunky Acura SUV were heading toward each other, clearly having spotted the same spot. I was closer and without even speeding up I got the spot. I mean fair is fair. Parking rule etiquette states that speeding up and cutting someone off is not acceptable. But that's not what happened. I got there fair and square.

So yeah it was a prime spot on a fairly busy afternoon. But what happened next surprised me. This woman started yelling and cursing on top of her lungs. I got out of my car and walked towards the entrance of the store after double checking that my car was locked. She followed me in the car, still yelling. Then, at the entrance of the store, she got out of the car and followed me, clearly apoplectic.

I continued ignoring her until she said "Now I know why everyone hates you Jews - you are a Jewish little b**** aren't you. You people are overrunning the whole f-ing community."

So I got mad. I said a few things I won't repeat and then: "Look lady get over it. I'd get back to my car if I were you - it'll probably get towed."

She took a few steps closer and I threatened to call security. At that point she backed off. Anyway the experience had me thinking. It really changes your outlook when you're the one being called "you people". Do I like chasidim with their gazillion kids, welfare and ridiculous housing? No, I don't. But if that puts me on the side of evil people like that I'm considering rethinking that viewpoint.

Bubbly and Outgoing

2008-04-16T08:23:00.002-04:00

I used to think it was the opposite. The girls who are aidel, tend to shut up all the time and are obedient are the ones who get married first right? It would make sense since as far as I was taught they are the ideal.

But no. It turns out that guys like a girl with personality. But what happens to the girls who truly are aidel? It's not that they're dull, it's just tough to get to know them in the space of two or three hours in a lounge. Ironically, the shidduch system is set up against them.

I've known for a while that I'd do great in that world. I don't get stage fright. Guys don't scare me. During the one time I actually did date that way, it was awesome even though the guy wasn't for me. We still had fun. Why? Because I never had a problem opening up to people I don't know very well. It's just the way I am.

So anyway, I got a call last night from a guy I haven't seen in forever. Friend of a friend, that sort of thing. Turns out he's dating a girl who's a year older than me. I know her because she's my sister's friend's sister (okay I'm sounding like those frummies with their cousin's uncle's aunt etc but I digress).

As soon as I heard about it, the whole thing clicked in my head. These two people could not be more perfect for each other. Their personalities just fit together well in my opinion. So this was going to be their third date, and he was telling me that he wished she would open up more. If only, right? So they're going out sometime this week and I'm really hoping it works out.

I mean this girl actually wants to get married. She really does. She's been dating for years and all her friends are married. She'd at the ripe old age of 22 and feels like an old maid. It's really terrible actually. And it's all because she's shy. I can't imagine that being burnt out would help the cause either.

Any thoughts?

Kid Diplomacy 101

2008-03-27T20:12:00.004-04:00

By the time a kid hits the age of four or five, he is a brilliant negotiator. Everything is "noooo not now". And they have brilliant reasons like "but (sister's name) doesn't have to" or "because I don't wanna". Kids haven't changed since the beginning of time. I am starting to admire my parents for going through all this.

Sometimes a kid, especially the product of two lawyers, is an especially good negotiator. I got the mistaken impression that a certain little guy I'll call Little Kid is only like that when I'm around. He's a smart little boy and pulls every trick in the book let me tell you. But today I got to see Mommy and Little Kid in action.

Mommy: Drink your milk.
Little Kid: Don't wanna. *pout
Mommy: You have to drink your milk.
Little Kid: *drinks a little Done!
Mommy: More, sweetheart. That's not enough.
Little Kid: *sniffs Smells yucky - it was left out too long.
Mommy: I just drank some myself - it's fine.
Little Kid: But you said yesterday if I drink it I won't have to tomorrow and now is tomorrow.
Mommy: I never said anything of the sort. Drink your milk.
Little Kid: *crosses arms NO!
Mommy: *sigh Okay you can have chocolate milk if you finish your plain milk.
Little Kid: Gimme chocolate milk!
Mommy: You have to drink your plain milk first.

Oh so after he finally finished his milk, he wanted his chocolate milk in a glass cup instead of a regular kid one. That took another whole round of negotiation, complete with a total bluff that he wouldn't drink it unless it was in a cup he wanted. The mom of course called that total bluff and said fine if he didn't want it he didn't have to get it.

Kind of exhausting, really. I guess that's what happens when lawyers breed. I won't bore you with the details of bedtime tonight but you can guess that it was another round in the verbal boxing ring. And yeah, he's only five.

Narcotics

2008-03-26T23:17:00.002-04:00

It's the third time in my life I can remember being prescribed narcotics. The first time was after my wisdom teeth were removed. The second was after a car crash. So yeah I'm on a third time and this time it's for.....a cough. Yeah, I know. Anti-climactic but what can you do. Apparently the over the counter cough medication does absolutely nothing, but narcotics are an effective cough suppressant. Luckily for me they also feel really really nice.

I felt like such a child swallowing a spoonful of syrup that tasted like bubblegum. But the stuff is strong, let me tell you. Oooh kicking in. I think being high warrants cutting this post short. And being that the stuff was actually prescribed for a condition I do actually have, I don't even have to feel guilty. Good night. :)

The Big Decision

2008-03-20T23:57:00.002-04:00

It's not crunch time for the big decision yet. I have a year 'till I graduate and get thrust into the real job market. By real I mean a job I consider a career - or at least the beginning of actual full time work I plan to do for several years rather than around school.

The fact that I'm not going to be a complete deer in the headlights is a big relief. I already know what it's like to work. I've had a few jobs over the years - and none of them included hanging clothes on racks or working a slurpee machine. In fact I've never had a horrible minimum wage job of any kind. I jumped straight to small businesses where I got paid relatively little (but still more than my peers) but learned more in six months than the average American kid does in four years of college.

So I'm more excited than nervous. There's still that tingling feeling though. Will I really be able to cut it outside the few square miles I call home? Will I be able to lay myself bare and sell myself to huge corporations as they cross examine me in endless interviews? Will I even know what to wear? Silly thoughts, maybe. But they're still there.

Speaking of cross-examining, I considered being a lawyer since I was a kid. I've always been good at convincing people of things. I enjoy the art of persuasion. I love standing up in front of people and being passionate. I'm competitive and hard-working to boot. So why have I completely ruled law school out? Because unlike most hapless twenty year olds, I know what being a lawyer is actually like. Well not directly but I'm Jewish so I know a bunch of lawyers. And I haven't met a happy one yet.

More importantly though I'm practically a lawyer already. I'm suing someone without any help (court date is next week), and I'm involved in other legal type activities I can't necessarily discuss on a public blog. The reality is that law is a lot of paperwork, a lot of following directions. There is very little of what you see on TV. Oh and writing legal documents is a lot like doing "proofs" in 10th grade math. You have to spell everything out. It's a royal pain in the rear.

But hey at least I figured that out before I spent three years and 100K going to law school. Now my future has a bit more ambiguity but a lot more flexibility. I'm studying Economics and actually liking it. Business, wall street, management, marketing - who knows where I'll end up. The truth is that I don't care where I shine - a courtroom or a boardroom. And in business I'll be able to do more of what I want and avoid competing with the hoards of law graduates who went to law school because they didn't know what to do with their lives.

Sure it's a bloodbath out there right now at most of the companies I'd like to work for someday. But in a year or so, the water will clear and there will be a rebirth of sorts. And I will be there to help pick up the pieces.

[/End ramble]

Saying No

2008-03-06T23:06:00.005-05:00

There comes a time in a young woman's life when she is pursued by a man who just doesn't get that she isn't interested. The first time this happened to me was in community college about four years ago. He was a music major which I found geeky. But most importantly, he was unattractive and socially awkward. He was even beyond a mercy date.

He asked me out a few times, and I turned him down. I did not make an excuse that made it sound as if it would be a possibility when I wasn't busy. I didn't say I had a boyfriend. I told him that I wasn't interested so that there would be no room for doubt. But I said it nicely. As I know now, that was a mistake. Some guys just won't take no for an answer.

The instructor for the class we had together had us writer down our contact information so that we could arrange study groups and whatnot. The guy I'll call Izzy shuffled over immediately after class and asked me if he could use the information to call me. I told him he could, but only for class. Mistake number two, if you're counting.

Poor Izzy had the misfortune of reaching my sister when he called. The conversation went something like this.

"Uhhhhhh hello"
"Yeah hi who's this"
"Uhhhh brianna?"
"Nooo - who's this?"
"This is Izzy."

Something about Izzy's tone struck my then twelve year old sister as hysterically funny, and she burst into laughter. You've never heard laughter until you've heard my sister laugh, let me tell you. My guess is that Izzy hung up at that point.

I was a little annoyed that Izzy called the night after I expressly told him to only call for school. But I felt bad too. He didn't deserve to be laughed at. It did the job, though. Izzy didn't talk to me for the rest of the semester. When I got home from the last day of school, I found an unmarked CD in my backpack. I set it aside for a few weeks, but when I finally did play it I heard the language Izzy could best speak in: music. I couldn't find it anywhere - this was his own work.

I was impressed and saddened at the same time. I threw the CD out soon after. It was a reminder of how guilty I felt even though I couldn't really figure out why. I'm convinced that the truly brilliant people on this earth are deficient in some other way. Not your average genius, mind you- only the truly great minds. Someday Izzy compose a great score that will be the high note of one of the mediocre movies hollywood puts out these days. But until then I'll think of him whenever I meet someone is clearly something special but doesn't quite fit in.

The Elimination of Chemistry

2008-03-02T11:55:00.002-05:00

In the frum community, people go to great pains to make sure their shidduch resumes aren't tarnished. There is a whole thread on Hashkafah.com on the subject of medical issues and shidduchim:

http://www.hashkafah.com/index.php?showtopic=46531&st=0&start=0

What I find interesting is that people marvel at it is that people feel it's necessary to hide any small thing that can be considered a flaw. The non-Jewish world doesn't do this - why do we? The answer is that it is an insidious and unforeseen side affect of what I call "the elimination of chemistry".

It goes something like this (as I said on linked thread): In the absence of emotional attachment/falling in love etc, finding a spouse is just a matter of finding the person with the highest ratio of the characteristics you want who will be willing to marry you. In the shidduch system, things must look good On Paper™ before the couple can even meet. This cuts down instances where people inexplicably "click" even when objectively speaking it seems like one side can Do Better™.

It clicked for me while thinking about this book I'm reading for a philosophy class which involves the function of emotions. One thing that was mentioned in class was the concept that love makes possible couplings that logically may not make sense. Turning the dating process into essentially another kind of job search with its own "head hunters" and "resumes" cuts down on a lot of couplings that would otherwise take place.

Sure formalizing the dating process means that there will be less hanky panky. But is it worth the terrible price of eliminating huge numbers of people from the dating pool by virtue of something stupid like a sibling having OCD or not having gone to the "right" seminary/yeshiva? On paper, it's all about criteria. But people are more than the sum of their descriptions, no matter how accurate. Sometimes, and this has happened to me, you inexplicably click with an unlikely person.

Guys and girls are being told that chemistry doesn't matter because you can have that with anyone. Be cold and unemotional about choosing a spouse - you will get the "best" one that way. When you look at the process from that perspective, that approach makes perfect sense. Why not marry the best in objective standards? Because objective standards don't matter in marriage. It's a very individual thing - you're marrying the person you want to live with for the rest of your life.

Do we collectively want to continue along this path of elaborate schemes to hide medical issues and other things? Do we want the shidduch crisis to continue and worsen? This attitude is extremely pervasive - and it needs to be stopped. What if people start going to a genetic counseling place where you simply get a printout of your genes instead of being "matched" llike Dor Yeshorim? It could very well happen that certain families will require a clean certificate of sorts before being allowed to date their children. Then this whole thing really will be a futeristic, finding the best genes, sort of nightmare.

Simple Tasks

2008-02-23T19:04:00.003-05:00

Some people need to go to museums to feel a sense of enlightenment. I need to do that more often actually. For me all it takes is a scented candle (Walmart has some perfectly good ones) and some classical music streaming on internet radio to make any simple task relaxing and (if I'm really relaxed) even enjoyable.

I came to that conclusion elbow deep in soapy dishes, listening to Bach. Yes, I am mellowed out. And no I don't do weed. I just had a snow day on Friday so I'm in for a badly needed three day weekend. Lots of relaxing music. A little yoga. I envy people who get to live like this all the time.

The Locker Room

2008-02-17T18:59:00.004-05:00

One of the best places to keep your ears open in is a locker room. If you can get over the whole old ladies changing into swimsuits thing (at a certain age people apparently have no shame), there are lots of juicy conversations to listen in to.

Today, for example, there was this frum lady yakking to her friend about her troublesome high school age daughter. It went something like: "So my son was having some problems but we went a little easier on him and now baruch hashem things are fine...so now my daughter saw what he could get away with and thinks she can do the same thing...so I told her we'll see what happens after Pesach...I mean what can I do no other high school will take her..."

I had to shove my sneakers on and rush out in order to avoid rudely interjecting with my opinion. It's just that this attitude is a lot of what drives teenagers away from Judaism. Their parents have no idea how to deal with a little teenage rebellion and end up driving these kids to extremes.

There are so many options for girls who can't deal with the Bais Yaakov high school model. There are more modern schools, there's going to seminary early, there's getting a job and doing online coursework. Oh and of course there are community colleges less expensive than any yeshiva that have many more resources like real computer labs, gyms, free counseling and tutoring.

The problem is that these parents can't think outside their narrow little box at all. What they have to realize is that teenage rebellion is normal. Not every kid is going to be happy in the frummest school. It's just a fact of life. When that happens, instead of freaking out, give the kid options. My parents did to more of an extent than many and that's a large part of why I ended up semi - normal.

I really had to restrain myself in that locker room. I so much wanted to tell her: "Your ignorant approach is going to push your daughter away. Give her a chance to do things a different way and who knows - you may even be proud of her someday."

Of course I didn't say a word because I'm a polite young adult. So I put my rage into my workout and ended up doing 20 minutes more on the elliptical than usual.

Kids And The Internet

2008-01-01T20:08:00.001-05:00

So I was listening to Bill O'Reilly a few days back (yeah I know why do I torture myself) and the subject was kids and the internet. The show was obviously geared towards parents who are bewildered by this increasingly technological world. They have no precedent for this; kids were not surfing the web when they were that age.

Sure they tell themselves that the problem is pedophiles and all that. Yes that's a threat, but kids are a lot more savvy these days than people give them credit for. What they're really afraid of is the loss of control. I mean just by babysitting I see it. The young hip parents have firewalls and parental controls and then just supervise. The 30+ crowd tend to get unnecessarily uptight.

A message to all parents out there: You can not keep your kid in a cocoon all their life, safe from the big bad world. Your job is to give them the tools they need to turn out normal through it all. Your kid is going to see billboards and magazines even if he doesn't have internet access. If you don't want your thirteen year old son surfing porn (and you can bet he will), don't let him have a computer in his room. But don't go overboard.

Assuming your fears are not based on the fact that little Moishe is growing up and that means you are old, yeah it's rational to supervise things. A person can pretend to be anyone over AIM and some pretty scary things have happened as a result. I mean I was playing WarCraft with my cousin who was about five or six at the time and there was a chat feature my aunt didn't know about. So this little girl could have been chatting with anyone. It's a pretty scary thought.

Right now I'm babysitting a savvy eight year old who gave me a nice talking to about how the internet is dangerous and only sites like Barbie, Hello Kitty, Disney and Cartoon Network are appropriate. I'm pretty sure my blog is more tznius than Barbie, but never mind. Her parents had taught her to stick to the sites she wanted to be on anyway and not wander around the infinite google abyss. It's a decent parenting technique.

So in short, yeah the internet isn't 100% safe but neither is anywhere other than a padded room. Be smart. If you're afraid of new technology, you're an old fogie and should go take some computer classes. And if it's about knowing your kid's every move, know that they will end up despising you if you don't stop NOW.

Too Good

2007-12-23T11:34:00.000-05:00

I should have known it was too good to be true.

The college was forcing me to get a completely unnecessary physical for their records, and I went down the insurance company's list of local doctors. Since I have the kind of insurance that does not require referrals, I hadn't seen just a plain regular doctor in years. Anyway so the friendly receptionists all informed me that they were booking into the next month - which really didn't help me.

By the time I got to someone who actually could get me in that week, I was practically asleep. When she said "oh come on in on Wednesday" my response was something like "huh - what - can you repeat that?". I was so relieved. I was going to be able to get an appointment in time, and that's all that mattered.

The day of the appointment arrived. I had mapquested the location and followed the directions. The parking lot was inhabited by Mexicans, so I locked my car and hoped for the best. Roughly half the people in the waiting room didn't speak English. I was the only white person there - including the girls in front who looked like they should have been working at the local grocery as they couldn't even speak proper english. The whole place gave me the creeps.

I nearly panicked for a moment there. This was one of those clinics, I realized. A place that takes Medicare and Fidelis. I very obviously did not belong, but I swallowed and pulled out the book I'd brought. It took longer than I care to remember, but I did end up seeing a doctor.

To my utter surprise, she was a frum woman. Sure the used needle container was locked and everything was stapled down to the floor, but the exam room looked sanitary and the doctor looked like she knew what she was doing. She took a look at me and did a double take. I explained to her why I ended up there and she laughed.

So why am I telling this story? Because I'm a bit traumatized. I've decided I'll pick a doctor at a regular doctor's office that does not take cheap government insurance. With a waiting room that does not distribute literature about AIDS, condoms, and the importance of not watering down your baby's formula too much. Where the doctors trust that you won't steal their used needles for drug use.

I may sound like a bit of snob, but this experience has made me determined not to have contact with those people ever again. They are the very lowest in our society. And this has made me think it's that way for a reason.

The Key

2007-11-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

Sounds like the title of the next self help book right? Well maybe I'll write one of those some day if I can stomach it since they seem to be popular. But not today.

Today I had a breakthrough as I was changing my sheets of all things. Something about houswifey tasks allows my mind to go strange places, fit concepts together and just generally help me make sense of the strange universe I currently inhabit.

I may as well start from the beginning. When I decided to move out, it was going to be with this girl I've known practically my whole life. I'll call her Rina so I don't have to keep saying "she", but that isn't her real name. So me and Rina had an on and off friendship that tended to be on when her life sucked, to just say it bluntly. And yes, I did use the word "had" as in past tense.

You see I thought she's a fine person. She's even been a pretty decent friend. The problem is that when Rina messes up, she does the few things in this world that really make me seething mad. That's pretty impressive as there are not many things on that list.

We decided not to live together before I dissolved our friendship. It was mainly technical - she wasn't sure and I had an apartment. So I gave her a few weeks and then a mutual friend moved in instead. I was disappointed that she basically flaked out on me, but hey someone was paying rent and Rina let me use some of her dishes and whatnot while she was finding her own arrangements.

Me and the roommate were very nice to Rina. We let her stay over for a few days on Sukkos and hung out with her a lot. Then one day, I came home and I got this prickly feeling that someone had been in the apartment. I had gotten used to the way my roommate lives, and I knew it wasn't her. I called the roommate and asked her if she had any friends over (which is completely fine), and she said she didn't.

I can't describe how I felt at that point. I felt violated. I felt intruded upon. This was our apartment and someone had been inside it without permission. I experienced the most all consuming rage in recent memory. A few minutes later, when I could think rationally, I realized it had to be Rina. No stranger would break in to fold towels and move things around.

So I unclenched my teeth and called her. I told her to come over. Immediately. She did. When I'm that angry, I don't yell. I'm beyond that. My eyes flash and I speak with this deadly calm. So we talked, face to face and Rina knew she was in trouble. I asked her if the door was unlocked. She confessed that she had made a copy of our key and had started using it. She handed it over and I basically threw her out. Later, we made arrangements for Rina to take her stuff back. And that was that.

For months, I was confused. Why would someone do something like that? She was welcome in our apartment - so long as she followed normal social protocol. You know, like calling. Like knocking on a door. That's what people do! The whole thing continued to bother me. You see I'm okay with being angry when I understand that someone made a mistake, but this wasn't a mistake. This was a repeat of other things Rina has done but in another form. There was something wrong with her, and I couldn't grasp what.

It all came together for me as I was changing those sheets. In this episode of Law and Order CI, there was this woman who was messed up in a realistic way. Some kind of personality disorder. And although Rina wouldn't kill someone, at least I hope not, she has the same kind of defect.

Rina knew taking the key and making a copy was unacceptable. Otherwise she would not have been so sneaky about it. She wanted the key because she wanted to feel like she lived here, like she had a real home. Her parents threw her out, and she currently lives with a nosy woman in a horribly chaotic house. Sadly, she can't bring herself to move because living there gives her the illusion of having some kind of family, dysfunctional as it may be.

Perhaps on some kind of subconscious level, Rina seeks to alienate the people who tolerate her for any length of time. So she ends of repeating the same scenario over and over. Abandonment issues taken to the extreme.

Today was a breakthrough because my anger turned to pity. I hope she gets help so that she can stop hurting herself and those around her. I learned something important, too. Some people are just too damaged and poisonous to tolerate. They're few and far between but they exist.

Overstayed Welcome

2007-11-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

When you're my age, you have to be careful. Because although people like me are responsible, there are plenty who aren't. They have lots of toys - an expensive lease, a blackberry, a new leather jacket - but don't seem to be terribly consistent on things like paying rent. So inevitably they end up on a friend's doorstep, hoping to camp out until they can convince a landlord to allow them to rent another place.

Now that's fine and all, although I have to say I do have some contempt for people who overspend and then want me to bail them out, but there is a limit. Recently, my roommate (who really is awesome by the way) had two of her friends over for three days. At that point, she got them to leave because she was as fed up as I was. I mean if you're going to camp out in someone's apartment, don't use a huge amount of toilet paper and leave hairs all over the sink. Clean up a little for God's sake.

So me and the roommate decided that we're charging $20 a night - two nights max. It'll go towards our rent. It's not much, but these are friends we're talking about. And since we have separate rooms it really doesn't effect the other person much when one of us has a guest. We have a pretty good arrangement going. Which is lucky because if you pick the wrong roommate, you are seriously out of luck.

November Update

2007-11-04T12:34:00.001-05:00

I moved out of my parents' house two or so months ago. It's really great - I highly recommend it. Living at home is just a burden past a certain age. Fences really do make great neighbors. Nowadays I back to my parents' house every two weeks to do my laundry, pet the cats and say hi to everyone. It's really nice to actually like my family again.

Maybe you don't know what it's like to have your life completely change over the course of one week. But that's happened with me. I went from having a full time job and living at my parents' to going to college full time, working part time and having my own apartment. It's just a different world. I mean three months ago I didn't even know how to drive on the highway. Now I cross a bridge three times a week and think nothing of it.

Sure things are a little tight. Most kids my age don't have to budget like I do. But I'm good at living simply. There are lots of low cost or free little pleasures that make my life feel complete. It's worth it to have some space. I'm so glad I didn't let inertia stop me. Otherwise I would have ended up at the same job forever. Although it did have some potential for growth, there is no substitute for education.

Oh so about school. Well I transfered to a four year school that is known for being artsy. So I see lots of people carrying around instruments and art supplies. Of course I'm one of the least artsy programs in the school, but it's nice to be around free spirits. I'm considered the 'brainy' type there and hold a lot of the study sessions. I really like it most of the time.

Sorry to be a bore and all, but this is just an update post. I'll get back into things soon. Maybe.

The Magic Touch

2007-09-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

For those of you who haven't read it, The Magic Touch by Gila Manolson is the first book that attempts to explain the justification for shomer negiah in a somewhat logical fashion. While I commend her for that and even agree with some of her points, parts are simply fear tactics - not unlike the famous Rabbi Orlofsky speech where he famously states that men are pigs.

Since the book is on a touchy topic (yeah I know the pun sucks), I simply had to say something. The book was first published in 1999 and is still being talked about, so it certainly has earned my attention. That and it's on such a wonderfully scintillating topic.

SUPERGLUE

Touch creates a powerful bond. She describes touch as the "super glue" of human relationship. The idea is that since touch creates emotional attachment in varying degrees, you need to be careful who you touch.

According to her, having a physical relationship before marriages distracts you from truly getting to know the other person. The relationship is therefore more of an illusion than reality, since you don't know how much is hormone driven and how much you actually have in common with the person. Refraining from touch therefore creates a more genuine relationship. Gila calls shomer negiah real "love potion" that allows men to see past infatuation and fall in love with a woman's mind and personality etc.

While I agree that touch certainly does make people closer, there are some serious problems with the "hands off 'till marriage" approach in this day and age. The glaringly obvious one is that people have strong sexual urges whether they are shomer negiah or not. Assuming that simply refraining from touch will remove the tension and allow a couple to focus on the real issues is wishful thinking. If anything, the frustration will keep the couple stuck in the infatuation stage until after marriage when any discoveries are too late.

If anything, it's healthier to get sex out of the way and then have a conversation the next morning when you can actually see straight. From a non halachic perspective, that's certainly healthier than getting married sooner than you would have so that you can have sex. Obviously no one does that consciously, but there are reasons why frum guys often get married ten years earlier than secular ones. I argue that this is a pretty big one.

IT'S NOT SPECIAL

I'm pretty tired of this particular sentiment - the one that states that if you have sex before marriage it won't be as special. Piffle. How long are you supposed to wait for that magical first time? Putting a lot of stock in that is a waste of time and energy, especially since sex when both people are virgins is notoriously awful.

As for the actual relationship, when you meet the right person, everything is special regardless of what has happened before. Gila kind of writes herself into a corner here because halacha does sanction second marriages which in many cases are just as special the second time around. She does a valiant job of trying to prove that halacha and logic go hand in hand here, but quite obviously that's a pretty big claim to uphold.

I have no problem with people stating halachos and saying you have to follow them because those are the rules. However apologists hurt their own cause by attempting to prove that those rules make sense by secular standards. They say mikvah helps shalom bayis, but trust me when I say it's not that cut and dry. They say shabbos helps with stress and that kosher food is healthier. But what happens when those claims are successfully challenged? To the apologists out there: Just stop it. You are hurting your own cause.

Back to the book now:

STAYING SAFE

Every time you get into a relationship you are taking a risk. If that relationship breaks up, you lose faith in yourself a little. If that happens over and over again, you destroy your sense of optimism and self esteem. According to Gila, the best way to stay safe and avoid becoming emotionally scarred is to reserve physical closeness for the ultimate permanent relationship: marriage.

The good old "safe" argument. That doesn't hold up since touch isn't the big deal here. Whether you're physically involved or not, a series of failed relationships will take its toll. Just think of that person you know who has been shidduch dating for five or more years and is as bitter as can be. Gila simply does not make a convincing case that sex makes any difference at all here. There are shidduch couples who are much more emotionally crushed by "breaking it off" than secular couples who were together for a month and broke up - even though they happened to have a few nights of fun.

GIRLS WANT LOVE,
MEN WANT SEX

If you believe something that simplistic, stop reading this post now and go study for your BY quiz. For the rest of you, sure some girls are stupid and some men are pigs. However just because women and men are different, that doesn't mean that we women need halacha to protect us from the big bad male libido.

What depresses me a little are the "proofs" that are brought to support this ludicrous claim.

1. Girls are attracted to things like brains and personality while guys are more focused on the physical. I've never taken a national poll, but that sounds about right. But so what? Biologically, a man looks for fertility while a woman looks for a good provider. A man who is gorgeous but is dumb as a doornail simply won't be attractive to many women (although it just so happens that just as many will be willing to have a one night stand with him and never see him again - so much for the theory that women never use men for sex).

2. Girls are satisfied with holding hands, guys are always looking to get more. That simply isn't true unless you're a lonely sixteen year old girl, or a woman with emotional issues. Many girls have healthy sex drives too. And 3. Only men hire prostitutes. That simply isn't true. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say that there are escort services where you can hire a man and I'm not just talking about the gay world.

This attitude clearly stems from a misguided assumption that women are naturally submissive and emotionally fragile. That simply isn't true. With the onset of feminism came a whole culture of financially independent, powerful women who act a lot like men are supposed to traditionally. It's not about biology - it's about what role you have. There are men who stay at home with the kids and women who go out and bring home the bacon. One of the wonders of the modern world is that people can choose the role that best fits them instead of being shoved into a slot at birth. This is something we should embrace.

DON'T EXPERIENCE

In this part of the book, Gila tries to convince you that you're not missing out on anything worthwhile if you wait until marriage. After all, you don't try every drug out there just to 'experience' stuff - right? Well the thing is that drugs shouldn't be experienced ever, regardless of one's marital status. They are harmful and can potentially ruin your life.

Sex, on the other hand, is a natural part of life. Put it off all you want, but it is definitely an experience worth having - whether you get married or not. I'd be more apt to agree if all people got married by age twenty five, but they simply don't. There are singles above the age of thirty and beyond. How many years of a person's adult life are people supposed to wait? And is it worth it?

USED GOODS

Here, Gila exploits girls' fear that they will be considered "used" and should therefore protect their virginity at all costs. Sure there are guys who are like that, but they are not worth even considering. A real man is confidant in himself, and is not afraid that he won't measure up to previous lovers.

This attitude is outdated and has no real bearing in the secular world today. People are expected to be sexually active by the time they turn twenty - if not eighteen. The modern man may have fantasies about sex with a virgin, but has no problem marrying a woman who isn't one. Furthermore, the idea that a woman's worth is based on whether or not her hymen is intact is revolting.

The next part of the book combats questions that still remain about shomer negiah. In the interest of brevity, I'm not going to go through all of them but if you'd like me to answer one I skipped, feel free to say so in a comment.

How do you know you'll be sexually compatible if you don't have sex before you get married? Good question, in my opinion. Instead of answering the question directly, Gila goes on a roundabout rampage, bashing modern society and its destruction of 1950s style conservative mores. Additionally, once you remove the fluff, she basically he attempts to prove that if you have the right emotional connection, the physical stuff can be learned. If you believe that, fine.

Another question asks if shomer negiah is feasible. Gila responds with a speech about delayed gratification and that all adults should be able to handle waiting until they are married. Someone really needs to introduce this woman to some older singles. Maybe then she'd think twice before saying that only two year olds can't wait.

Yet another question is about romance. By now, you can guess what the answer to that one is. Romance doesn't really exist, it's just an illusion that fades the moment you really get to know someone, blah blah. Real romance is being united for life and all that jazz. Oh really? Marriage has its place and all, but I feel bad for people who have never sat on a dock under the moon and made out. I feel bad for people who have never enjoyed romance. Tell yourself that you're not missing out all you want, but it simply isn't true.

PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS

I don't have the strength to address that one. It's basically a copyright infringement on Rabbi Orlofsky's infamous tape.

Wow. Finally getting to the end of this post. Longest one in a while. Basically it's like this. It's against the rules to touch someone of the opposite sex before you're married. Why? Because it will probably lead to premarital sex which really isn't allowed. It's kind of like keeping Shabbos. Shabbos doesn't make sense by secular standards but you do it anyway even though you miss out on certain things. So why do you do it? Because being religious is worth it.

All I'm saying is that shomer negiah is the same deal. It's a pain, but you do it anyway. And in the end, you hope God will reward you. Just don't delude yourself into thinking it's objectively good for you. Hopefully it has some positive effects, but that's just icing on the cake - not the reason you do it.

The Catskills Thing

2007-09-07T00:18:00.000-04:00

It hit the news at least five years too late. For those of you who don't follow the latest frum gossip, the Establishment has finally figured out that teens go up to the Catskills to avoid the watchful eyes of their communities and basically act like teenagers. Drugs (ie: marajuana), sex, rock and roll and sometimes truly bad behavior like vandalism. Mazal tov.

Now there's no real question as to why these kids are doing this. It's fun, it's forbidden, and it's a reprieve from real life. The fact that people of a certain age do these things is not new. It's been going on for decades, despite the best efforts of parents. And the fact is that even though everyone freaks out about it, in the end teens grow up and end up leading productive lives. So the whole hullabaloo is a bunch of nonsense.

The reason I consider this even worth commenting on is that the Rabbis are taking a slightly different tack this time. In the past, their answer has always been to add restrictions. Teens are hanging out at the pizza shop? No problem, just force the owner to enforce strict rules or face losing his kashrus license. This time they are at least recognizing that part of the problem is that teens have very few fun things to do that aren't assur. Sports, movies, music concerts, dance - it's all not frummish enough. If you outlaw everything, there's simply nothing else to do. And once you're breaking the rules, hey may as well go all the way.

But the real chidush is this: They finally figured out that saying "no" just isn't enough anymore. You can't just tell a teen what to do, because they just won't listen. They can just tell you to shove it and do whatever they want. As a result, the Establishment needs to actually convince teens to behave in the way they want. Tightening restrictions just isn't going to have the desired effect - if it has any at all.

This is a pretty big deal. Traditionally, discipline has been relied upon. The thing is that teens have choices now. They will not put up with being lied to or bullied. They'll nod and smile in public, but the moment they can get away, out will come the untznius clothes and coed parties.

Just so you're clear on this, I'm not just speculating. I've seen this for years and it's become more pronounced recently. If the rabbanim want to change this trend, they're going to have to stop tiptoeing and tackle the issue head on and in a way they're not used to. Otherwise the teens will be perfectly willing to continue the way they always have.

The First Day

2007-09-04T17:42:00.001-04:00

"Woo HOOOOO!" It was the unmistakable hoot of a college freshman first setting foot on campus with a bunch of buddies.

The scene was just the way they describe it in the copious amounts of books I've read about life outside the ghetto. The blond girl in heels, striding along with nothing more than a purse and a backpack, parents struggling with huge suitcases behind her. The jock in a Hollister tee shirt, puffing up his chest as he chats up the nearest female. The quiet, intense looking skinny kid lugging an easel through the front door.

I breathed in the individualism - the normalcy of it all. The vibrant energy pulsated throughout the campus. I was finally here. And then a familiar pang of regret hit me. I'm never going to really be one of them. Even if I live on campus next year it's just not going to happen.

I've made my peace with that as much as I can. Fitting in is overrated, and it's not something I've ever been terribly good at anyway. The good news is that I picked a college known for diversity so I can't be that much weirder than everyone else.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about after my long hiatus. My day - just today. My current approach is taking one day at a time. Novel, I know. It's just that things have just been happening all at once for me and I would be too overwhelmed otherwise. I've decided to continue posting for now. And if you're loyal enough to actually be reading this, congrats - you're one of the few.

The thing about blogging is that it's tough when you're no longer this idealistic teenager on a crusade. While I still have my vendettas, I'm not as obsessed with them. Blogs are good for primal screams, not for happy people with normal problems. I've decided that although I'm happy, I'm insane enough to be interesting. Even though my last shreds of anonymity have dissolved long ago, this little soapbox I constructed still has its use.

So for now I'm back. Hooray and all that good stuff.

My Version Of Heaven (Part 1)

2007-05-19T22:15:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a dream that was likely caused by the combination of insurance procedural hell (may you never know of such things) and my ever growing list of theological issues. While I was asleep it was quite serious, but in retrospect it's pretty amusing.

You know that story about the girls who committed suicide rather than have sex with Nazi soldiers? This is kind of based around that, but please don't make the mistake of thinking that I am belittling their sacrifice in any way. I'm not, that just happened to be the setting.

So that's the disclaimer. Anyway, here goes:

The girls' souls leave their bodies and drift slowly upwards like smoke from a flame. They look down and watch the world, relieved that death is in fact a much more peaceful process than one might expect. There is no more pain or worry and somehow everything makes sense. And the freedom is exhilarating. It seems to them now that their bodies had confined their souls, and now they were finally free.

But just as they start adjusting to their new states, their journey abruptly ends. They feel solid again and look the way they did in life before the war. They are in line in a long corridor, apparently waiting for their turn to speak with the man behind the desk. His official looking white suit is offset by a slouching demeanor and double chin.

"Next," the man says. Finally it is their turn. "Ah," he murmurs, glancing at his clipboard. "You must be group 4207."

The girls shrug.

"You'll need to speak with your defense representation in room 7603 before you go to the preliminary hearing. But I'll tell you it isn't looking good."

One steps forward. "But we committed suicide l'shem shemayim! Doesn't that get us a direct ticket to heaven?"

"Hey I'm just the clerk angel. Your defense attorney will talk to you about that."

The girls continue past the desk, looking for door 7603. This proves difficult as there seem to be thousands of doors which are not numbered in order. As time goes on, they get more and more anxious.

"Suicide is against halacha, isn't it? What if we're in trouble?!" A timid girl with straight dark brown hair asks, biting her lip.

"Well it wasn't technically a y'horeg v'al ya'avar, was it?" adds a tall, studious girl.

"It probably falls under gezeiras shmad. And anyway, we can't be in trouble. We had no choice. Hashem will understand, he has to." The other girl tries to be reassuring but she is pretty terrified herself.

It seemed so logical to commit suicide while she was alive. After all, what where they going to do? Allow Nazis to violate them? It was unthinkable. But afterlife is turning out to be shockingly different from what she had expected. She is starting to question everything she thought to be true.

But all too soon, they are there. A sense of foreboding is palpable as the girls stare up at the large wooden door, clearly labeled 7603 in gold block numbers.

~to be continued~

My Friend, Borat

2007-05-16T22:13:00.000-04:00

That's what I call him: Borat. Why? He's the only customer I've ever had who is actually from the great country of Kazakhstan. The great thing is that his e-mails have a Borat-like tone grammatically speaking - without the obscene sexual references. I could so see him e-mailing a picture of his country, exclaiming: "Yagshemash! My name a-Borat. These are my country of a-Kazakhstan. It nice."

Anyway, he is unusual for more than that reason. Basically, the company I work for made a mistake and sent him a much more expensive product than he originally purchased. Instead of keeping it and shutting his mouth, he actually e-mailed me, asking how much money I'd like him to send me. I was absolutely flabbergasted. My mouth hung open. I promptly forwarded the e-mail to my coworkers who laughed hysterically at his Borat-like grammar and then were in awe.

I mean who ever heard of that? If someone makes a mistake and sends you a more expensive product, is it really immoral to keep it? I don't think so. A mistake in your favor is good luck. Furthermore, he lives in a third world country. You'd think that he'd need to cling to every penny he has.

When I think of countries with "stan" at the end of their names, I think of uneducated, unsophisticated people in huts. And although that's a stereotype, for the most part it's true. In America, we have an extremely high standard of living that we really do take for granted. Most of the world lives in unimaginable poverty. We think we are so cultured but who are we really underneath it all without our cars, homes, clothes and toys? What happens when our convictions are put to the test? Are we good people?

I've been thinking about that. I guess my world view shifted a little since this past Friday, when I was involved in a pretty bad car crash. Short version: I was stopped at a red light behind some other cars when a van smashed into the back of my car at full speed, pushing my car into the car in front of mine. It was a mess. My car was completely totaled, and I have some medical issues as a result.

Incidents like that make you think about things. Like how I've been a pretty selfish person and a bit of an intellectual snob. It's time for me to grow out of my safe classification system that ensures I can put people into boxes I can understand. After all, I hate being labeled myself but I do it all the time. Chassidim are slobs. People who crack their teeth on English are heathens. But not because it's not nice. It's not, but these stereotypes exist for a reason. My epiphany is that those things just really don't matter! Who cares if you're sophisticated, wealthy or smart!!! All that's important is that you are a mensch.

Sure I make fun of people who aren't like me. It's just what I do. But every so often a Borat comes along to show me that I shouldn't be quite so hasty with my judgments.

Idiot Frummy Girls

2007-04-28T20:46:00.000-04:00

She's an old friend of mine, a year younger than me and very bright. Her lifestyle has always been a little yeshivish for my tastes but she thinks, and I like thinkers. Over time, as I've moved decidedly to the left, she's gone further and further to the right.

Last I checked, she's in one of the most yeshivish seminaries in the world and is the most open minded girl there. The fact that she truly believes college is evil, men should learn all day, a woman's place is in the home and birth control is a sin should give you some idea of what this seminary is like. If she's the most worldly girl there, what are the other girls like?! It makes my head hurt.

As I hung up the phone after a nice sparring session with her, something in my mind clicked though. This is it, I realized. The reason why there are more boys than girls in the shidduch world. A large part of why there is a shidduch crisis.

Basically it's like this. Most girls are more obedient and eager to please. Just take a look at the fact that there are a million "alternative" yeshivas for boys whereas there are only a handful of alternative Jewish high schools for girls in the world. More girls than boys stay strictly yeshivish at the most extreme levels. So for every Lakewood bachur, there are several girls who will be vying for a shidduch with him.

But that doesn't mean there aren't enough boys. On the contrary - I know from experience that there are tons of guys out there who would fall over themselves to date a smart, ambitious, open minded girl. However they are not interested in the frummy Bais Yaakov types. A year of brainwashing in Israel makes these girls less desirable to the majority of Jewish guys, not more so.

The solution is better education. Opening high schools for girls that are a little more relaxed and focus on developing minds rather than snuffing out individuality. Changing the strict approaches yeshivas use to drive away boys who don't fit the mold. Closing the gap if only so that ten little aidel maidels aren't being created for each boy who actually made it through the factory (because let's face it, most don't).

Change on that level happens at the pace of glaciers, but it is happening somewhat. Here in Monsey, a high school called Ateres recently opened. It is just more relaxed and less structured. For example, a dress code rather than a uniform is required. I wish it had been available when I was in 8th grade, but that's life. So yes, it is possible for things to get better. But until then, more guys for me to choose from!

A Very Happy Day

2007-04-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

Today is a very exciting day for me so of course I can't help but babble incoherently about it to anyone who will listen (and some who only put up with me for the sake of being polite). Most people figured out what it was immediately but this one friend who knows me relatively well thought I was engaged. I mean seriously. Me, the commitment phobe? Ha! Like that's going to happen in the near future.

As he put it, the real deal is the antithesis of engagement: getting accepted into college. Why it is so exciting:

1. I've been waiting for an answer FOREVER.
2. I spent hours on the essay which is longer than I've ever spent on an essay in my life.
3. I really like the college and it's close to home.
4. It means I will get my B.A. without ever taking the SAT after all!
5. I miss school so badly it hurts.

I am ridiculously happy. I wish I could bottle this feeling and wear a drop around my neck always. Opening doors, having opportunities, starting new things - that makes me high on life. And it's good to be high on life. I hope my enthusiasm will never die.

I Turned Purple

2007-04-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

I actually turned purple. I used to think that was just an expression, but let me tell you from experience that when rage and disbelief prevent you from breathing properly, facial tissue does take on a purple hue.

Most of the time the bris d'var torahs are pretty much the same. Gematria here and there involving the baby's name and the grandfathers name divided by the father's name, multiplied by the older sister's name to equal "tzadik gamor" and everyone ooohs and ahhs for reasons I will never understand. Oh and may he be zoche to maisim tovim and chupah and all that.

Very nice, right? No need to get terribly creative. Stick with what works. But noooo. The rabbi couldn't stick with the ultra vanilla standard speech that leaves everyone smiling. In his ultimate brilliance, he had to be bigoted and insult every form of Judaism that isn't as narrow minded as his. But that's just my opinion. I'll let you form your own (unlike him - you'll see what I mean).

What he said is that we don't give a Jewish baby boy a choice as far as circumcision is concerned. Why? Because Jewish parents don't give their kids a choice when it comes to Torah. They do what is right and that is that. The same goes for Bar Mitzvah. Does he have a choice whether or not to get Bar Mitzvahed? No! This is what a Jewish boy does and that is that. And with marriage, we don't give him a choice in how that is done either. Shidduchim must be done in a specific, extremely controlled manner to ensure that everything is done in the correct way.

That's the gist of it. The speech was actually much worse than that but I am kind enough to spare you the headache.

So I was gritting my teeth during the circumcision part. Do I agree that you don't give options to an 8-day old baby? Sure. But for practical reasons. In case you don't know, people under the age of two weeks generally don't have advanced verbal skills. But one of the main arguments of circumcision opponents is just this! That you don't ask the baby for permission. It's basically cosmetic surgery and a child's body should not be irrevocably altered like that without his consent. It just so happens that circumcision done after infancy lessens genital sensitivity later on. That's why men who have the procedure done during adulthood often report lack of sensation in comparison with their previous "uncut" state. So I happen to think it's best for the procedure to be done during infancy regardless of religious obligations.

By the time he got to the Bar Mitzvah part, I had turned red. How many thirteen year old boys who are not particularly book smart first get turned off from Judaism as a result of the rigid Bar Mitzvah rituals? Hours spent learning out to lain. Hours spent practicing a speech in front of an entire congregation. This is not the time to be strict. It's the time to be kind and encouraging. And if a kid doesn't feel up to it, it is not wise to force him. It will only prevent him from seeing Judaism in a good light. Better that he not lain and have a good attitude toward Judaism than lain and hate Judaism forever. So yeah, you know my opinion on that.

It was the chupah part that really took the cake. Everyone is moaning about the shidduch crisis. Well you know what? It's stupidity like this that is causing it! An idiotic bottleneck system that prevents compatible people from meeting for the most innane reasons. The "right" way evidently has stopped working. Has it ever occured to anyone that being a little more relaxed may help things along? Read my Relax and Date post. I don't feel like reposting my entire view of the shidduch system and how it can be fixed to some extent because I'm upset enough as it is. But suffice it to say that forcing a grown man to only date in a specific way to make sure everything is done "bekedusha" is ludicrous and insulting. Judaism isn't about forcing anyone to do anything.

Hopefully people have stopped believing in this method of supposed chinuch. They've realized that you catch more bees with honey than with vinagar. I'm hoping because if not, religious Judaism is in a very, very bad place.

Helicopter Parent Envy

2007-03-25T01:08:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you've heard of the term "helicopter parents". If not, it refers to the phenomenon that has emerged where middle to upper middle class American parents become a little too obsessed with their son or daughter's future success. We're talking nightly tutoring, SAT practice sessions in first grade and going to other extreme lengths to make sure their kid goes to the best schools and is prepared to go to the best universities.

It is generally considered a negative thing, but you know what? I'm downright jealous of those kids. Why? Because their parents want them to go to great schools, and otherwise obtain the skills and credentials to have a fantastic career. And a fantastic career is what I have been dreaming about for so long. It's not about the money, although that helps. I want a career where my abilities will be recognized and appreciated. I want to feel like I am actually doing something with the matter between my ears.

So yes, I would love nothing more than to have helicopter parents. That way my parents could be people who viewed success in somewhat the same manner I do. They would not be people who are constantly disappointed in me. It's not that they don't see that I work hard. It's that they simply don't view the same things as important. I guess the world has a way of screwing you one way or another. The gay artist ends up in the Catholic family where you kind of have to become a doctor - not the kid who was predestined for neurosurgery greatness.

Forgive my whining. Heck at least I don't do it in real life. Not much, anyway. But lately when I wake up in tears the dream I had was that I had parents who encouraged me to reach for the sky, to achieve my dreams even if thought they don't quite jive with theirs. I made my choice. My sister will marry early and have kids and they will always be much more proud of her than they will be of me - even if I end up running the company my father works for. My creativity has always meant less to them than my sister's obedience. And that's just the way it is.

Why does it matter? I'm not sure, I guess. Why should I feel so bad about not having my father's approval? I am on the right track to going where I want to and I don't need his help. I suspect that it's just natural. But it just sucks no one tells brilliant ivy league graduates that they can't go all religious, have a bunch of daughters and expect them to just flush their brains down a toilet and be happy with the status quo. Chances are there's bound to be trouble.

Coversation With A Pedophile

2007-01-19T00:44:00.000-05:00

We all thought he was harmless. I still have a hard time believing it's true. But my parents wouldn't make something like this up. And our community Rabbi confirmed it. The fact is that I had a conversation with a real live pedophile.

Before I go on, I'd like to explain why this freaks me out so much. I'd have been more comfortable if I'd found out the guy was a murderer (okay, not by much but the point still holds). Why? Because certain things are normal, and certain things are not. It is normal for a man to be attracted to young, nubile women. If that woman happens to be 16, it is still normal because many girls can easily pass for 18 - 20 at that age (not that this excuses anything just by the way).

Sexual attraction to children crosses the line into perversion. There is something wrong with a person who would want to touch a child that way. Something is terribly off. And that scares the heck out of me.

This man seemed like nothing more than a nebach case. An elderly chassidishe fellow who's wife died long ago, wheelchair bound and basically all alone. So people in my neighborhood started inviting him over for shabbos. Soon my family had a turn. My impression of him was that he was a little odd, but nice. He just wanted someone to talk to. We spoke for several hours Friday night about philosophy and whatnot. He made a few comments that were a little 'off' but I brushed them off.

It seems this man has been making his rounds, and the fact is that my family is in the minority here. Most families have young children: prime targets for a pedophile. One of the things that was brought to light was that his children were taken away from him a long time ago for this reason. And it seems he was never legally prosecuted. After all, chasidim protect their perverts. They somehow think it's better that a pedophile be left to roam free than to shame their community.

What is clear is that this man definitely did molest children in the past. But is he still the way he was? Is it possible for people to change? One thing I can't help wonder is if it's a shame that he's being thrown out of our community because of his past. I can't blame people for wanting to keep their kids away from him, but perhaps he really is just a lonely old man now. Who knows.

Nothing stops him from going on to the next community now. Sure the word has spread, but only within my neighborhood. I'm sure there will be another shul that will take pity on him. And if he ever does get caught molesting another child, he really doesn't have anything to fear. He'll get away with it, just as he always has because he knows no one will turn him in.

The Welfare Nation

2007-01-15T19:19:00.000-05:00

Darn it. Just as everything was great and life was good, I got worked up about something again. Guess it was bound to happen eventually. It certainly makes my blog more interesting.

Perhaps I mentioned once or twice that I try my best not to look at my pay stubs every week. I get direct deposit and I try to tell myself that I shouldn't look at the breakdown because it just makes me upset. I console myself with the thought that my wonderful, brilliant grandmother who also happens to be my CPA will wrangle me a nice big government refund at the end of the year.

But somehow, I can't help hoping that the government is handling the money I fork over relatively well. Libraries, healthcare for senior citizens etc. - that stuff is important. But that idyllic vision I have created for my sanity crumbles whenever I have to go to the DMV or something. It just reinforces in my mind that the only thing government can do somewhat efficiently is collect money. That's why traffic court and the IRS run like clockwork but everything else takes months and months of "processing" time.

Yes, that all makes me mad. But I tolerate it. It doesn't make me see red. What does make me crazy is welfare misuse (or outright fraud). While I am talking about chasidim who have jobs off the books in addition to welfare, medicaid, food stamps, Section 8 and every other handout possible, that's not my major issue. Welfare is the ultimate proof that socialism eats away at the fabric of society. Incentive is what makes the world go round. Humanity thrives on independance and hope. Teach a man to catch twenty five fish a day instead of giving him one. That's how we thrive.

Welfare changes that, though. It pays people to become more and more reliant on the government for everyday needs. Need more money? Have another baby. Don't get a job that pays more than X/month because then we'll lose our welfare check. This is what goes on in the poorest communities. It creates a culture of entitlement where instead of going out there and making a life for yourself you're chained to a cycle of poverty. If I didn't know any better, I'd think welfare is a racist system designed to prevent minorities from rising in society.

When I checked out my groceries at the supermarket recently, I was behind a young black woman who looked to be about my age with two kids under the age of five and another one on the way. The total came out to be $15.48 and she didn't have enough so she had to put things that were clearly necessities back. She spent five minutes arguing with the cashier...something about wanting to start an account with the store - her welfare check was coming.

It made me want to scream. There will always be crooks in the world that exploit whatever they can. But the kids this woman is creating as tickets to the welfare system will not benefit. She is sure as hell not benefiting. This generosity is pulling her further and further into the abyss. I so much wanted to just shove $5 onto the counter, but I restrained myself. It would have been a selfish act, not a selfless one. It would have made me feel better but shamed her.

There is so much opportunity here in the United States. The Mexicans sure know how to take advantage of it. All it takes is minimal skill and some charisma to get a job paying $10/hr +. And without the charisma, you can start at minimum wage and work your way up. But when you take the "I can do it myself" attitude away from people, when you force them to rely on the government, you condemn them to a life rushing to the mailbox. And that, my friends, is a true tragedy.

New Year's Muse

2007-01-14T01:16:00.000-05:00

There's a funny thing about being content. Somehow I don't think it's my ideal state. Sure it's nice, but it's a good thing it never lasts long for me. Because I don't write my fiery posts or hatch my crazy plans or do all the things that I do best when I'm content. That's partially why I haven't been posting. Life is good.

The things I don't like about the world don't seem like such a big deal anymore. More and more, I'm willing to just let it fly. Why? Because I think I stopped caring about truth and justice and saving the world. My idealism is dying. I guess there comes a point in many intelligent people's lives where they find a way to ride the waves of whatever society they're in, take advantage of its weaknesses instead of harping on its faults. Now it's my turn.

My current opinion (and yes, they do change) is that heck if I can do it so can lots of people. Blaming things on the system is ridiculous. But I don't mind helping kids along if they need it. And I do. There was no one to give me a hand when I was that age, so I like to be the person I would have liked to have in my life. But it isn't the way I thought it would be. They act as though I'm 10 years older than them around me. No smoking, no cursing, no talking about the usual stuff.

Hope I haven't bored you too much with this post - call it my New Year's muse. Things have just changed so much in the last two - three years. Next year, this time, I won't be a teenager anymore. It's weird to think about.

A Cleared Up Misconception

2006-11-29T23:39:00.000-05:00

So I was looking through the comments people put on my poll and decided to officially reply to one because it addresses something I thought about tonight:

Can you comment about the the messages you received from BY about sexuality in marriage? I have heard some horrible stories about that, which have ended up causing a lot of grief in marriages, since the wife had absorbed (from BY) the idea that men and sex are basically evil.

There are those who think that just because BY and the mentality it promotes deeply harms young women, it turns them into frigid housewives who can not enjoy sex once they get married. I myself was convinced of this when I was about 14, back in the days when everything was black and white, completely good or evil. Well as I developed, I discovered that shades of gray exist. As much as I enjoy painting the BY world as a individuality stripping brainwashing mechanism, things just aren't that simple.

The puritanical view that sex is a necessary evil is not a Jewish concept. We don't have the Christian obsession with virgins and chastity. The relationship - emotional, physical and spiritual - between a man and his wife is considered a lofty, cherished thing. It is not just a union necessary for creating children. Our Rabbis have wives and families while priests are supposedly celibate. The problem is that since we live in a Christian nation, their twisted notions have wormed their way into our psyches.

It is not economically viable or socially acceptable for Bais Yaakov girls to get married at age 14-17. So instead most get married between the ages of 18-22, when a girl has been physically mature for several years. This didn't happen two hundred years ago. The invention of the teenage years is relatively new. You were a child and then you were either a mother or a spinster.

This has created a pretty severe problem: How do you tell girls to shut off their sexuality for years on end until the appropriate time without making it seem wrong and dirty in their minds? To their credit, Bais Yaakov teachers try. I know that they do because I was there. They talk about marriage as a wonderful thing and although they never outright mention sex, they do attempt to make it clear that one is supposed to enjoy it within the context of marriage. Sometimes that isn't enough to combat the pervasive Christian sentiment, but this is one thing I don't blame BY for.

Furthermore, I think it's arrogant of secular people to presume that they know what goes on in the bedrooms of religious people. Sure it's fun to imagine that they are all uptight and don't have any fun but come on. Sure there are the women who are frigid, but the ones who aren't don't announce it. For all you know, Mrs. Frummy with seven kids has a wonderful sex life. If BY was manufacturing androgynous drones, I'd say so. But they don't, so you can relax and concentrate on your own sex lives.

Latest Monsey Scandal

2006-11-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

There was no mistaking my mother's excited tone of voice. Something was up. Probably shul related, I thought. It was a decent guess since that's usually what the latest gossip is about. I couldn't help myself, I perked up and listened intently. And what do you know? It did end up being more than the latest feud between the N'shei and the Kiddush Committee.

In fact, it was bigger than just our neighborhood. It's another kashrus frenzy. Something about Meal Mart's (the main Monsey one - not the Wesley Hills one) having some kind of issue with its beef. I don't know the details except for the fact that some butcher left non kosher bits in or something. The rest is a story for every yenta in Monsey to ponder and warp out of recognition.

Great, this is all we need, right? Or is it? Now hear me out. I have this crazy idea that's kind of conspiracy theory-esque but I think I might be onto something this time. What if frum society needs scandals? No, I'm not suggesting that they are hoaxes, created for some nefarious plot but I am saying they do serve a useful purpose. After all, they do happen to have the effect of unifying the frum world and increasing our collective level of neuroticism in our observance of halacha.

Having an enemy is the easiest way to unify a group of people. If you know anything about America during WWII, you'll know that it was arguably the most patriotic time in history. Why? The Nazis. Later it was The Communists. Now it's The Terrorists. In Israel it's easier for frum people to be united because of the Palestinian homicide bombers. But in the U.S. where religious Jews are largely comfortable and left alone, we are allowed to splinter and bicker among ourselves.

And then the scandals come along. Indian hair shaitels. Bugs in NYC water. Vegetarian bean labels somehow ending up on Pork 'n Beans cans. The chicken kashrus thing. They're all the same. They effect a large segment of the frum world and involve halachic observance. It's an opportunity for us all to forget our differences and flock dutifully to our rabbis for guidance. Should shaitels be burned? Are water filters good enough? What is the proper teshuva for one who actually ate the Pork 'n Beans? Do dishes need to be thrown out, should dishwashers be kashered?

The moment these things hit the news, we are overnight super-frummers grasping at the newest fad chumra. And then things die down and life returns to normal. Let's face it. The scandals may have an unintended effect, but that effect still very much exists.

34 Year Old Virgin

2006-11-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm listening to Dr. Joy Brown on 710 WOR as I attempt to keep my mind on my work when this woman calls up. Although she picked a non Jewish name for the call, it's obvious that she's frum because she's all like "I'm a 34 year old virgin because of my religious beliefs" and whatever. Heck maybe I'm wrong and she's Catholic. But either way, this woman is in her mid-30s and is still a virgin!

Remember shomernegiah.blogspot.com? If you haven't read it yet, do. It should be turned into a book - it's that well written and sincere. The way I see it, the issue is not about sex as much as it is about isolation. There really is no place for the older single in the Jewish community. After all, much of Jewish life centers around family. But should it be that way?

Does the choice really have to be marriage or nothing? Is that what God wants? I know people who are in their late 20s and not married. They're great people and don't go around feeling sorry for themselves. But they seem a lot more lonely and less satisfied with their lives than secular singles do. It's a fact. And I think there's something profoundly sad about that.

One of the major themes of this blog has been about what happens when there's a dichotomy between religion and happiness. So many get to float along practicing Judaism because it's what they've been brought up with. It's what they're comfortable with, what the people around them do. But what would happen if Judaism wasn't the easiest way to feel fulfilled? Would they stick to their convictions?

Filling A Void

2006-11-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

It's becoming more and more obvious to me that I babysit to fill a void. The money is nice, I suppose but as I get raises at work and my car insurance lowers, I need it less and less. So why do I babysit 3-6 nights a week on any week? Because I need to. It's really that simple. Maybe it's my age but this started a while back and it's really starting to creep up on me.

My hormones are betraying me. I pass a baby gap and can't help but look longingly at the mothers and their cuties in strollers. After a small sigh I mentally shake myself and think oh my God what's WRONG with you?! I'm a commitment phobe. I love my independance. And truth be told if not for my stupid hormones I'd probably end up a happily single Manhattan executive with a gorgeous loft in Soho.

But no, eventually I'm going to give in to my urge and settle down all so that I can start a family. Funny, right? I know, it's weird. I can't stifle this forever though. I have a sneaking suspicion that by the time I'm 21 I'll be aching. For now, though, babysitting suffices. Especially the little babies. I love that, but it's so tiring. I can not remember the last time I was exhausted at 9PM. Goodness.

Usually, a good couple of hours catering to an infant's needs is enough to put me off the little tykes for a while. Especially when there are other kids like there were tonight. Sorry to toot my own horn but years of babysitting have taught me a lot of skills. Some of which parents comment on and ask me to teach them. I love that.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Is it normal to have such a strong maternal instinct? Most girls my age want to get married, not have a baby. I guess it's because I think of marriage as this huge lifelong commitment and get all freaked out whereas most girls just think of it as the natural next step.

I'd love your thoughts.

Basic Instinct

2006-10-28T20:33:00.000-04:00

Critiquing is a basic instinct of mine. In another life, perhaps, I'll be a movie critic because God knows I am one, albeit unpaid. I am one of those people who can't just sit and enjoy movies (or TV for that matter but that's a subject for another time). When I watch movies I can't help but analyze the characters, the dialogue, the fundamental premises behind the screenplay and most importantly the director and authors.

That's just so you know. Now I can get into the topic of the night: Basic Instinct and its sequel, Basic Instinct 2. Who knows? You may find this interesting.

Most screenplays sprout from male minds, but in the case of Basic Instinct, I find the fact intolerable. From a female perspective, the movie is ludicrous. It features a woman who outstrips the men around her both sexually and intellectually. She is intense, brilliant, horny, lethal and oh by the way bisexual. Of course a woman who so unnaturally overpowers men must be out of control - she must be the villain. And come on, do you think it's an accident that she repeatedly stabs the men with an icepick? I mean take a look at an icepick sometime. If that's not Freudian, I don't know what is.

Common sentiment is that Basic Instinct 2 can not compare with the first movie but I heartily disagree. I would argue that those who think so haven't watched the first one recently and can not properly compare. Yes, Sharon Stone is older in the sequel. But she can afford the best plastic surgeons in the world and it shows. And no, my opinion is not based on the fact that the male co-star in Basic Instinct 2 is actually attractive whereas don't even talk to me about Michael Douglas.

In the second movie, there is some actual suspense. The men actually have brains instead of being bumbling idiots. There is an actual struggle as opposed to Sharon Stone's character simply toying with her mouse. Both movies are contrived, but somehow the second one is slightly more believable and certainly more fun to watch.

A thing I found interesting is that the first Basic Instinct movie makes the villian's bisexuality very obvious whereas in the second movie it is ignored. Is that because lesbian bashing is no longer tolerated in Hollywood or because we the audience no longer buy the "women who are too male must be evil" thing? I'd love to speak with both directors. The second director is so clearly superior it's painful.

No, this was not a real review. Obviously. Just something I needed to get off my chest. But I do recommend watching both on a rainy day. If you do, please tell me so we can discuss them.

Murder In Monsey

2006-10-21T23:25:00.000-04:00

It's pathetic that the establishment, car insurance companies, the government, society - whoever the heck you want to blame is oh so careful about young drivers and has all these restrictions for them while eighty year olds are allowed to drive around even if they are blind as bats. Let's face it. Teenagers may be reckless but we have the best hearing, the best eyesight and awesome reflexes. Old people are far more likely to mow down a pedestrian. It happens all the time. Sure teens get into more car accidents than thirty year olds - but it's far more dangerous to have a dinasour on the road.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like old people. They have rights and all that. But driving is a privilage, not a right. People with disabilities that make them a danger on the road should NOT be allowed to get behind the wheel of a potentially lethal machine. If you can't see, you should not be allowed to drive. If your reflexes are gone, you should not be allowed to drive. Look I'm going to be get old too, and when I lose the capacity to drive safetly I hope someone takes away my driver's license.

This has been a pet peeve of mine for a while. A sixteen year old has to jump through hoops to get their license while ninety year olds are zipping along, often scarcely able to drive a straight line. It's not that I blame them. When you get to that age, your body has deteriorated. When your brain tells your foot to hit the brakes the message may be delayed a few seconds.

Well that's what happened this past Friday night. And a woman died. And not just any woman, a frum woman who was a prominent member of the Monsey community. She was on the way home from her daughter, an old classmate of mine's vort when she was brutally killed by an eighty three year old man. I haven't been in touch with the classmate in question, but I certainly will show up for the shivah. I feel terrible for her. Her wedding was supposed to be in two weeks.

So now I hope you're wondering why they don't impose more restrictions on older drivers. Test their faculties once they turn sixty five. Make sure they have what it takes to operate a car. You know why? Because old people vote in droves. And idiot politicians want to stay in office. You get elected by promising free this and that to old people - not imposing restrictions. I bet creating a system that forces the elderly to be tested in order to retain driving privilages would be labeled as ageism. But know this: because of this political correctness crud, a girl I know's mother was killed.

How long are we going to let this go on? How many more must die before something changes?

9/11 - A Tribute To Margarito Casillas

2006-09-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

I never knew Margarito Casillas. And to be honest, I still know very little about him because all the message boards I could find with his name are in Spanish. What I do know is that Margarito was a maintenance worker before he was brutally murdered in the World Trade Center attack along with thousands of others.

You may be wondering why you should care so I'll tell you why. Because although he wasn't as "important" as the executives who died on that fateful day, he was just as human. He made an honest living. He probably had a wife and children who mourned his loss. And on that day, those idiot, evil Islamic Fascists didn't care what color anyone's skin was. We were all "infidels" in their eyes.

Before today, I didn't think well of illegal immigrants. I thought of them as flies buzzing around the light that is our country. But now I see the truth. These are people, most of them ridiculously poor but unbelievably hard working. They are the same as us. It is our government that deserves my anger, not them. This is all planned. If the President didn't want illegal aliens here, they would not be getting in. But they want them here so that they can be exploited.

But never mind that. This is a tribute to Margarito Casillas, a man who deserves to be remembered. It is all the more important now that many people's memories of what happened on 9/11 have faded to remember the people who died. And not just as a battle cry for when we fight the perpetrators all around the globe.

We need to remember to respect each other, regardless of race or status. Because we are all people with blood in our veins and families and histories and hopes and dreams. It's a shame that it takes terrorism to make us see that. Let's face it people, there's little that we civilians can do to help, so I say this: Be a positive force on this planet and you are fighting against the Islamic fascists. Respect those they want to grind into the ground. Smile at people, all people. I know it sounds corny, but it will make the world a better place for us all.

Upcoming 9/11 Special Post

2006-08-23T22:17:00.000-04:00

I interrupt my regularly scheduled Jewish Establishment bashing to tell you that I feel honored to be particapating in a special program this year. On the anniversary of the outrageous act of hate that occured on September 11, 2001 I will be honoring the memory of someone I never knew and have almost nothing in common with.

The program is called 2,996: A Tribute to the Victims of 9/11 and the victim assigned to me is Margarito Casillas, from Mexico. He was a mantainance worker before he was killed. I take this project very seriously and won't have time to post anything else between now and then.

Wish me luck!

Informed Choices

2006-08-13T23:28:00.000-04:00

It happens all the time. A young frum couple gets married, doesn't think about the issue of reproduction and is in shock when the Mrs. is pregnant two months later. Well what did they expect, I can't help thinking. That's what's SUPPOSED to happen when you have sex without contraception. But they're surprised all the same.

If you put a seed in fertile soil and watered it daily, you'd expect a plant to spring up, would you? Somehow, people have a hard time seeing conception in a similar light. They call it 'leaving it up to God' but God usually doesn't change the laws of nature. Therefore, it's ridiculous not to make informed decisions regarding reproduction.

If you decide against birth control, you should be fully aware and prepared for the huge responsibility that comes with bringing a child into this world. And if you decide to use family planning, that's okay too. As long as you make an informed decision.

Until recently, I didn't think this was such a radical idea. After all, it's common sense, isn't it? But some very vehement opposition on hashkafah.com this week made me realize that not everyone has this view. As soon as I stated that I think people should take control of their reproductive destinies a heated discussion erupted. Nechama and Yad were on my side, while Spiffy, Aviva and CalvinandHobbes stronly disagreed with me.

I have transcribed much of that portion of the thread for your review. Don't read all of it if you don't want to, but please do comment on the topic. As you know, I don't do this sort of thing often. I just thought the issue needed to be brought up. Why bury your head in the sand when there are clear decisions to be made? That's my point of view, anyway. What's yours?

Anyway, here goes:

Spiffy: You want to redefine what Judaism considers one of the most important totzaos of a Jewish marriage, not fine. This attitude towards children like they're a cute accessory to a couple, like their new apartment, or a bigger car is disgusting. Children are THE biggest blessing you can be granted. Ever. A cavalier attitude towards children, I'll take em when I want em, is repugnant to me.
Brianna: I don't think children are a cute accessory to a couple. I think having kids is very serious business. I love it when people say "whatever hashem wants" and then go have sex and when they get pregnant they didn't quite expect it to be so soon. Well it's like this: If you mix up cake batter and put it in a preheated oven, chances are a cake is going to come out. Same with sex and pregnancy. If you're under the age of 20 and healthy, chances are you're going to get pregnant within three or four months of unprotected sex. If that's what you want, fine. But it's the people who don't think it's a big deal to just pop 'em as they come who have a cavalier attitude about children. I say think about your options carefully before creating human life.
Nechama: This attitude towards children like they're a cute accessory to a couple, like their new apartment, or a bigger car is disgusting. Children are THE biggest blessing you can be granted. Ever. A cavalier attitude towards recognizing the massive responsibility involved in having and raising a child is repugnant to me. I respect the fact that some people, in acknowledgment the enormous responsibility and commitment involved, don't start to try to conceive unless they feel somewhat capable in handling this awesome task.
Spiffy: Frankly, [IMO], if you're not prepared to have children, don't get married. If you're not able to handle the task, don't set about the motions. Being married and becoming that unit of husband and wife is also a serious, awesome, and holy responsibility. It's not playing house and getting play. I, personally, totally got married too young, I'll admit it. I wasn't ready for what marriage entails. But I dealt, and coped, and learned on the job. And I think the average dating age should be pushed up, for sure. But I do not understand the rush to embrace birth control. Let's pretend bc was as expensive as IF treatments. Do you think we'd still have people saying how important it is for the couple to have time alone? I don't think we would. I think people would deal. I think the relative ease of preventing pregnancies has led to a diminished appreciation and valueing of said abilities.
Nechama: Based on what I've read on h.com.... people would push off going to the mikva by two or three days. We could go through the vatious options people have utilized historically. You can say from here to tomorrow that "if you aren't ready to have kids dont get married"- but for various reasons thats not always practical. I think we a just looking at different sides of a similar issue. You say that "relative ease of preventing pregnancies has led to a diminished appreciation and valuing of said abilities." And I say on the flip side opposite- the fact that there is the possibility of control helps us analysis ourselves and try to make the optimal situation for the couple, the two partners in the couple, the hypothetical unconceived child, and any other children in the family. Etc. At its core I think its not so different: in both cases the parents choose to have children, because thats something that the really want. The ease of preventing pregnancies has not led to a diminished appreciation and valuing of childbearing, it has turned childbearing from "no choice or control" for the average couple into "something we've actively chosen to do." I'd say its something we appreciate more because we can actively choose to want to engage in it. Being "Pro Family Planing" or whatnot, doesnt mean that you dont still view conception as the miracle it its.
Brianna: Having kids is a BIG deal. It is also the natural consequence of unprotected sex. Refusing to acknowledge that and adjust one's attitude accordingly is foolish and irresponsible. Bringing a human life in this world is a huge responsibility and therefore should not be attempted until one is up to the task. I also pointed out that people who enter a marriage and 'leave it up to God' are being idiotic. Yes, God created nature and controls all. But just as putting cake batter into a preheated oven will produce a cake, putting healthy sperm into a healthy ovulating (mikvah night, anyone?) young woman will produce a baby if repeated over a few months. It is as natural as trees turning colors in fall. Or a river flowing in one direction instead of the other. Expecting nature to change for your convenience is insane.
CalvinandHobbes: I don't think that getting pregnant with your first child is ever something that you really expect, even if you're trying to get pregnant. (though I wouldn't know, I'm not married yet)
Brianna: You certainly can expect it. Yad said it best: "They're not healthy, if they're having trouble conceiving. Conception is the normal, healthy outcome to unprotected sex. If it's not happening, something's wrong."
CalvinandHobbes: Your analogy to baking a cake mix and sex and pregnancy is appalling. You obviously don't think it's something so amazing that you can create a human life if you're comparing it to something that will go right. There are so many miracles that go into pregnancy, child birth and child rearing that you can't compare it to something that's inevitably going to work, unless you're an idiot.
Brianna: You must be a better baker than I. My cakes don't always go right. Cal, come on. You know I know the creation of a human child is an awe inspiring thing. I was simply making an analogy as to the cause and effect aspect to illustrate my point. I don't understand what you find so appalling.
CalvinandHobbes: And if you're healthy and under 20, you're automatically going to get pregnant? Izzat a fact? Would you like to explain that to all the people that have been married for enough time that are under 20 and healthy that haven't had their first child yet, or aren't pregnant with it yet, and are having unprotected sex?
Brianna: It is medically abnormal for a healthy young woman who is having unprotected sex regularly during her fertile time (the kosher times are the fertile times) to not get pregnant within a year. Practically speaking, pregnancy usually occurs within 3-4 months. Just look at the chasidic community - they're perfect because they don't use contraceptives and get married young. How many DON'T have a baby by their first anniversary?
CalvinandHobbes: I also think that if you're married, even if it's ''unexpected and not thought about'' which to you is horrendous, I think most of the time things work themselves out, and you plan your life accordingly. It's better to be ''unprepared'' as you call it, then prepare for it and chas v'shalom you have difficulty getting pregnant.
Brianna: One has nothing to do with the other. It is bad to have sex and to not expect and want the consequence. It is also bad to be infertile. What are you trying to say?
CalvinandHobbes: As for your comment that most people can concieve? That is totally insensitive. I think unfortunately, most people know at least someone that is having trouble getting pregnant. Everyone knowing someone is an awful lot of people that are having trouble to your ''most people can concieve'' comment. Maybe you should think before you make sweeping comments like that. You never [know] who could read that and be extremely offended because they themselves could be in that situation, or they could know someone in that situation, and your comment isn't helping matters because you think that ''most people'' can concieve.
Brianna: I am blunt, but I won't apologize for refusing to sugarcoat the truth. Infertility is a problem. A big problem and certainly a loud one. It deserves our attention and we should certainly give money to organizations like ATIME which are invaluable. But the fact is that infertile couples are the exception not the rule. They're the vocal minority.Media attention creates lots of ignorance. People think that planes are dangerous since plane crashes are so easy to sensationalize while car travel is much more risky. It's just that "Plane Lands Safetly" isn't going to make the headline. But the uneven coverage makes rare cases seem "out of control" when they aren't, makes radical points of view seem common and creates all sorts of confusion among the populace. My point? Infertility seems like a huge problem in the frum community because of the awareness needed to generate the funds necessary to combat it. But in reality, the vast majority are fertile. The voices are loud, but less people are affected than you think. You know of many who have difficulty having kids, but those cases stick in your mind because they are outside the norm. Dozens and dozens of couples have their children all around you and you don't bat an eyelash because it's so usual, but when Yenta and Yoily are having problems, you remember that case. How's this for an analogy: One robbery in 10 years will have people thinking the 1 mile radius is unsafe. But when you think about the thousands of other nights in hundreds of houses when nothing did happen, is that really logical?
Yad: Look at the world around you: lots of sex, lots of pregnancy and lotsa birth happens every second. It's staggering how often. Compared with the nigh infinite amounts of child-birthing on the planet, a few stores about infertility, however tragic, are a definite minority.
CalvinandHobbes: People that leave it up to G-d are idiotic? Really? I guess that most Jews then, that have G-d in their lives and depend on Him are all idiots if that's the case.
Brianna: All things are up to God, obviously. But the laws of nature that God created make it so that certain eventualities become more likely than others. In an extreme example, if you jump out of an airplane without a parachute then you will probably not survive. You can't jump out of an airplane and leave the rest up to God. That would be idiotic. Yes, having sex does not always produce a baby. But the chances are high. Shrugging and "leaving it up to God" is equivilant to ignoring the laws of nature. Just as it would be idiotic to put cake batter in a preheated oven and be surprised when a cake comes out, it's equally troubling to me when people have sex and don't expect a baby.
CalvinandHobbes: You have to rememeber that G-D is the one will decide whether or not you should have kids 5 minutes after you get married, not you. I don't care what you say. And if you have a problem with that, then maybe you're in the wrong religion. I honestly can't believe that you really think that it's just so clear cut to get pregnant when it's so obviously not. And just because you think that doesn't mean it's right. You've got to start to learn that not everything you say is true.The fact that you agree that people who don't begin to reproduce after 3 or 4 months are unhealthy is total BS. That is so not true. I don't care if your ''little chevra'' all conceive right on your ''schedule'' that you've given everyone. Not everyone works the same way, and that doesn't mean that they are unhealthy. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!!!!Something that is awe inspiring and a complete miracle should not be compared to something as mundane as baking astupid cake. a) not everyone is like chassidim B ) not all of them conceive according to your schedule. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!!! What I said makes total sense, and just because you don't want to understand that doesn't mean there's something wrong with it. You think that you can just say to your spouse, "Ok, honey. Tomorrow we're going to get pregnant." And then you will be. Therefore it's totally planned, and you know that in approximately 9 months, you'll be the parents of a brand new baby boy or girl. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!! You cannot conceive at the drop of a hat. For people that can, b''h. But majority of people aren't like that. And if you plan your life like that, that tomorrow you're going to get pregnant, and if it doesn't happen, c''v, because, as you say, you aren't healthy and you can't conceive (which is a lie because there are plenty of people that just don't conceive at the drop of a hat) then you feel like the world is ending because you're not getting that baby. Don't tell me what sticks out in my mind and what doesn't. I think children are an amazing miracle, I love each and everyone one of my nieces and nephews, and realize the miracle that went into creating them, the fact that b''h they made it here ok, and healthy, and that just the fact that they are all here is a miracle. It sticks out in my mind that other people don't have children because I see the pain on their faces when people like you make sweeping statements like that that ''something must be wrong with them when they don't conceive after 3 or 4 months'' and ''everyone can conceive." It's people like you give more fuel to the fire that's burning in them that makes the desire for their own child 10 times more just to get people like you to stop making comments like that. I am aware of every child around me, and I am also aware of countless couples that have been married for enough time and they don't have kids yet.
Brianna: It's pointless to bicker over numbers. You seem to think infertility is rampant while I know that it's not. Anyone want to pull out stats? Has it come to this?Look, cal. Having babies is an awe inspiring thing. I am not comparing it to Dunkin Heinz cake mixes. I'm just pointing out that making informed decisions is smarter than having sex and letting nature...er...God do the rest.
CalvinandHobbes: I'm sorry...there's no nature at all in the creation to a child being born...it's part of your life plan that G-d has for you. If you don't want to accept that, then once again, you're in the wrong religion. Plain and simple. If you do not clearly see Yad H-shem there, staring you in the face at the point of conception when it happens, then that is just sad!!! Isn't one of the first tthings that you tell a child "Mommy, Daddy and H-shem" made you...are you saying that we LIE to our children to get to be better Jews? No...G-d is really there, Brianna, though you don't seem to want to admit it.
Brianna: God creates everything, including children. And cakes. And trees and flowers. When you take a seed, put in the ground and water it every day, you're not creating the plant. You have a part in it, but it would not grow without God. Babies are the same way.Hmm, maybe you'd take the analogy of a plant better than the cake thing. You wouldn't be shocked when after watering a seed you planted, a plant sprung up, would you? Why? Because God didn't do anything unexpected. He caused the laws of nature to bring forth the plant that was the result of your actions (planting the seed and watering it). Having sex without thinking is like planting a seed in rich soil and not having the idea that a plant will probably grow in mind.
CalvinandHobbes: G-d can kill the plant as well, so He is there in every stage of the way. What don't you get that G-d is a consistent part of our lives? Are you not a religious Jew?! Were you not raised to believe that G-d is always there, and we have to recognize that?! Things go according to the norm because G-D PLANNED IT THAT WAY. If the plant grows and flourishes, that's because G-d decided that it should. If it doesn't, that's because G-d decided that it shouldn't. It's the exact same with a child. If G-d wants to you get pregant and have a normal healthy baby, then He will...and He'll be there every single step of the way. If He decides that you shouldn't, then you won't. Plain and simple. I'm starting to think that you aren't Jewish if you don't understand this concept...
Brianna: What had you thinking I don't think God created and creates everything on this earth every step of the way? I simply acknowledge the fact that God also created a natural order which makes oil more likely to burn than vinigar.
CalvinandHobbes: OOOHHHHHH, so you admit that some people can take several months to a year to get pregnant? There's another place that you're inconsistent with what you're saying, since you've been yelling and screaming that all normal healthy under 20 year olds are all conceiving within 3-4 months. Tsk, tsk, Brianna. Maybe you should just stop talking already.
Brianna: I was not being inconsistant. Fertility decreases as a person gets older. Women in their late teens usually concieve quite quickly. That's where the 3-4 months figure came from. Early 20s up to a year. Mid to late 20s even longer. Women past thirty have a much higher likelyhood of fertility problems. I put the estimated times for both late teens and early 20s since that's when most yeshivish women get married.

Crying Tonight

2006-08-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

Very much in the spirit of Tisha B'Av, I'm crying tonight. It's my first time crying in such a long time. Things have been going well for me, I guess. And they still are. In fact, things are going swimmingly for me. So what's wrong, you ask? Are you crying because of the chorbun or something? Ha, I wish I were on that level.

I cry because the girl I'm trying to help is stuck in hell, and there's little I can do no matter how I try. I'm trying desperately to get her out but she's so entrenched she doesn't know how to let go of it. Her life is right out of social worker textbooks and her foster family is little better than her biological one. She's 17 and alone, without the skills to make it on her own.

Most people make their situation sound worse than it is. They overdramatize it. With her it's eerily the opposite. She made her foster home sound okay, and I believed her. Until I went to visit her home. Usually I pick her up, this time I actually went in to the house and met her foster mother who has to be the most negative, emotionally abusive woman I've ever encountered. Apparently, not a word comes out of her mouth that isn't either harsh criticism, manipulative or an outright threat that she will be thrown out.

By the time I got to this girl's room, I was severely shaken. This girl's whole life exists between a rock and a hard place. All she wants is a family to love her. That's why she doesn't just go out on her own. She wants to become a nurse and is willing to do what it takes to do that, but what she really needs is love. Wherever she turns, though, the adults in her life use her as a punching bag (mostly in the figurative sense, but sometimes literally too).

What kills me is that this girl is so, so down but she's resiliant. She's still alive and kicking. She hasn't given up completely yet, but I can see the spirit being beaten out of her day after day. How much can a person take? If I lived on my own, she'd be moving in on Friday, no question about it. She'd start college and that would be the end of it. But I don't. And all the things I could do to help are irrelavant because she doesn't WANT to be on her own yet. She wants a family. She would prefer an abusive home than no home at all.

So yeah I can do my part. Take her out, be a positive little light in her dark tunnel. But that's about it. I have to watch her being thrown around by the various Rabbis. How can community leaders be so blind? Can't they see what hell she's in? It kills me that I have to watch her suffer like this.

That's why I've been crying for the past couple of hours. I burst into tears in the car on the home from this girl's foster home. Tears of frustration and anger and sadness. I have newfound appreciation for my own life and the people in it. And I'm hoping that once I've run out of tears all the will be left is resolve. This girl is not going to get pushed under the tide. I'll save her, no matter what it takes. I SWEAR!

On Blinking And God

2006-08-01T20:23:00.000-04:00

I blinked and a month went by. I kid you not. Am I the only one who is convinced that far from a straight line, time is like a rollercoaster going by in chunks and then slowing down in unpredictable intervals? I am convinced that it's a fact of life created for the simple purpose of reminding me that God runs the show.

People like me have an odd relationship with God. It's partly a deep childlike love but not fear, disfunctional love/hate or ambivilance (the worst of all). The best way I can discribe it is a two year old's need to feel independant even when grossly incompetant. And every so often, you realize that you can't do it, and you need God's help and you put aside your pride and ask for it. And God provides out of his eternal graciousness, like a parent helping his toddler get the crayons from the top shelf after half an hour of the child's needless frustration. Five minutes later, the toddler is again convinced of her independance. And thus the cycle continues.

Sometimes it takes more of a jolt, though. You know, the things that happen when little things aren't enough to keep God in mind. Hopefully, they're not devastating - just disturbing or odd enough to make you rethink your own perspective. The things that make you wonder if your mind is playing tricks on you and then you shrug and say "wow god created a wacky world". I realize I'm being obtuse, but here's what happened a few days ago:

I woke up and looked at the clock. 9:30AM. After a moment of shock, I leaped out of bed. I got dressed in record time and was on the road within minutes. I was halfway to work when I it struck me: Today is SUNDAY! So all that rushing and heart racing was for naught. Or was it? I had been so sure that Sunday had already passed. My dream the night before was so vivid, it was like I had already experienced Sunday. It felt like time rewound 24 hours and I was repeating the day. Like some future humans messed with the timeline and I was suffering the psychological effects. Or like God was playing tricks on me to make sure I remember he's still in charge.

Yeah, I know. I'll stop reading so much science fiction. But those are my thoughts on blinking and God.

IQ vs. EQ Brianna Style

2006-07-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

It's a known fact that guys my age simply aren't as mature as girls my age. Or at least it's a phenomenon so expected it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Either way, they feel 3 or 4 years younger than me at the very least. Most, anyway.

Then there are the few who are 19 and have been on their own for a while. They have careers, albeit lying about their age, and act crazy and do stupid things but are responsible at the end of the day. It's fascinating, and these cases are few and far between. Yeshiva guys are still sheltered by the smothering cloaks of their yeshivas, swiftly shielded from the real world of choice, independance and yes temptation. College boys...now that depends. Most are still supported by their parents, immerse themselves in acadamia or worse: both.

It's the ones who work and make it on their own that I admire. And they're the only guys I'd look twice at. Perhaps because I can relate to them. Or maybe it's because I have the kind of contempt for infantalized young adults that can only come from slight envy. Either way, hell, it never fails to amaze me.

So there's this one guy who I'll call Sammy. Looking at him you'd swear he's 21 but in actuality he's about to turn 18. He works in diamonds and it's not because he inherited some position from a rich father. He worked his way up on sheer talent. He has confidence, spunk and he has enough smooth talking stuff to close a huge deal without breaking a sweat. So in short he has more money than he knows what to do with and the guts to really have a good time.

Fine, so he's smart. Any psychiatrist in the world would agree with you on that. And as far as traditional emotional intelligence, just take a look at the way he deals with people. The guy knows what to do and how to do it. He can read people like a book. But when it comes to complex emotions and real maturity stuff, he's just a kid.

One example: Gold diggers. Let's just put it this way. He has a convertable AND a gleaming new Honda Accord with all the options etc. He spends money on girls that you wouldn't believe. So yeah, he has them flocking to him. And then he wonders why they're not real. Seriously. He genuinely wonders. So as a friend I told him that if he ever wants real love he'll have to fake being a normal kid for a while. Find someone who wants him for who he is without all the bling. Otherwise he'll end up with a wife who is married to his money. He knows this sort of thing intellectually. Hasn't absorbed it emotionally. Or maybe it's because at his age who cares about the future as long as he's getting laid.

I see that kind of stupidity in myself. Yes, I'm smart. Yes, I'm getting where I need to go. But emotionally I'm lagging far beyond my intelligence. And I have to remind myself of that occasionally. Heck that's life I guess.

How To Raise A Good BY Girl

2006-07-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

Don't bother lying. I know there are some of you who frown and shake your heads when you read what I have to say. How did she turn out this way, you may wonder. She started off a good Bais Yaakov girl. What was it that her parents did so horribly wrong? Or was it The School? How on earth did she turn out so differently from her peers?

I am not aidel. I am not obedient. I don't just accept what I'm told, and I don't have emunah peshuta in Rabbis. I am not content with "Torah values" novels that undergo unbelievable contortions to avoid sexual tension of any kind. I despise reading Baalei Teshuva stories and white washed Rebbe biographies. I don't have body image issues and am even confidant enough to wear bright colors. Shockingly, I don't own a single black skirt.

But it gets worse. I have an independant sense of self, uneffected by community pressures known to work so well on "normal" girls. I have goals other than finding someone to marry. And I don't consider lack of tznius to be the source of all misery and evil on this earth. Those are just a few examples. It is quite unmistakeable. The mold has failed me, despite my parents being fine, upstanding people.

Luckily, this phenomenon won't remain a mystery. I will share with you the main reason why I regretably turned out so different. Perhaps by following my advice, your daughters can be spared the burden of individuality and open minded intellect. Please keep in mind, however, that I only speak from personal experience. I am no professional; this is simply my explanation of where things went wrong and how to prevent it.

The begining of the end occured in infancy. My mother read to me and played music in the house, unaware of the disasterous effects. Her friends simply thought she was odd since I was too young to understand but they didn't know to stop her. And how could they know to? The research proving that reading and music jump starts little brains hadn't come out yet.

So I started out on the wrong footing. That coupled with library access meant I was doomed. Allow me to elucidate. If the goal is to create a good Bais Yaakov girl, you want to create as few differences as possible. As you can imagine, stimulating early intellectual development may rock the boat, so it should be avoided. You may think that reading to your young daughter is harmless, but it may lead to a precocious three year old asking uncomfortable questions like "where do babies come from" and "why do the boys get to act more wild than the girls" at playgroup.

Preferably, your daughter should not have any access to the written word until age four when she becomes familiar with aleph bais and ABCs. Allow the school to teach reading because they will know how to teach the valuable skill while at the same time keeping it in check. When practicing reading, be sure to keep to the material provided. Madeline portrays a vivacious young girl with striking red hair who is loved for her outgoing personality and charisma despite not following the rules. The Cat in the Hat encourages imagination and creativity. And don't even talk to me about Dick and Jane. That will just give her ideas.

When she becomes what is termed an "independant reader", be sure that your daughter chooses appropriate reading like "The BY Times". If she insists on mysteries, "Bina Gold" is the only option. Do not be fooled - "Gemara Kup" is for boys only because it is about boys and also teaches gemarah thinking that is not helpful in Bais Yaakov chinuch. This is so vital that public libraries must be off limits. No, this is not harsh. It's a slippery slope. Secular reading leads to thinking which leads to questioning which is chutzpa which leads to being "at risk". Don't you see that your daughters must be prevented from such things?

Newspapers must be off limits except perhaps the Yated and Hamodia - and even that must not be allowed until high school age. Although the Mishpacha may seem deceivingly frum, select articles may encourage critical thinking unbecoming of a Bas Yisroel or even, hashem yerachem, questioning of The Way Things Are Done. And if a magazine that innocuous could be so damaging, one can only imagine the effects of an online publication like The Onion or books like A Wrinkle In Time, Anthem, Catch 22, 1984...the list goes on.

Yes, there are other steps that must be taken. Praise must only be given for Bais Yaakov approved pursuits. Monitering which friends she makes is vital to limit outside influence. Good middos must be constantly reinforced. All that is important, but access to secular books may undo all your hard work if you're not careful. On the bright side, however, once your daughter is on the road to fitting the mold, your chinuch will be reinforced by guilt and peer pressure to continue that way. Baruch hashem for that.

No, I'm not joking. Follow my advice, and may your daughter give you much nachas and become a good Bais Yaakov graduate, as similiar to the rest of the girls in her class as possible b'mheira b'yameinu amen.

Friendly Advice

2006-06-16T18:23:00.000-04:00

Some friendly advice from your favorite brianna (because chances are that if you're reading this I'm the only brianna you know...): If you want something and getting it doesn't involve doing something immoral, illegal or otherwise wrong, just get off your butt and GET IT. Waiting around for stuff to happen will at best take a while and at worst leave you frustrated and empty handed. So if you want something, it's up to you to be proactive.

I won't lie. Getting things done often requires a measure of chutzpa, impudence, whatever. I decided I liked that about myself one of the first times I found myself seated in the principal's office. I was a pint sized six year old and the woman seemed the size of a whale as she screeched about derech eretz and extreme chutzpa. Okay, I thought matter of factly. If chutzpa is something SHE doesn't like, I'd better keep it.

Ah, the good old days. But I'll get back to the point. I've been wanting a desk for about a week now. The idea that I was an almost 19 year old who did all her work on her bed struck me as intolerable. So I asked my dad if he would get me one for my birthday. He said something unintelligable and then "Yeah, okay" before re-burying his nose in work. When I asked him how much I could spend on it he went the ambiguous "I'll think about it" route.

Instead of getting frustrated and resigning my dream to the pipedream section of the flying file cabinet that is my brain, I got smart. I looked at my options and then decided to go get one myself, and if he didn't pay for it, I wanted it enough to risk absorbing the cost. The first chance I got was this afternoon. After dropping some packages off at the post office, I noticed a "Wholesale Furniture" sign across the street. Very characteristically, I whaltzed into a warehouse the size of Montana, found a worker and this is how the convo went:

"Hi, do you only sell wholesale here?"
"Uh yeah that's what the sign says."
"But do you have samples? I need a desk."
"Sure, a whole roomfull of discontinued models are right over there...lemme get my boss."

Then I was ushered into a gigantic room full of just desks of every style, shape and color you can imagine. After walking around for 10 minutes, I fell in love with a gorgous wooden desk complete with a hutch, pointed to it and said "That one." After signing the check came the question of delivery. Since it was obviously fully assembled, there was no way I was fitting it into my tiny car.

When I asked if the desk could be delivered today, the boss said "Don't count on it but you can ask him [the worker]." I batted my eyelashes and said pretty please and an hour later, I had my beautiful new desk sitting in my room. Now that is what I call being proactive. I did what I had to do and ended up getting exactly what I wanted for a lot less time, money, and headaches. Ever do assembly? I haven't and I don't plan on starting.

So seriously, if you want something, don't wait around. And if you do, don't complain about it because it's your own fault.

Achievements

2006-06-14T22:00:00.000-04:00

Preface: Okay, I'll admit it. I left myself a loophole in my last post. I said it might be my last post ever - I didn't say that it was definite. Well I guess that was good because in the end it seemed a shame to leave forever. I've missed this blog for months now even though I'm so busy, and I've waited long enough to diffuse the constant attention...

I've been told that the things people end up feeling most proud of aren't glorified by the media. That promotions and other tokens of success are nothing compared to the things that matter. But come on. In real life, it's hard to believe that never mind live it. But today I had an experience that would not have looked like anything special to an outsider but meant more to me than my recent promotion, birthday and a few other things combined.

Allow me to explain. I've been babysitting for years now, although at this point I'm semi-retired in that I rarely take new clients. Most families I babysit have had me for several years. There's this one family that has three little kids (going on four) and the little girl has always been very mommy-attached. She despised me as a baby and even as a toddler she cried for at least a half an hour every time her parents left. I didn't take it personally, of course. Kids can be like that. But it still wasn't exactly pleasant to have a bawling kid, especially on a once a week job like this one.

For the past two months, however, things have been improving. The little girl would cry for about five minutes after her parents left but would quickly calm down. But this week was an absolute MILESTONE. When I walked in, she said gave me this huge smile and said "Hi, Brianna! Let's play puzzles!" in that adorable two year old voice. Her parents were pleasantly surprised - no - shocked. They gave their goodbyes, half expecting her to realize they were leaving and start crying but she didn't. She just said "Bye bye Mommy and Daddy" and went off to play.

I can only begin to describe how I felt at that moment. It was so exhiliarating. I mean this was something I'd been working towards practically since this kid's birth. But it was more than that. For the first time, this little girl was happy to see me. She was in affect affirming my belief in myself as a good babysitter. And for reasons that are probably deeply psychological, that role means a lot to me. There's something about going somewhere after work where there are no adult judgemental minds. Just kids who play with play-doh and love stories and getting tucked in at night.

So oddly enough, this two year old made me feel a thousand times better than any promotion ever could.

This Is It

2006-03-30T00:19:00.000-05:00

This very well might be my last post. I'm usually decisive, but this time I don't really know one way or the other. The major problem is that I really can't just say what's on my mind. Too many people I know read this (my parents being most notable). While rereading my posts about this particular problem I couldn't help thinking about what was going on in my life at those times and how I wished I could blog about it. It would have been so great to have some support. Instead, I kept back the things that mattered and blogged about inanity. How pointless.

I think my time would be better served working on my book which is a more developed version of the old book I once posted a bit of on the other now empty webpage. It's going well, and I thank my readers who helped me make the decision to go through with it. Rivkah and her crew are fascinating to work with.

So I guess this is it. Has it even been 100 posts? I'm not sure if that's considered substantial or not, but I enjoyed this while it lasted. Thank you, readers, for your interest and comments. I appreciate it more than you know. I can be reached at the e-mail address included in my profile, if you'd like.

Goodbye, now.

When Fired = Rich

2006-03-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard of those insanely infamous and controvercial cartoons depicting a certain Islamic prophet, you live under a rock. Every news source in the civilized world reported it. Islamic groups everywhere were outraged, and the issue found its way into international diplomacy. The episode sparked off discussions about freedom of speech and how far it could go, but it also forced Europe to consider how far they are willing to go to be politically correct.

Denmark, a country where the newspaper with the cartoons originated, was boycotted by some Arab countries and all sorts of nonsense went on. And all this was sparked off by a relatively insignificant kid who worked for some small newspaper of a usually unnewsworthy country. All I can say is: wow. That's certainly one way to get free publicity. Advertisers pay millions of dollars just to have a several second spot on the Superbowl. The publicity this kid got couldn't have been paid for with any amount.

Imagine if this kid had stayed quiet and toed the line at his little newspaper somewhere in Denmark. Where would he be in 20 years? He'd be stuck at the same newspaper and never really get anywhere special in life. Average work gets average results. When you do something innovative, something that no one else has the guts to do...now that's when you have potential.

Sure this kid was fired, but that was acquivilant to the biggest promotion in history. If this kid is smart, he'll go on talk shows, write a book, become the poster boy for free speech. He'll get everything he's always dreamed of: More money that he'll know what to do with and an audience with the whole world. What more could a kid working for a smalltime newspaper ever ask for?

It Bugs Me

2006-03-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

You know by now that there are many things that bug me. Corruption is rampant...oh don't get me started. It would take several million posts to sort through all the rants I have in my head. But over the past year or so, I became aware of a situation that is representative of a particularly major inconsistancy in the recommendations for the 'proper' shidduch process.

The bit of advice du jour is to take advantage of all oppertunities. A friend suggests something? Go out and see if it's right. Go to that singles event even if the idea seems awkward and pointless. See that shadchin who you don't necessarily like if there's a possibility she can set you up with the right guy. Do what you can. Do your hishtadlus!

But many who say that don't mean it. They want to look like they're doing something about the "crisis" so they try to sound smart. But there still are parents who get uncomfortable with unconventional matches when all is said and done. Take this girl I'll call Perel. She's one of the best friends of a friend of mine from Boro Park. Perel is overall a good girl, but she never exactly enjoyed the Bais Yaakov she graduated last June. Her friends include guys and girls and although she's a virgin, she's had boyfriends. Two years ago, however, she started dating a guy I'll call Ben. He's as modern orthodox as her parents are yeshivish. They got unofficially engaged a year ago. It wasn't official since she didn't want to go ahead without her parents' approval. And her older sister wasn't married yet so her parent wouldn't hear of it. The party line was that she needed to graduate high school first, but that was stupid of them since they never intended to change their minds once she graduated. Two months or so ago, Perel's sister got married. The way's clear for her now. So she's negotiating with her parents who still aren't exactly happy.

My problem is that I don't understand them! Perel is doing everything she can to be a good girl. She's been dating this guy seriously for a very long time and is probably 300% more sure that Ben is the one than products of yeshivish shidduchim. She's practiced some serious self restraint, both sexually and in terms of holding off the marriage. She's the only one stopping herself in either respect. Ben happens to have money. A lot of it. She's not asking for her parents' blessing because she needs them to pay a dime. She just wants them to smile at her wedding. Her parents are being so stupid and closed minded. They don't see all the trouble Perel is going to make them happy.

The question is this: Why are they pushing Perel away when she's doing the right thing? She's not exactly shomer negiah but she's not sleeping with her fiance either. And who cares how she met Ben? They profess to be proponents of the "do hishtadlus" thing! Well she did hishtadlus and is engaged. I think that they simply can't deal with things working out a different way than they have in their little heads. And psychologically, they'd rather if Perel simply didn't follow halacha. That way, they could point a finger at her and shake their heads. At least then they could classify her. Simple people like things to be good or bad. Black or white. Well sometimes things don't work that way. Perel's parents aren't preserving proper dating. They're just using that as a pathetic excuse to stay in their own little comfort zone.

I realize that not everyone is like this. Take my next door neighbor who was kind of looked down upon for being a bit of a rebel. As soon as her boyfriend became her fiance, however, everyone was like "MAZAL TOV!!!" So I guess it goes both ways. This isn't about that. It's about not being a hypocrite, thinking critically and expanding one's horizons.

Hours In A Day

2006-03-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

Bad, bad me. It's been over a week since I've last posted, and it's a mark of how insanely busy I've been. I feel like the scrambling white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. 24 hours are simply too few to accomplish everything I need to in one day. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten to the latest episodes of the 24 (an awesome new TV show) I recently rented. It's generally well done, but it dissapoints me that I usually know what's going on before the viewer is supposed to. The times when I am utterly shocked make up for that though. Okay, this time I don't care what. I'm watching it tonight.

Work is most of what's taking up my time lately. I will not be surprised if I top 60 hours for this week alone. Speaking of which...I think I found a career that may work for me. At the moment it's just a small part of my job, but it's something I greatly enjoy: Buying. Yes, there are people who are paid a decent salary to simply buy stuff! Amazing, isn't it. It's kind of like being a personal shopper except that your client is less prissy and the stuff is usually being bought on behalf of a corporation.

The concept is easy: find the right item for the best price possible. The tricky part is the bargaining. Wholesalers try to rip you off. Retailers certainly try to rip you off. Oh you wouldn't believe that tactics I've seen to try to get you to settle for a horrendous price. There are ways to counter them, but I won't bore you. Suffice it to say that I relish the whole give and take. The adrenaline rush I get from getting a good deal is fantastic. Sounds crazy, I know. But you have to admit that buying stuff with someone else's money sounds good.

I'm looking into it, but gosh this might just be it.

Letter To The Front Page

2006-02-19T23:12:00.000-05:00

Note: The Front Page is a weekly Orthodox Jewish magazine distributed for free in the New York/New Jersey areas. Since as of yet, they have no Letters To the Editor section, I'm posting mine here.

Dear Front Page,

There is no shortage of frum advertising booklets, so you've taken the intitiative to become more than that. I've watched you morph into an actual magazine, with real articles and engaging columnists (Peshie Needleman is a favorite of mine). I commend you for that.

I comment because I like what you do, and I care. There's a reason publications I despise don't get face time on this blog: I simply don't feel like giving them the free plug. Yes, I've yearned to give a particular ultra frum newspaper that always seems to feature one dead rabbi or another a good bashing but always decide it's not worth it.

On page 110 of your most recent issue, however, I found an article that disturbed me greatly. The title was, of course, innocuous: Welcome to Monsey; Attention New Residents and Newlyweds. How nice, I thought. The entire first page of the article talked about how wonderful Monsey is. It outlined its aestetic beauty and then went on to describe Monsey as "an awe-inspiring citadel of Torah and Avoda". By the time I went through how devoted to Chessed and Ahavas Yisroel Monsey-ites are, I began to get suspicious. Where was this going?

Aha there it is, I thought sadly when the article finally revealed its true message. I knew it couldn't just be praising Monsey just for the heck of it. There had to be an ulterior motive. Basically, the article went on to say that since Monsey is such a great place to live, "you will surely be privilaged to partake of these invaluable zechusim with the $500 minimum contribution...small price to pay for the everlasting merit of building future generations b'kdusha v'tahara".

The whole thing seriously had me ready to puke. It was talking about, I realized, the large, overly extravagant mikvah that is being built. Monsey graciously donated no less than $5.5 million, and yes folks that's million with an M, to this mikvah before someone foolishly and carelessly decided to take out an additional million dollar mortgage. Instead of raising the money first, they rashly went into debt. Now they are using a kol kora to coerce all frum Jews in Monsey and its surrounding areas to dig them out.

What a chutzpa! People give what they can. Far beyond the taxes our neighbors complain about, we have high tuitions and a responsibility to our own shuls and mikvahs. Why should a person who lives 5-10 or more miles away from the mikvah being built be compelled to contribute such an astronomical sum? How dare you guilt trip us to begin with, but to add insult to injury you fluff up the whole thing in flowery praise! I am disgusted.

I realize that there is huge need for this mikvah. It in the center of a relatively new frum community that keeps growing every year. But this is completely and utterly inexcusable. It would have been much more acceptable to simply have a full page add asking people to give to the cause than to have this misleading article.

I wish you continued success with your magazine.

~ Brianna

The Hugless Time

2006-02-11T23:09:00.001-05:00

Until moments ago, I had very different ideas for this post. I was going to post something characteristic: bitingly true, controvercial and anti-group think. That was before a topic I once thought about and pushed out of my head with a shudder wormed its devious way back into my consciousness.

Harchokos. Just the mention of the word has me breaking into cold sweats. Let's put it this way: Of all the problems I have with Orthodox Judaism, this tops the list. And I'm not even married. So why is that? What's the big deal, right? Well for one thing, it's probably the most glaring example of halacha (or at least supposed halacha) being very much irrational and directly getting in the way of happiness.

Even thought I've said before and will continue saying that God's torah must be kept regardless of what I think, I always end up trying to reconcile halacha with what I think is right. And when the two just don't meet no matter how much I try to knit them together, it bothers me a lot. The gay dilemma is similiar but the fact remains that I'm not gay so I don't have to worry about it. I will, however, get married though. Deep down I know that my commitment issues will eventually give way to my growing desire to have kids.

See when I get married, I'll have to do things right in terms of halacha. It will be the major league of life, and I just can't take the chance of going to hell. But will I be miserable? Can I live with halacha's inability to realize that while women can live without sex for two weeks, going without hugs is torture? I dread the distance created by harchokos. I dread the time when I will try in vain to turn the intimacy switch on and off at the correct times. Why, oh why can't it be just intercourse that's prohibited during niddah?

I try to think my way is what God wants. That it leads to the greatest satisfaction and will land me in heaven. That people who follow the programming are sadly misguided. You know, the BY long hours and excess of schoolwork in high school that stifles individualisation. The seminary preperation for the role of a wife. The robotic life by the rules. And then I read taharat hamishpacha books that shatter my blissful notions. A nagging voice in my head says "See, they're right!" Then everything comes crashing down. My path becomes nothing more than cognitive dissonence: pick and choose Judaism with the hidden aspect of denial.

Perhaps I have a few too many married friends who scare me. Maybe it's really not so bad. Then I read blogs like Mayim Rabim that terrify me anew. But this is all about the larger picture. My general attitude towards Judaism and its laws. Will I eventually just buckle under the weight of my own doubts and become another accepting baby-maker?

Taking You Seriously

2006-02-05T23:36:00.000-05:00

I take you seriously. That's why I post once a week. Or is that accurate? To be honest, there are some times when I could easily have one post up a day. But I reign myself in because I want to be somewhat consistant. I can't believe how behind I am. For one thing, my last post probably needs a serious follow up; something to the effect of explaining how women confuse men by verbally telling them to be more empathetic and sweet while in truth all we want is that masculine confidance and bravado. That will have to wait for later.

This title has little to do with you, despite all that. It's more about my parents. Okay, now I officially feel uncomfortable, but this had to be done eventually. I recently learned that my parents are avid readers of this blog. Perhaps my sisters told them the url. How they know it doesn't really matter. Let's just say that there was a conversation with my dad that made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

He doesn't understand me and I guess reading this little platform of self expression is his way of trying. I don't know if I have ever hurt him more in my entire life. I was angry and yes, every word of that was how I felt. No apologies just because I know he's going to read this. Although I made a big deal of the whole thing two weeks or so back, it's all died down. I didn't have things exactly the way I wanted them so I threw the adult form of a temper tantrum. It sure helped let off some steam. I was thrown off balance and trust me that's not easy to do, for one thing. And for another, you'd probably want to avoid doing that for your own good. Now I grasp how he thinks better. He has his way of loving me, and I have to take it or leave it. It's not a carefully crafted game of manipulation as much as it is a question of vulnerability.

Glad I got that over with. It's excellent therapy, by the way. Costs less than sitting on a couch, too. Some soon to be PHD in psychology should do their thesis on the mental health benifits of blogging.

So now to the real query at hand: Why don't I take what my parents say seriously? There are certain things that I do, obviously. But when it comes to them trying to guide me, I don't know if even they know what they want at this point! It doesn't really matter in the end, but their reactions never cease to amaze me. It's almost like the frum female doctors who open practice in the area where I live. No one is encouraged to get that level of education - it's even heavily looked down upon, but once they're certified they are completely swamped. I know one and she was shocked at how quickly her appointment book filled up as she was sure she'd be shunned for a while.

On the same line of thought, I nearly fell off the chair when my mom's manicurist told me about how proud my mom is of me. (Point of interest, always talk to salon ladies. They know more about what's going on in town than anyone.) Supposedly, my mom went on about how she's impressed at how I got my license and car all by myself and about how responsible I am. My eyes must have been larger than saucers.

Ha, what a laugh. For ages, my parents forbade me from getting a car. I'm not sure if it were the visions of me crashing violently or whether it was just the prospect of more freedom that had them so vehement. In any case, they made it well known that if I got a car it wouldn't be welcome in the family driveway. But when I bit the bullet and pulled my car in, my parents just took a look at my proudly held deed and didn't say a word.

That's just one of many examples. In the end, it's good that I don't wait for approval. I just do what I need to and worry about everything else later. Not that there was ever another option, but it's a good thing I never took my parents' advice too seriously. Because evidently, they don't either.

The Problem With Mr. Mom

2006-01-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

After last week's roller coaster, I decided to take it easy. To try being somewhat normal for a weekend. So I did what every well trained eighteen year old American girl does: I put on some makeup, did my hair and then went - you guessed it - to the mall. Heck maybe the ditzes are on to something! It really is fun to sniff so many perfume samples you're practically begging for the coffee beans and buy a new pair of shoes. And let's not forget the getting hooted at part.

But as expected, my break from thinking was short lived. No sooner had I bought a gorgeous new lip color did I run into a full fledged Mr. Mom. Diaper bag over one shoulder, pushing a double stroller of adorable two year old twins, he looked rather worn out. Poor guy, I thought. Either his wife was incapacitated or she was some business woman who'd dumped him with the angel faced munchkins. But the kicker is that I wasn't sure which scenario would have made me pity him more.

So I directed him toward the children's section of Boscov's and went on my way. But I couldn't just sink comfortably back into shopping mode. The many books I've read on feminism and that liberal class on gender roles were taking their toll. It bothered me that I saw the guy I'd passed as pathetic. I mean who was I to say? Was I so narrow minded that I couldn't accept an arrangment where mom was the breadwinner and dad took care of the kids? Did I really think in terms of outdated 1950 era social standards?

It was clearly time to take a closer look at feminsim. It started as a movement to give rights to women. Sounds good so far. I mean why should women be denied the vote and equal oppertunities? All that is good!

You don't have to have read this blog for very long to know that I am not for the oppression of women. Far from it. But every successful movement has the potential to go too far.

The problem began when feminism's ugly undertone of attempting to emasculate men reared its ugly head. I'm not sure when that happened, but I do know that modern feminism has always had a quiet urge to take over and do to men what men have traditionally done to women. That would naturally lead nowhere good if allowed to actually take place.

Remember that line of the song in Mary Poppins where the mother is singing about suffrage?

"Though we adore them [men] individually, we must agree that as a group
they're rather stupid..."

This is the heart of where feminism went wrong. Mrs. Banks is saying that as individuals guys are great to have around. But they make stupid decisions as a group - and women could do a better job. That is dangerous. It is not egalitarianism but merely the equally perverse opposite of misogynism.

Emasculating men may feel good to emotionally unstable, power hungry women, but it is beyond stupid. There are plenty of reasons for that, but I'd like to focus on one aspect: It's not something women want to do. Not if they think about it, that is. With the exception of lesbians, women don't want men to be wimps. They want them to be masculine and strong and all that stuff. Let's face it: No one wants to sleep with Mr. Mom.

So why force men to attend 'sensitivity training' and beat them into submission with threats of sexual harrassment lawsuits? To ensure equal rights? Oh please. I live in a country where more girls are admitted to college than boys. The pay gap is fast disappearing. The only question that remains is whether feminism is merely being overzealous or if it's the collective female subconcious's bizarre way of begging men to finally stand up for themselves.

Kissing Butt

2006-01-22T18:01:00.000-05:00

You may already know that it takes a lot to make me kiss butt. I certainly don't do it on the job. Frankly, my hard work speaks for itself, and heck I would have been fired long ago if what my boss wanted was smiling airhead assistant.

So in my ideal world, I'd let my brains and confidence get me through everything. The problem is that I have recently gotten an offer I can't refuse. It sounds great on the outset: Free tuition for my bachelor's degree. But trust me on this one: Any offer of 40 grande in free money has strings attached - ropes, probably.

I have to hand it to my dad. He's the only person I've ever encountered who can outmaneuver me and not just at Risk and Stratego. But he's not playing fair on this one. He holds too many of the cards and he knows it. It's just too tempting. If I play this right, on my 21rst birthday I am homefree: B.A., no student loans to speak of and enough savings to get me through the first few months.

And then there's the issue of other options. My dad knows that Plans B, C and D are all either too expensive, more of a hastle than living at home or undesireable for whatever reason. Otherwise I'd be there. And the fact is that I've kind of gotten used to having my laundry done. Oh and I got back on the family food and clothing tab since I was recently informed that I can.

He's making things very convenient for me. Extremely so. And a brilliant strategist like my dad wouldn't do that because he woke up in a good mood one morning. It's all about power and control. Don't give me the "he loves you" bs. This is nothing more than a game of chess to him. If I ride off into the sunset, he can no longer coerce me into making decisions he likes (not that it's worked in that past but he somehow thinks it can this time).

Of course, he managed to slightly underestimate me. The plan is that he sets up a situation where I rely upon him for money and therefore have to be a good girl so I don't mess things up with him. I am one step ahead. There's no way I'm going to let him get away with that. The problem is that if I let him know that, he'll back out. And I can't let that happen. So I have to pretend he's in charge and then go out and do my own thing in my spare time.

In ways, I hate it. I always imagined that by age 18 I'd be long gone. And I can be, but I'm just not willing to pay for it. I like my lifestyle, and it turns out that I'm willing to kiss a little butt for it.

Cold As Ice

2006-01-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

It is only natural to take the things one is used to for granted. After all, of course ice is cold. That's not even a question. Other things are not nearly as certain. Like getting from point A to point B without skidding on aforementioned ice and landing in a snowbank. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did.

What wasn't cold at all was the reaction I got from fellow frum drivers. Instantly, three cars pulled over to make sure I was alright. One of them just so happened to be a chaveirim car and the guy actually pulled over and waited with me untill a police officer arrived to direct traffic so that I wouldn't be run over while waiting to be pulled out of the snow by the tow truck.

There was the one dolt who poked his bearded face out the window of his clunker and yelled "Nu! You're on the wrong side of the road!" As if I imbedded my car in a pile of snow for fun. But overall, people were great.

Needless to say, I had plenty of time to think while the towing company took its dear sweet time getting a truck over. What was so odd? Something seemed out of place. And then it came to me: people actually cared! As much as there are problems in the frum community, there's a certain warmth that just doesn't exist in secular society. I've seen plenty of cars stranded on the side of some road, and no one stops. They just continue along their business.

Frum people look out for each other, and that's pretty cool. We have hatzolah which gets to a person in minutes instead of hours, saving countless lives. There's tomchei shabbos that guarantees every needy Jew food for shabbos. And don't forget the gemachs of all shapes and kinds and individual kindness.

It's easy to overlook these things when you're used to them. They're taken for granted. But the truth is that while often nosy and overbearing, frum Jews have an attitude that is a far cry from the icy apathy I've seen elsewhere.

In Praise of Howard Stern

2006-01-11T20:29:00.000-05:00

By no means am I a Howard Stern fan. He's a crude, unhappy man with a distasteful radio program. Okay, now you're confused. Am I praising the man or insulting him, right? Well I'll try and explain.

There was a time when I actually listened to the show. It's not that I particularly liked it as much as the whole idea fascinated me. First that the man said whatever he felt like and just did his own thing, regardless of what anyone thought. Second that people actually enjoyed "watching" hot girls over the radio! I mean who would have thought? It's not like you could see the whole thing anyway - at least before the era of the tv airing of the show. It took obvious brilliance to turn something that should have not been viable in a radio format into a smashing success. Then there was the knowledge of the fact that my mom wouldn't have approved. That kept me positively glued.

As I got older and hopefully more mature, my interest in Howard Stern and his perverted show waned. But that doesn't change my opinion of him. Yes, it's sad that he can't just be happy. But he's probably the most complex and enigmatic famous (or should I say infamous) person on the planet. In addition, I learned three important lessons while enjoying his show. That's probably more than I gained from all of my elementary school teachers combined.

1. He always had this attitude with losers who called his show. A get off your butt and do something attitude. They were sitting around killing time while he had a successful and lucrative career. And it's not like it's because he got everything handed to him or because he was so special. He just made things happen. Good old fashioned elbow grease. I loved that he's not a bleeding heart like most liberals - and he certainly is on the left wing side of the aisle. I found that inspiring.

2. My view of models/porn stars was completely and utterly reversed because of him. As a young girl, I thought of these young women as glamorous, beautiful and sought after. He exposed them for the brainless twits they are. On the same note, he gave me a rare window into the minds of average men. Sure guys don't say what's on that show - especially in front of women. But they sure think it at times. That's been invaluable.

3. It's because of Howard that I never smoked pot. I mean I have had the oppertunity and it would have been considered cool. But every time I've been anywhere near the stuff, the memory of the pothead call to the show disgusts me anew. Don't remember the guy's name, but he'd call up and talk about how he smoked all day in a trailer and he'd hack into the phone like he had a bad case of lung cancer. I could almost see the unshaven face, the stringy hair, yellow teeth, eyes out of focus in the haze... 'Till this very day I hear that aweful hacking when I think of pot. And I thank Howard Stern for that.

Perhaps you're nearing the end of this post thinking "Oh god, Bri must be joking. I mean hey maybe she did learn some cool things but the man's still scum." He may or may not be scum. My level of actual admiration for him happens to be pretty low. But the fact still remains that he taught me three important lessons in life without even meeting me. That has to count for something.

Frum Jews Are Less Uptight

2006-01-08T03:47:00.000-05:00

That's probably the last thing you'd expect to hear from me. Half this blog is probably about how the frum world needs to reassess its more obsessive restrictions. But I've found one area where frum Jews are actually less uptight than general American society: underage drinking.

I found this out in college, during a conversation with a bunch of kids. It was usual under 21, anti-establishment banter. Adults suck, why can't we drink and smoke pot etc. Then one of the guys asked me if I, the good Jewish girl of the group, had ever had alcohol. When I replied "of course" unabashedly, everyone stopped talking and stared at me. "What's the big deal?" I protested. "Everyone does."

They asked me how I got it - if I had a fake ID or something. You would have loved the look on their faces when I said my parents just keep plenty in the house but I only have a bit of wine once a week on shabbos. It was a totally foreign idea to them.

When I thought about it after, the whole thing began to make sense. For the larger American society, the law creates a person's sense of morality. In the time of legal slavery, a person would feel guilty for not turning in a slave because that was considered the ethical thing to do. Frum Jews have a different set a rules to follow so the law is important, but not necessarily binding.

We have our own social rules that govern the use of alcohol (don't even get me started on Purim; remind me to post something then), and in my opinion they work a lot better in terms of preventing abuse. Think about it. Jewish kids are used to seeing and having alcohol from relatively young ages. Aside from ritual use such as kiddush, it is habitually drunk at dinner or whatever. But in our culture, it is rarely used for the purpose of drunkeness. Alcohol is simply not thought of as something sinful that must be kept out of site. It's just a drink that should only be enjoyed in apropriate amounts. Therefore, we have fewer incidents of alchoholism in our community.

So next time a secularist accuses you of being an unthinking sheep in a community with senseless restrictions, point out the dysfunctional love/hate relationship Americans have with alcohol and the resulting laws people follow unquestioningly.

Relax and Date

2006-01-01T17:53:00.000-05:00

We've all heard of the supposed 'shidduch crisis'. So can people finally agree that something's gotta give? Obviously the whole stictly seperate setting people up for the purpose of marriage thing isn't working out too well. The rigid system has created a bottleneck that has resulted in thousands of singles out there moping when they could be making cute little Jewish babies.

So I'd like you singles to consider the following idea: RELAX AND MEET PEOPLE! Yes. Just meet people. At work, school, at the grocery store. And if he's frum and asks you to coffee, say YES if he seems nice. But of course the good guys wouldn't ask the girls out because they're not supposed to so if one does he isn't a good guy so a good girl would never say yes...it's one big ole catch 22.

That must change if we are going to have a vibrant next generation. Ever hear of a HASC marriage? Sure you're not supposed to meet your spouse that way, but once it happens everyone says mazal tov and is happy for you. I know several "HASC families" and they seem perfectly frum and happy. So we've established that frum couples can meet under circumstances outside fogie control and still happen in a 'toradik' way.

So what's wrong with just meeting? I know several couples who are on the more liberal side of yeshivish who met that way and are really happy. Why do you need to be slightly more YUesque in order to consider that?

Is it because we need to make sure couples are shomer negiah? Is that cause worth preventing thousands of couples from meeting for? Look in today's world, social pressure can only do so much. If a couple wanted, they could do stuff while dating - and certainly during engagement. Those who don't are following halacha. It's ridiculous to infantalize adults (and yes, if they're ready to date, they're an adult, not a "boy" or "girl") by looking over their shoulder all the time.

I understand that safeguards are nice, but by the time these people are dating, Judaism should be a large enough presence in their psyche that they're not just shomer negiah because they have to be. There would also be the incentive of impressing the person you're dating. I mean think of a world where most orthodox Jews had a more relaxed system.

Moshe is ordering pizza at a nice little kosher place in Brooklyn where he meets Dina, who has ordered a falafal (without those fattening falafal balls, of course). They talk for a while and gosh Dina is looking soo nice... But Moshe dare not touch her hand or any other part of Dina for that matter. People are frum because they want to be and Dina evidently wants to be, dressed as modestly as she is. If Moshe does touch Dina, she'll dump him right then and there. And he knows it.

In the shidduch system, the idea is to make sure the couple is too uncomfortable with each other to do anything before marriage, but it doesn't necessarily work. You see there are people who get burned out. Like majorly burned out. They shidduch date because that's how it must be done so they end up meeting another burned out person and off they go. You may think that's the exception rather than the rule but if you do, you need to meet more dating people age 22+. Even better, age 25+.

There just needs to come a point where creating artificial seperations becomes a lot less of a priority. The reason people aren't meeting is because there isn't enough surface area! People can meet at weddings, Starbucks, the library, anywhere! It's the social climate that's the problem, not the people individually.

That's the end of that rant. Hope you enjoyed. Now for a little note that's a bit off topic: According to my highly unscientific poll, most people who visit this blog don't like it but go on anyway. At least that category won by 1% anyway. Either those of you who chose that option just picked it because it seemed most interesting or unusual or you actually don't like my blog. In which case you are reading stuff you don't like again and again. This piques my curiosity. I mean why read something you don't like? No one is forcing you. So seriously, I'm bursting to know. Why?

Beauty School Dropout

2005-12-26T17:21:00.000-05:00

Yup it was another one. She had gotten my number from one of my supposed admirers and wanted career advise. Can you imagine that?! Being an 18 year old college Junior and already reaping the 'rewards' of having a tangible social impact on my city's schoolastic climate. Ha, now I get to stay up all night helping hapless teen girls shape up their lives. How nice.

So how did I get into this position? Well I never meant to have an effect on anyone. I wasn't into that back then. I did my volunteer work and didn't worry about the other world problems. Other people could feed the starving folks in the Sudan. My decision to drop out of one of the most strict Bais Yaakovs on the planet was about my needing to finally break out.

But I unknowingly smashed an unwritten rule wide open. You see, no one drops out of BY. They may get kicked out, but they don't leave by their own free will. It's just unheard of. It's not done. Or at least it wasn't until I did it. I picked up the phone, thanked the principal for her guidance over the past two years and informed her with the utmost respect that I would not be returning to her school the following year. And I expected that to be the end of that. Well to put it simply, that was far from the end of it. Whispers followed me for the next few weeks...and months for that matter. But I really became the talk of the town when I left the modern orthodox school I had switched to and instead enrolled at the local community college six months later. Age 16 and in college! Now that was too much for them to handle. I couldn't be normal. Was I wearing pants? Was I doing drugs? All those questions swirled inside some people's little heads.

Eventually things died down, but the eyes were still on me. Would I succeed or would college life suck the frumkeit from my soul. Many watched and waited. But the astonishing thing is that they followed. Nowadays it is not uncommon for a kid to drop out of high school and enter community college. But I was the pioneer.

That's the history. Pretty ancient history as far as I'm concerned. My life is what it is and it really doesn't matter how I got here at this point. I'm happy and progressing faster than I ever imagined. But when teens call me for help in this area, I can't help but try. What they don't get is that I did what I did but it may not work for everyone. And I didn't do it because I'm lazy. It won't work as the easy way out. You have to be self motivated and hard working. Seems like those are traits not usually found in teens, unfortunately.

It's depressing to get a call from a beauty school dropout. It seemed easy but then the real work started and it was just too hard so where does this girl end up? She's all of 17 and not in school, not working, with no self esteem to speak of. What's a girl to do? Anyway, they call for my advice so I talk. I talk about the price you must pay for self expression. I talk about hard work. I talk about following through with things. I talk about staying out of trouble. And most importantly I stress how that's how I got to where I am today.

It would be funny if it weren't so darned sad. They think I had it easy! In their eyes, I told the stifling frum world to shove it and skipped along my merrry way doing whatever I felt like. So of course they want to do exactly what I did. But beauty school dropouts haven't followed in my footsteps - just in the dramatic image they have projected onto me.

So in the end, all I can tell them is this: "Beauty school dropout, go back to high school."

I'd Love To Tell You But

2005-12-20T00:45:00.000-05:00

There are few things more annoying than people who say "I'd love to tell you but...there are too many people who read my blog so I can't" or some other variation of the same idea. I mean seriously. You can talk forever about what you can't say. That's just a waste of other people's time. So in the interest of being courteous, if you don't want to talk about something, just keep it to yourself and don't mention it!

Now I know what it's like to have a blog but not be able to spill my guts all over it. And believe me it would be fun for everyone involved - at least at first. You all would find the bits of my personal life extremely fascinating and I'd get to ventilate. Everybody gets to be happy, right? I wish. The fact is that too many people know who I am so I don't feel comfortable. But I don't go around saying things like "Oh something really crazy happened last night...but I can't post anything about it for privacy reasons." Because I don't believe in torturing my readers or being downright irritating.

This all led me down another slightly different train of thought. Isn't it odd that people have to carefully moniter themselves even one of the most anonymous forms of public self expression out there? It's like if you can't write it on your blog, where can you write what you really think and feel? In a diary? Oh please. Those always end up getting read by your significant other or younger sister. And besides, any self respecting teen stops writing in theirs when they finally realize they've entered the stage of life when they have to start acting sophisticated (or so they fervently believe, anyway).

Shouldn't a blog be the solution? A place to truly be yourself? The truth is that since most blog readers who don't comment for the express reason of communicating with other bloggers are blatant voyerists, a blog where I could let loose would be infinitely more popular than this one. After all, I am somewhat of an exhibitionist (no, not in the I feel like taking my clothes off in public sense, you sicko).

This post didn't change anything. I'm going to keep writing my usual posts about things that I don't mind attaching to my real persona and life will go on. But ranting sure felt good.

Paradigm Shift

2005-12-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

During finals week, my brain can't handle anything too profound. So all I can offer is an interesting little tidbit.

As I may have mentioned, I babysit 2-3 times a week. If I did it for the money, that would be quite sad because it's peanuts: just enough for lunches, gas and occasional trips to Blockbuster. I do it because there is something fun and fulfilling about taking care of kids I've gotten to know well over time. There is no better feeling than getting hugged around the knees by some adorable child who looks up at you trustingly with those huge, sweet eyes... Sure it's not all fun and games especially when bedtime comes around, but somehow it's all worth it.

Untill this week, though, I kind of always placed myself in not in the 'child' category but in the teen stage of life. After all, I'm only 18. How could I be an adult? I play trains and lego with the kids and like it! Of course the parents of the kids I babysit are usually only 5-10 years older than me, but somehow that never sank in psychologically.

This tuesday changed everything. Major paradigm shift. While watching Rugrats Go Wild with the kids, I realized that something had changed since the days when I watched episodes of the Rugrats on video. Then it hit me: I identified with the parents instead of the kids! It was an odd feeling. I laughed at the parents running around looking for their kids frantically and the kids I was babysitting looked at me quizzically. So for the first time in my life I smiled, shook my head and said "oh, it was nothing" in that frustrating adult way.

Ever have that kind of thing happen to you? You experience something one way for years and then come back later on and see it entirely differently. Thought it was worth thinking about.

Futile Efforts

2005-12-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Every year there are a few days when I'm too snowed in to do what I usually do. Work or school doesn't happen and I can't go out because the roads are too bad. Although over the years the joy of snowfall is making way to annoyance for the missed workday. Nevertheless, it's kind of nice to sleep late and then read my favorite blogs with a hot mug of cocoa in hand.

So I came across the following post: http://anecdoteteller.blogspot.com/2005/11/bad-parenting.html and a guy who calls himself A Frum Idealist had something I found extremely interesting to say in the comments section: "I have seen it before, but it carries a strong message about leading by example as well as the fact that just because something appears easy to you, it may not be so easy for those following or attempting to follow."

That struck a chord with me, because I live life differently than most do. And sometimes I wonder why I can't pull the people I care about up by their bootstraps. I mean is it so difficult to just do what you love? Evidently it is because not a whole lot of people do. At those times, I can't help but feel like that failed mother duck. She wonders where her ducklings have gone when they fall through cracks that are too insignificant for her to notice. She doesn't realize that although they are fine for her to cross, leading her babies across will prove tragic. Not everyone can do what I do. I've tried to accept that sad fact, however frustrating.

Several weeks ago, I had a long conversation with woman I babysit for's good friend. She stopped by while I was there. It had happened before so we knew each other quite well by then. I knew all about how she's depressed about being unemployed, financially dependant on her parents at age 30, overweight and having a history of more failed relationships than she cared to discuss. I'd told her to get back out there and get some secratarial job or whatever. That she needs to get her life together before she goes back to dating because depressed women aren't attractive to sane men. I said it in many ways, many times and definately more tactfully than the abridged version above.

Of course I now know I wasted my breath. Her resume still hasn't been updated in five years. She still overeats when she's feeling down which is all the time. The cycle of misery has only continued. That's not so surprising. I mean where would capitalism be without all those unhappy, desperate people?

She thinks I'm amazing. That it's great that I'm so assertive, ambitious and self motivated. But she can't do the same. Not only that, but she asked me if I know anyone who deals cocaine because her supply has dried up. Makes a girl just want to throw her hands up in the air. Seriously. I have to remind myself that no matter how I try, I can't save the world. Not even one person at a time. Because some people just don't want to be helped.

Behind The Counter

2005-12-08T18:05:00.000-05:00

The choice was clear. I could submit to what my parents wanted and live a life of relative leasure (and misery) . My parents are considered upper middle class, after all. I would have gotten all the things my friends have. A paid year long brainwashing expedition in Israel, new car, expensive clothes and the time to blow dry my hair and paint my nails daily because I wouldn't have to work. The aweful price would have been my autonomy and that was something I wasn't willing to give up.

The fact is, though, that in a way I have joined a 'lower' class. After all, most of my friends work retail. I happen not to, but my peers do. They're the people I relate to. The spoiled princesses I went to school with are nothing like me. When I walk into a store my perception is different from these girls. I view the salesgirl as a person just like me who is working hard for her paycheck. I drop a few words and a smile instead of sauntering around on my designer shoes, swinging one of those Brooklyn girl handbags, thinking of the store workers as personal slaves.

I live in a different universe. I am a working class girl who doesn't wake up in the morning to look pretty and wait for a husband. Because I probably would shoot myself if my life were that meaningless. When things get tough, I think about this whole thing. The choice I've made, the life I lead... And it helps a lot.

There will always be snobs in this world. Goes back to days of nobles and serfs. But who is more valuable to society as a person? The 21 year old girl who is putting herself through school and paying her rent by working at Blockbuster or Forever 21? Or the one who doesn't lift a finger? I know who I respect more. These people are put down as white trash but they are tax payers just like the rest of us. And they never had anything handed to them.

I don't work retail so why am I mentioning this? I guess because I would be if I didn't interview as well and be lucky enough to have a better job. But the point is that sometimes it's good to try and see things from another person's point of view. So next time you're in a store, for a moment just imagine yourself behind the counter. It may turn out to be a valuable experience.

Appreciation

2005-12-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. You know, the time when everyone swipes their credit cards into oblivion. Everyone but me of course, but that tirade is for some other time. Beyond endless sales, the 'holiday season' as it's so politically correctly called is supposed to be a time for appreciation expressed by verbal thanks but mainly gifts. And you know what? I've discovered I'm not immune.

I mean sure I like my job because I am valued and trusted by the people I work for and because they thank me and work so hard themselves, but gosh the raise I got today made the office seem a lot brighter. (If I haven't mentioned this before, I work a regular part time office job and go to college. And babysit two or three times a week. And in my 'spare time' - what a laugh - I actually have some semblance of a social life. Don't ask how. Teenage energy I suppose.)

So yes, I do appreciate when praise is accompanied by something a little bit more tangible once in a while. This thought went through my head yesterday when my dad gave me a chanuka gift. Well it's kind of early but the item warrented early presentation. See he bought me a suitcase. In any other circumstance I would have been furious and insulted. I mean how rude is buying your daughter a suitcase a few weeks before she moves out? It's like saying goodbye and good riddance, isn't it?

No, it's isn't because I don't see it that way. I know what he meant by the gesture. He was saying that he knows moving out will make me happier and that he's emotionally supportive of my move. The suitcase is a top of the line Samsonite one that costed him about $200 - and it's in my favorite color too. My sisters are each getting something of comparable value, and the truth is that I like my gift better than either of theirs.

Either way, remember that just spending money isn't enough to impress people - at least those with brains. It has to be accompanied by actually caring.

Is Infertility A Curse?

2005-12-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

All of us know her. She's a good, frum woman who is childless despite years of marriage and perhaps fertility treatments. More often than not, she wants a child more than anything. There's a constant ache in her heart. So she wishes, hopes, prays and cries for the chance to be a mother.

Now I don't presume to be knowledgeable on the subject. I'm not even married after all and certainly have no degrees. And my point is not to make light of these women's pain at all. I'd just like to point out an interesting observation I've made about frum women who haven't been able to have children. Keep in mind that this doesn't include more modern types who don't have kids because they choose not to. These are women who are pretty far to the right of the religious spectrum: from chasidic to yeshivish.

They are more worldly. There, I said it. I'm not sure exactly why (and I'll address that a bit later), but these women seem to be much more 'with it' than their peers. They read more, pick up more of various vernaculars and just seem to be more fully developed intellectually.

Oh I know what you're thinking. "Terrible Bri. She's saying that women who do have kids are just mindless baby machines...." No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying that these particular women seem to be one cut above the rest in terms of being 'with it'. Nothing threatening, I promise.

Mindy is one example, but I have never actually met her. The only time I ever even spoke with her was to wish her mazal tov after her beautiful baby was born (after many, many years of treatments). Several months ago, I made the acqaintance of a different Satmer woman who we'll call Raizy for privacy's sake. She works at the same offiice as I do and is, as you may have guessed, childless. Oh and to top it off, she commutes from Monroe. If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that the words ignorant, backwards and cloistered come to my mind whenever I think of Satmer. But this woman shattered this steriotype for me. She is everything a good chassidishe woman is supposed to be. She is extremely tznius, soft spoken and has unquestioning emuna (it's amazing that she still manages to look beautiful in that shaitel cover thingie and those clothes), but at the same time is a complete whiz in the office. She speaks both yiddish and english impeccably, with only a faint yiddish accent when she speaks english. She is great with computers, coordinates several departments and can have a conversation with me about anything from politics to philosophy.

Eventually, I couldn't resist asking Raizy why she doesn't question the way she runs her life. Being chasidic, not being allowed to drive, all that. She looked me in the eye in that refined way she has about her and quietly said that there are many ways of serving hashem and it is not for her to say which one is the best or if there is a best way. But there is a clear path of avodas hashem that she has been brought up in and she thinks hashem is happy with it. She doesn't see her restrictions as a burden and she doesn't think all the things she isn't allowed to do are meant to bog her down. She feels secure in her warm community and loves it.

Now if she were some ignoramus, I'd shake my head and pity her. But she isn't. She knows plenty. She has a lot broader of a world view than other chasidic women I've met. It's not just her, though. I have friends who work in other offices and they've said that same thing about chasidic childless women.

So my question to you is this: Is infertility really a curse? Or is it a chance for some women to live a life that isn't so filled with being pregnant, giving birth and chasing toddlers that they have no time to think or learn? Ok, that was definately inflammatory, I know. Truthfully, if I found out I could never have kids I'd be pretty depressed too. But the fact is that fertile chasidic women have child after child and don't really have time for much else. All I'm saying is that maybe, just maybe, fertility issues have a silver lining.

Driving (Part 2)

2005-12-03T18:23:00.000-05:00

A thousand words have been saved as drafts on this blog lately. Words that never will see the light of day. Because some things, I realize, are sacred. They're not meant to be publicized and will remain between me and some of the closest people in my life. As much as I may hate it, that's how it must be.

Ah, where was I. This post isn't as much about driving as it is about not driving. Oh I do, but a friend of mine doesn't. A friend who I've known for years and just might become my roommate. Now the truth is that it's really not about that. I would have no problem driving her to work or whatever. I just don't know if she would be able to handle the responsability. I don't know if I can count on her for something this crucial. Can she keep up a six month commitment to a lease? As much as she's great, her job history is erratic and I don't know. I just don't want to be stuck with the rent. This will be hard enough for me. I can't worry about her too.

Sure there are other options. Like half a dozen, but they all have their pros and cons. Apart from the ones I've completely crossed off, of course. One place is an overpriced dump where the landlords are a young married couple who are in the pocket of a Rabbi who seeks to control all the unmarried young people in town (I say unmarried because they're not necessarily single in the strict sense of the word). Another is wonderfully nice loft about 10 miles out of town, but although she's an awesome friend and extremely stable at age 21, her lifestyle might make things uncomfortable. Then again I could always move in with two crazy friends who have guys over nightly and do pot on the weekends. Hey it would cost peanuts, and be better than living at home I guess.... Then there's my chavrusa who would take me if I had no other place. And then the only really attractive option that I'm not discussing.

Don't know what I'm rambling about. There are really only two options that are jumbling themselves up in my head. Either I could move in with that friend of mine I don't know if I can rely on or I take the leap. Everything seems so complicated. I'm so conflicted. Should I take the easy way out that isn't as easy as it seems at first glance? Or should I live with instability but do what I think may be more honest and upstanding?

Driving (Part 1)

2005-11-26T18:22:00.000-05:00

Lots has happened, but first thing's first. I have my driver's license - and a cute little car. Everything from waking up and paying for driving lessons to buying and registering my car was done by me. I have to say that I am really, really proud of myself. Every morning when I get into it to go to school, work or wherever I can't help but glow. This car is not exactly my dream car, but it's mine and it's in the driveway because I worked hard to put it there. There's nothing in the world that could replace that feeling.

It's more than a car to me. It's a symbol of my dedication to making what I want happen. That's very important because in about five weeks, I'm leaving home forever. And the truth is that before I got my license, I wasn't sure I could handle it. Being on my own, getting everything done...it's a daunting challenge when you're my age. But after the thrills of signing my name on that little slip and later recieving a brand new license in the mail and then buying that little car, I've moved beyond "I think I can". Now I know I can.

Okay, okay. Don't want to bore you. I probably just sounded like the worst motivational speaker you've ever had to sit through. But I am serious, in case you were wondering. It feels utterly fantastic to work hard as something and then achieve it. You should try it sometime. Very empowering stuff.

As a sidepoint, I finally realize why it's so annoying to have a backseat driver next to you while you're trying to concentrate on the road. I have this friend who I've known for 15 years (yes, you read right) and love with all my heart. She's been driving for two years and is quite competant although I must admit she does drive like a maniac if I'm being completely candid. So I had her in the car on Wednesday, and half the way she had to criticize everything I was doing. Finally, I reminded her about her own driving and politely asked her to lay off.

But woah boy do I now understand. As much as a driver may love you, they will feel like punching you out if you make comments about their driving. The best thing to do if you want them to drive better is to sweetly say "Please be careful. I trust you with my life." That's a lot more effective then driving 'em nuts.

Selflessness and Soul Selling

2005-11-12T19:12:00.000-05:00

Sure it's possible to do a bunch of different things, but you can't get anywhere unless you're both passionate about what you do and doing them for the right reasons. While spending your life giving to others sounds like a nice idea, in the long run it doesn't work if you are doing it to fill a void, to hide the fact that when you look in the mirror you don't truly know the person staring back.

I just read that back and it sounds harsh. But please let go of the bs about life being about giving and follow my logic for a few moments. You can't get ahead in life, be complete or be the most productive if you are not self directed and confidant. You need to be something before you can sacrifice. When you work yourself into the ground helping others you are being selfish; using other people's troubles to make yourself feel good. Real altruism would be to recognize that you need time too.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfectly self directed and not slightly dependant on external rules. But at least I am aware while others are perfectly happy sacrificing their independant sense of self on the alter of self righteousness. You can be a lot more useful if you are whole - to yourself and the world. So why, you are (or should be) wondering, do most people not understand that? The socializing forces of our culture benifit from your acceptance of two common and infinitely destructive misconceptions:

1. You are not good enough on your own. Everyone from lipstick manufacturers to those who are employed by wasteful government programs benefit from that one. You are not pretty enough without makeup. You need the latest gadget. You need HBO. If you don't believe me, take a course in advertising. It's all about lowering people's self esteems and creating the urge to buy. You need more social programs because you may be the one to need them next. Therefore you tolerate having your wages garnished by higher taxes now. (More on all this later.)

2. Good people never take for themselves. It's not a virtue. Plato has suggested more than once that the ideas about it being good to step down and give it to the next guy are merely a genius ploy aimed at empowering the strong at the expense of the weak. The only benifit of that is making the lazy or unlucky feel better about themselves. Well I say to do the less culturally and economically expensive thing and let the weaklings get a life.

It's like this: Say there's a successful guy who's a millionaire because he's flowing with creative energy, has the balls to do something about it and ends up excelling in business. He could have stayed some shmoe in a cubicle not taking any risks, with a mediocre but dependable salary and the leasure to take work off his mind when the good 'ole clock struck five each day. Instead, he gives it everything he's got: talent, energy, devotion, whatever it takes. He works around the clock. Breaks only exist to keep him from dropping dead of starvation or lack of sleep (which can actually cause brain damage in extreme cases).

That's the scenario. Now what if Mr. Successful here suddenly says 'Gee I feel so bad about having all this money while other guys don't', donates it all to charity and stops being so entrepeneurial? Let's examine it from a dollars and cents perspective. So he has donated a lump sum of say 30 million buckaroos (which are dollars in my lingo, dear foreign friends). Wonderful, great, fantastic. But what if he would have continued, become more and more successful and kept giving charity at the rate of 3%? You don't need to be terribly smart to deduce that society benefits more when he's working his butt of doing what makes him happy. Now you understand why it's utter stupidity to kick back out of consideration - because the little guy might get jealous.

Now that we've established that you're not doing anyone a favor by being their definition of selfless (especially yourself), I can get into the second portion of this post: The one that deals with souls and selling 'em.

My epiphany of the week has been that everyone ultimately sells their soul - or at least some portion of themselves. If you doubt this, remember the portion of the Torah that deals with a slave who has his ear pierced at a doorpost or something to that effect if he chooses to stay with his human master longer than is required. The reason for this strange ritual is the interesting thing. It's because we are supposed to be God's slaves - not the subordinates of mortals.

So even Torah scholors are enslaved - to God. It's all a question of who you pick as your master and how much you make them pay. On a more mundane level, you are your boss's slave for the ours you work for him (or her) in the sense that you sell the liberty to sip mimosas on a beach somewhere in return for a heavily taxed paycheck (yes, I did recently make the mistake of looking at the percentage of taxes I pay each month). In a nutshell, whether you devote yourself to volunteer work at the local firehouse or to the law firm where you're clawing your way up the ranks, you have sold your soul. {Fun tip: Imagine your boss with devil's horns and and that three pronged pitchfork thingie...okay I'm getting a little carried away.}

Now there was a time when I seriously considered going into social work. There's no way I would stomach having my bills payed by a well meaning tax dollar shredding organization that at the bottom line is just as corrupt as any corporation. The idea of counseling, however, interests me. I love getting inside people's heads. And besides, I figured, I'd be helping people. Sounded like a great plan.

Except that it was, and always has been half assed. A little of what I love plus a lot of placating myself about not helping other people enough. I can't settle for that. I love the mind, debate and persuasion...I can be really convincing when I want to be. Just a small example: I happen to know that the blog piece from a while back about eloping actually convinced a couple to do just that (you know who you are). I'd post the e-mail if they'd let. And the truth is that I didn't even necessarily mean all that seriously. I was being slightly overdramatic to make a point.

If I could do that on a whim (I don't exactly work hard at this blog - wish I could but I have a book to write not to mention a job, school and a life), imagine what I could do with a couple of years of training. Law school, perhaps. Or maybe industrial psychology. Or even go over to the dark side: advertising. You know, the ultimate evil of attempting to convince people that they need X product by the most underhanded and devious means. I hate the field with a passion, but I only do because I understand it so well. How it's done, why it's done and why it works. I'd be pretty darned good at it, given the chance. I'm tempted.

So now your know about one of the things that has been bugging me (not knowing where to sell my soul) and perhaps have gained a new perspective on life.

Shelf To Box

2005-11-05T18:22:00.000-05:00

There was nothing much to do today. Although it was unseasonably warm, no one felt like going out so me and my sister packed up my considerable collection of books into a shoebox or two, a crate and a large cardboard box. I had never realized how quite how many books I had accumulated over the years - or how heavy they were!

It was kind of fun doing the job with my sister. These days, we hardly talk because of our conflicting busy schedules. It was nice to giggle over which books are whose, reminisce about the ones we'd gotten ages ago (Ella Enchanted, The Phantom Tollbooth, The Magician's Nephew among dozens of others) and marvel at the fact that several have been read so many times pages are literally falling out of them.

She used to oppertunity to ask me if she could keep several books that were technically mine but she had gotten attached to. This included The Princess Diaries books and Tamora Pierce's first quartet. Although those books are undisputably too young for me now, I was a little sad to leave them behind. When I reminded myself that my sister's love for my old books was a triumph, though, I felt a lot better. Books are part of what shape a person's outlook on life and she certainly has developed all the things I've always hoped she would: As much maturity as one could expect from a fourteen year old and certainly a mind of her own. One could never accuse her of being a brainwashed little Bais Yaakov girl.

As I packed my books up, I kept a mental list of all the books I do not yet have but will add to my collection as soon as I have the time, stability and cash. Books like 1984 had such a huge impact on my life as a kid that they are they are literally indespensable. If you're not a bookworm, you may not understand how much books mean to me. But they taught me what I wanted to learn about the world, opened my eyes and fed my imagination (and soul, at times). The difference between myself and other members of my class at age 7 was this. I knew about more than I had seen with my own two eyes. I wrapped my mind around stories of magical kingdoms, circus life, exotic jungles and all sorts of issues that didn't necessarily deal with my little life in a small suburban town. My world extended beyond the mundane.

In any case, this is another step in the direction of moving out. And it's exciting! Even though I'll have to by my own copies of The Magic Schoolbus and Dr. Suess.

Old Fogie

2005-10-31T17:56:00.000-05:00

You read right. Your beloved Bri is an old fogie. How did I discover this, you ask? Well I was at Rite Aid, picking up a few things when I ran into a few kids I know. One of them's the younger brother of a good friend of mine. They must be about fifteen or sixteen. The conversation went something like this:

Kid 1: Hey, we were looking for someone to buy us cigarettes.
Kid 2: You wouldn't believe how many people are old fogies and won't do it for us.
*Kid 1 flashes me a big grin.*
Kid 3: So here's the money...

My stomach turned. Two years ago, I would have had no problem buying cigarettes for them if I'd been old enough. But things have changed since then. It felt wrong to be the one to enable these kids to burn their lungs out, shorten their lives just a little more. As far as I was concerned, they could smoke all they wanted - but not with my help.

So, feeling like an old fogie, I told them that I wouldn't do it and left them standing there. And boy, did I feel odd. You see, I'm a cool girl. I'm not one of those evil adults I would have despised as a kid - am I? Did turning 18 transform me into a sanctimonious old fogie whose life goal seems to be preventing young people from having their version of fun?

Oh don't get me wrong. I don't regret refusing to help the kids buy their ciggies. Not for a moment. I did the right thing. But it's still odd to be the one at the other side of the counter. Never before have I been in the position of an adult with the power to grant or deny a teenager's wishes - and choose to deny it because of little things like the law and what's right.

Just an odd little change of perspective.

Un-Inspired

2005-10-27T01:40:00.000-04:00

There's this movie called "Inspired" (for more info, this site may be helpful http://www.kiruv.com/). One of those things that all the frummies I know went to. Now I didn't see it, but there's a point I'd like to make.

Look the kiruv movement has been going on for ages. It's a wonderful thing. I mean what could be better than opening a Jewish person's eyes to his long lost religion, culture and people? Rekindling his soul? Welcoming him into our community? The movie I mentioned is supposed to live up to its title, according to my sources, but I believe that it misses the boat.

The problem of our generation is not a lack of recognition of the beauty of kiruv. I mean every frummie would get teary eyed at the idea of a previously not frum child being enrolled in a frum school, a woman lighting shabbos candles or a man donning tefillin for the first time. There certainly is a need for people to invite people over to shabbos meals and such and be nicer to non frum Jews (while being careful not to be influenced by them, of course). The aspect that's neglected, however, is what happens to them once it's all said and done. Once success has been achieved. A family that once classified itself as Reform is now proudly orthodox and has been for 10 years. They're not floundering. Their Rabbi has been wonderful and never left them hanging. Both the parents and children find endless joy in being frum. Everything is wonderful until it comes time for shidduchim.

Don't deny it. You know it's true. Frummies don't want their kid marrying a baal teshuva. Their little boy/girl can get better than that. The thing is that this thinking is so perverted. These are the same people who filled the seats at this "Inspired" presentation. Ostensibly, they like it when people become frum. So why do they reject them? Why don't they welcome newcomers into their families the way they welcome them into their homes to light shabbos candles and eat freshly baked challah?

We don't need a presentation to tell us how great it is when a person becomes frum, and how we can open our homes to these people. Any rabbi or rebbetzin can help you with that one. What would help is a presentation about the pain yeshivish baalei teshuva and children of baalei teshuva face when they want to get married. Perhaps that would help pierce the armor too many have placed over their hearts in this area.

As of now, though, I feel like a lone voice in a big world. I somehow doubt that the super yeshivish are reading this, so all I can do is offer advice to those who are thinking of or are on the way to becoming frum. Do yourself a favor and stay among the open minded. They may be nice and sweet and supportive now, but they wouldn't let you marry their son/daughter. They think they're better than you.

Why?!!

2005-10-23T20:38:00.000-04:00

If you tire of reading about my home situation, don't bother reading on. I need an outlet to rant, vent, etc. Perhaps there's someone out there who has a mentally ill relative and knows what I'm talking about.

Today was going great. Me and my father had planned to go out to see the new movie "A History of Violence" which is supposed to be fantastic, and I've been looking forward to it all day. Though my day was full of phone conversations (several crucial ones, actually), reading, packing, planning and troublemaking on h.com, tonight was something that was going to be really important to me: Quality time with my dad.

Look I'm not going to be home forever. Next year means January, slightly over two months from now. Chol hamoed means that my dad has more time home, and I got to talk to him more often over the last few days than in a long time. Sounds perfect, huh? A wonderful outing with dad, time to patch over old wounds in the car on the way and after the movie and just enjoying one of the things we have in common: taste in movies.

But guess who got in the way. Oooh, smart. My mom. When she found out she threw a fit. Lack of meds, PMS, whatever it was. She has such a way of ruining my day. When my dad explained that he wanted to spend quality time with me she literally had a tantrum. She needed his help and he can't do this right before yom tov, she needs his help, he should have told her a week in advance, Bri doesn't help anyway.... Never mind that not once did she ask for help. Whatever. Everyone involved knew that she was just being difficult.

So she threatened to go somewhere else for yom tov, and my dad called the rabbi. The rabbi said that we should reschedule for a different time and my mom begrudgingly agreed. She'd succeeded in ruining our plans for chol hamoed. And that's what she wanted. Well the end result is that me and my dad are going to the movie on Thursday and that's that. But I still have a bad taste in my mouth.

It's kind of ironic that today's the day the details of where I'm going to be living next year started fleshing out. That's the only thing that's keeping me sane. I know it's not forever. Soon, very soon, she won't be able to touch my life. At least my dad is on my side. In some small way, her displays of insanity work towards my cause. They remind my dad of what I've gone through my whole life. On the bright side, I got to see my dad stand up for me. And that doesn't happen often.

No Excuse

2005-10-13T21:11:00.000-04:00

I was warned. I have no excuses. My friends, boss, even my cat (now that one I'm joking about) told me I should take care of myself and drink some chicken soup and tea before my little cold turned into a full blown malady. But no, I had to be stubborn. I refused cold meds, confidant that I could do without and trudged onward. By Yom Kippur I was sicker than sick. I'm talking red nosed, coughing up unpleasant stuff, shivering in bed sick. Hey maybe it's the dreaded bird flu, and I'll be dead by Friday! Oh don't get too excited, folks. It's probably a lot more regular and with lots of fluid and cold medication that my dad promises he'll buy me tomorrow, I'll get better.

But it was kind of fun being delirious. When I was awake, I alternated between convincing my folks that I was dying of bird flu and leaving joking instructions for my will and funeral (stickers go to the kid I babysit!) and babbling about conspiracy theories. Come to think of it, I still feel pretty aweful and am still probably not back to myself but whatever.

Anyway, here's what's up. I feel really bad about missing my oppertunity to have a meaningful Yom Kippur. I mean I wasn't planning on going to shul, but I didn't even have the strength to daven. So now I'm thinking. Was I really planning on changing? After several consecutive years of really improving myself, was I really serious about correcting the stuff that I know God isn't proud of? Or am I too attached? Gosh, I hate that I know the answer. I wonder how many other people are in that place: Knowing what they're doing wrong, but not wanting to do anything about it. It's kind of depressing.

In a few weeks, I'll have forgotten all about this so I want to record it right here. The hope is that this way I won't be able to push it too far out of my mind for too long. Look I don't have any excuses. Although supposedly I've been a halachic adult since I was 12, you and I both know that we're not treated anything like adults until age 18 (and even that's debatable *scowl*). I should be taking responsibility for my actions, and I guess I am. But there are certain things I'm not planning on changing...at least till later... What a cop-out.

We're all gung ho about teshuva now. I mean it's the day after Yom Kippur! But I wonder who's going to be thinking about it a month for now. Or two months. Hey I don't want to seem like a pious, holier than thou person. I assure you I'm not. Woah, I'm really not. I'm just honest. So please take the time to think about something you're going to do better this year. Maybe it'll help with my kaparah or something. Hey you never know.

Big Whoop

2005-10-03T00:50:00.000-04:00

Little Note: I try not to post something this close to my last entry, but I'm ready to burst. Something huge happened this afternoon, so I'm going to go against one of my own few rules. Do keep in mind that my pre-Rosh Hashana post is the one before this one, and I'd love your comments.

It finally happened. My mom had a fit over my eating a few kreplach that were supposedly reserved for Yom Kippur. Oh well. I was rather proud of the way I handled the situation. After all, I wasn't the one throwing things. In any case, after an hour of her whining to my dad, he pulled me aside and informed me that I'm out of the house at the end of the semester whether I like it or not. I told him that he better not think he's kicking me out because I was planning on leaving in any case. Which I was. I managed, but only by staying out of the house as much as possible. Not that I didn't have fun, of course. I am a teenager, after all. My parents were the only ones getting high blood pressure over this whole deal.

Hum dee dum. So is life. It always has been more exciting for me than most people, so why should now be any different? Hey it's not like I was expecting a friendly send off or anything, but it would be nice if he were less of a little lapdog of my mentally ill mom. I hate to say it this way, but my mom's the one with the remote control in my house, if you know what you mean. My dad is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her happy. I just never believed it would go this far...

Look I love independance. It's great and all. But the fact is that a parent's approval can be nice and kind of encouraging. But not everyone is entitled to the luxury of having their parents ideals jive with theirs. Oh well. It took me 2 hours to get over it. I pay a price for having a mind of my own and it's well worth it. Very well worth it. But for all of you out there, just be aware that there is a price to pay. A friend of mine was just telling me today about a friend of hers who's trying to get her folks to approve of her upcoming marriage to her boyfriend of two years. Sometimes you have to take things into you own hands and not let others rule your life.

On the other side of the coin, I know the misery that comes from being aware of 'the system' and what it's there to do but staying trapped in it all the same. There are those who don't have the strength to leave. They've never developed autonomy, so that long into adulthood they see it all but can't bring themselves to break free. They don't have the emotional capacity or self esteem to do it. I wrote a poem all about this on hashkafah.com and thought it was good enough to transcribe here.

When Shechita Fails

inertia binds her
to the place
where speaking up
would mean disgrace
she always dreamed
she'd leave by now
inertia binds her
to that town
she loves the hurt now
needs the pain
although there's nothing
left to gain
her heart is breaking
her mind is screaming
her soul is leaking
down the drain
inertia keeps her
on the train
the system failed
to break her brain
what's wrong with her?!
she should be numb
like a good cow
when shechita's done
but she's still alive
to feel it all
she has no voice
or will to call
she could leave
but still remains
the only one with
a working brain
she hopes one day
she will become
like the good cows
sweet and numb

Here's the link to the actual thread: http://www.hashkafah.com/index.php?showtopic=15092 so you can see the dialogue. I really want to read what you have to say.

The Meeting

2005-10-01T23:33:00.000-04:00

I talk to God daily, but I don't daven in the traditional sense. It's not that I don't believe that repeating prayers formulated hundreds of years ago have some kind of kabbalistic impact that benifits humanity. No, it's just that using my native language to express my thanks to God for giving me a new day plus other good stuff as well as asking him for guidence and for things to work out is more meaningful to me at this point in my life than reading hebrew words out of a book.

So yeah, I pray. And I don't just believe that God listens and answers, I know. Because miracles happen daily. Oh not the kind where a hundred dollar bill appears in my wallet spontaniously or anything like that. But coincidences seem to happen at just the right times, and I guess I'll leave it at that.

The thing is that Rosh Hashana is different. It's the day when all of us get judged, whether we care to notice or not. Most people I know daven the prescribed prayers and vow to stop speaking lashon hara or something. I take a different route. Most people are shocked to find out that women don't have to go to shul on Rosh Hashana except for shofer (and even that's arguable). So I don't. In fact, I don't open a machzar at all.

My annual big meeting with God is much more simple and heartfelt. The fact is that I'm not as good a person as I should be. Sure I don't exactly know what the ideal is, but I know that certain things I do are wrong. And of those things, there are some I plan on correcting and others I don't have the strength to. So I pledge to work on myself, and ask God for strength to handle the things I can't approach yet. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I expect I'm not. Ever feel like there's something you want to change but don't? That is, you want to want to change it. I figure that if God is omnipotent and all, he can understand convoluted thinking such as that.

Anyway, I'm specific. A week before Rosh Hashana, I write lists of the stuff that could use some correction and really think about it. I prepare. I see it as an oppertunity. I'm my own lawyer as well as the defendant while God is my judge and jury. But this is unlike the legal system down here on earth in that you can't twist the facts. God knows all, and there's nothing to hide. The idea is to make the case that I deserve to live another year that I may or may not screw up, but have better chances of the former.

I wonder how many people actually do this; take the time to think of reasons why God should allow their existance to continue for another 365 days. We all know that it's not guaranteed just because we've been alive for X number of years so far. There are people who are killed in freak accidents every other minute. We just don't think about it because we can't live constantly thinking that way. I fully recognize that the excercize is fully for my benifit - not God's. It's for me to reiterate the real reasons why I'm living and making sure I'm following that path.

And the truth is that if I don't appreciate the gift of life that God gives me each morning when I open my eyes and greet the day, why should he grant me another? It's not like I'm some saint who benifts humanity with my every action. So I make a good case every year (or so I think and hey it must be working since I'm still here, right?), but it's more than that. I pledge one relatively big thing and ask for a bunch of things in return. It's not a tit for tat petty thing, though. That would be too disrespectful. I just figure that God gives me what I need in this world, but sometimes I just need to put in a little effort as well as ask God for it. So I tell him about the things I think I need, the effort I plan to put into my little project of the year and hope that he'll think I need those things too. And the fact is that this little excercize has always yielded amazing results. I don't ask for crazy things, though so don't get too excited. I would love to ask for a full scholorship to some university, but I try to keep things within my range of plausability.

Rosh Hashana is nearly upon us, and as always I feel vulnerable and unprepared. But the truth is that I've done what I can. And if I'm worthy to be alive next Rosh Hashana without having too many catastrophies wreck my life, I'll consider it all to be a success.

A Letter

2005-09-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

This is inspired by The Rabbi's Kid's letter to his future self. I figured it would be a good idea to do the same so here goes:

Dear 30-year old Bri,

Hey it's me; you at age 18. Just wanted to remind you of a few things you may have forgotten during all the years that seperate us. Wanted to make sure that all effort I'm putting in now, all the bs I'm putting up with is worth it. You see, I have dreams. Not just the "dreams" prep school grads talk about in their cutsie application essays to Harvard. I'm talking about real stuff, the stuff I live for. And I know from talking with adults that these things, the ones that really matter, sometimes get lost along the way. It's hard not to lose track.

Do you remember being 7? I hope so. That was a hard year, but one in which I made a lot of decisions about who I wanted to be. Even then, I wanted my own place, my own space. That's something I've never had. Until I was 11, I shared small bedroom with my two sisters. So I dreamed of the day when I'd have my own room: bed, four walls, closet, everything. Only the bed part came true. Sure it was nice not to sleep on a bunkbed anymore, but my room was far from private. My closet wasn't mine, and that changed everything. The whole family was free to walk in and out as they pleased to get clothes or whatever. And now, sure I have my own room but my OCD mom insists on cleaning it every two minutes. How's a room supposed to be mine when my stuff is rearranged every time I turn around?

Look I'm not complaining. I'm willing to bet that I have a lot more fun now that you do these days. All I ask is that you appreciate having your own place and take advantage of it. Sure you don't have the energy and enthusiasm that I do, but just do it for me: the person who you used to be. Personalize every inch of space you call your own. That includes the car too, by the way. You probably think it doesn't matter that much, but it does because I care. I didn't go through this all to become a boring, steriotypical American adult.

Have a car that reflects your values and personality (preferably green and a hybrid too while I'm at it). Take out a few weekends and a budget to paint your place green and purple and light bluish turqoise (not in the same rooms though). Look at your apartment furnishings and re-evaluate. Maybe it's time to get rid of that ragged lamp or torn armchair you got in grad school just because it was cheap. The idea is to take a good hard look at your place and see if it feels like home. If it doesn't, I beg you to do some renovations. Oh and one more thing. Enlarge the pictures of every kitten you've ever rescued and hang them in the living room. Because that represents an accomplishment you can be proud of when you're at the end of you life, in a hospital bed somewhere. And aren't those the kind of accomplishments that really matter in the end?

Now for the hard part: Kids. I hope you have one or two and are married. You probably know more about raising them than I do at this point, but there are just a few points I'd like to touch on. See I've been babysitting a long time, and it's far easier to be objective with other people's kids than your own. It's very important to me that you raise your kids, my future bundles of joy, right.

1. Don't spank them, even if it's gone back into parenting style. Just don't do it.
2. Play classical music in the house. It helps kids' brains.
3. Read to the sweethearts just like you were read to. It encourages learning, thinking and growing. And love of all that is a crucial thing to instill.
4. No television. Not because the frummies hate it but because it turns the mind into mush. So yeah, you'll have to wait till the episodes of Family Guy (or whatever fancy new tv show you like now) come out on DVD.
5. Be a babywearer. America is so devoid of affection and touch, it's ridiculous. Don't even get me started. Just do that for your kid, ok?
6. Don't try to be the perfect little wife and mother blah blah. Show your kids how wonderful it is to be a unique free-thinking happy person. Pass that on to the next generation.
7. Try to be a role model every day. Even when it gets hard.
8. Remember what it was like to be put down for having different dreams than your parents, and encourage your kids to live their dreams. Even if that means letting them become Satmer or something. *gulp*
9. Care for your aging parents. Besides for being an excellent example for the kids, it's just something I want to do. Please, please don't forget about them.
10. Keep up your old hobbies. It's not neglecting the kids. On the contrary it's good for kids to have a creative mom. Writing, rollerblading, writing movie reviews... Hey who knows. Maybe "Brianna" is a well known name in authorland by now.

Career wise, you must have heard that lots of people go into a field wanting to "make a difference" or something and then just end up getting a 9-5 and collecting a paycheck. Don't be that person. If you wanted to just follow a track and be average, you could have taken the easy route but you didn't. Make a difference. Put in that extra time. Now that you are an adult, you can be that person who sees beyond their own life and its issues. Whatever you do, don't become an adult you would have resented as a kid. And you know what I'm talking about.

Enough of that. I think you get the idea. Anyway, just make your life have meaning. I'm so full of passion and idealism now. I beg you not to let that fade. Keep doing crazy things like sliding across wood floors in socks and playing 'kareoke bar' while dancing around commando (in privacy of course). Keep lots of candles around and light them, grow plants and water them, journals around and write in them. Live, baby, LIVE! Your life has barely begun.

--Bri

P.S. Now that you're married, don't you DARE let your sex life die. You're finally allowed to, for God's sake!

New Times

2005-09-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

Ever read a blog regularly only to have its author drop off the face of the planet one fine day? It's happened to me, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I'd enjoyed that person's perspective for so long and then they just decided to disappear. No warning, no ending. Just silence. Obviously it's their perogative, but I think it's a darned shame.

Hey now don't jump to conclusions just yet. This blog isn't ending, I just wanted to give everyone a heads up as well as internalize a few ideas myself. The fact is that I can't be as prolific as I used to be. School, job, the works. I just don't have the time that I used to. So the style of this blog is going to change somewhat. First, I can't see myself posting more often than once every week and half to two weeks. But more importantly, I'm going to lay off the BY bashing and complaining. I've already made all the points there are to make on the subject, and quite frankly I just don't think about it so much anymore. Sure there are kids in religious straight jackets, but I've made peace with that knowing the strong ones will learn to break the chains without destroying the jacket. I can't save the world, and besides: There are some things you just have to do on your own.

Instead, each post will be more concentrated. It will be the summary of my thoughts on a subject over a matter of weeks, not one day. And I'll do some actual research, not just spout. There are a few things that are itching to be thought out and hey I'm going to be obsessed with them so I might as well share. I think that itching is the main thing that keeps me thinking. It's a certain lack of contentment; I'm forever unsatisfied. Look I'd love to just plod along sometimes, but I can't just go to school and go to work and have fun and babysit. There's always more, there must be more.

Oh and if anyone was wondering about what happened to that blog book, I just have to work on a way to modify it into postable form. I feel like I'm facing a brick wall in that department. Should I just post it as is, or do I need to change parts so as not to offend people? And gosh, since when have I ever cared about something like that?! The truth is that I could just post the book and the people who read this blog don't have to read the book and vice versa. It's just a creative thing of mine. Any suggestions?

A Bas Melech

2005-09-03T23:09:00.000-04:00

Amidst the frenzy of selling last semester's textbooks, getting acqainted with my new job and trying not to get into more trouble than I can handle, my mind hasn't exactly shut off. Being back on campus for my fourth and final semester at community college has fired off a few synapses. No, the classes are not that stimulating although I have high hopes for my Social Ethics and Human values class, and my boss is impressed with the fact that I'm taking a class in Small Group Communication (she thinks it means I take office teamwork very seriously or something).

It's about the people, actually. There are more and more frum kids, and girls are the majority. I've met a few. And it got me thinking. The fact is that the only frum guys on campus who aren't of the tiny kippah if any, pot smoking variety only take night classes because they're too busy with shidduch dating, jobs and whatever else they do. Lightyears away from the bored frum girls who just got back from seminary and will be transfering to Touro as soon as they get that scholorship/inheritance/their parents think that they're 'stable' enough not to be corrupted by the big bad city.

Is it just my imagination, or is a Bas Melech supposed to sit around and look pretty until she gets married while a guy is applauded for having a life? Because what are people going to think if she whirls around doing who knows what. A girl (and you are called a girl until you are married because until then you are not a real woman) needs to be protected by a structured environment. The fact is that everyone knows that a girl's reputation is like a china plate. Once it's damaged, no amount of repair can restore its original splendor. You'll always see that line where the crack was.

But why do we insist on remaining so Victorian? Shouldn't frum girls be allowed to leave their parents' homes and have their own apartments? Why are the guys trusted to be good while the girls are carefully monitored? Aren't guys more likely to be swayed by the pritzus in universities than girls? The logic just isn't shining through here.

Look the truth is that part of the impetus for this post came from a gaggle of old Bais Yaakov classmates of mine who I ran into last night. After the recquisite "OMG, OMG HOW ARE YOU?!!" and all that (I still don't understand why certain simple minded people insist on inquiring about people's wellfares when they really don't care), I did some thinking. And I realized that the fact that lots of people are happy to have permission not to think. And this isn't just the frum world. Catholic school also pressures young people to sacrifice their individuality on the alter of communal thought. Lots of people want to just do what their told, and live their lives in narrow little dot by dot pages instead of painstakingly covering every inch of their canvases with glorious color.

So yes, it's a choice. You can either drink the cool-aid or take on the more difficult task of being self aware. The rewards of the latter are mindblowing, because a life that's full of self expression has so much more depth and satisfaction. The thing is that the ones who just march in a straight little line would have you believe that their way is the ideal. I know I've said this a million times, but the new point I'm bringing out is this: If you're a girl who's made to feel substandard because you think for yourself, remember that Bais Yaakovs don't have a monopoly on being a Bas Melech. If you follow God's Torah to the best of your ability and try to develop yourself the best way you can to be close to him, you're playing the role of a Bas Melech to a much fuller extent than any by rote, cold and mechanical way could. Your heart and soul are connected to God - not just your actions. Remember: God isn't from Brooklyn.

Debt, Denial and Dumbness

2005-08-29T18:29:00.000-04:00

It's the week before college starts and there's so much to do. [Note to Daniel: I'm taking inorganic chemistry which isn't the fun subject, psychohistory, interpersonal communication and ethics 213 which is something about human perception of morals.] I apologize to anyone who was avidly watching for the next installment of that book, but I just couldn't post it before it's polished up a little. I have no way of knowing if my wonderful (and very unpaid) unforgiving editor is still around to rip me to shreds so I have to be careful. I hope you understand.

There's plenty of news, but hardly any that I can relate, unfortunately. Although I did finally get my first credit card which is a big deal. Now I didn't do it because I wanted to, but the fact is that these days you kind of need to in order to get a credit history. I much prefer to work with cash and debit so that I can't spend money I don't have. So the idea is to just grit my teeth, get the credit card (make sure there aren't any fees or anything) and be very, very careful with it.

Of course this new step sparked a whole lot of reading on my part. Everything from personal finance to books for college students on how not to go broke. Gosh they really do think young adults are complete idiots, don't they. According to statistics, most college students leave school 2-3K in debt! That both bowled me over and made me feel smart. I mean how much of a moron do you need to be to think of a credit card as free cash. Or maybe they're just too stoned to care. Hey you never know.

But the kids have some excuse. They're drunk and partying but most of all they're young and stupid. Everyone makes mistakes when they're young. It's kind of what we do. And hey I'm not immune. I've made (and come to think of it, continue to make) some pretty huge mistakes. But the adults don't have that to hide behind. They have life experience and all that. So why are more and more adults in America taking out second morgages etc to finance a lifestyle that's beyond their means? See that's staggering.

Anyway, the next time you see a Lexus, Porche or Cadillac don't be jealous. In all probability you're probably sleeping better than that guy. Because you're not the one in debt. (There's also the idea that guys with big cars are compensating for something, but let's not go there.) More later. I'm going to be late... Oh and for those of you who are going back to school/sem/yeshiva/college/university or a combo of any of the four options listed, I wish you hatzlocha.

Back In Action

2005-08-25T12:11:00.000-04:00

It looks like the summer is coming to an abrupt end. There's a whole week of freedom to go and I'd like to just enjoy it, but the reminders are everywhere. Little has changed since first grade, oddly enough. There's still the same shopping for school supplies except that it's mostly notebooks, pens and folders now instead of crayons, scissors and glue. And there's still that same slight rush of excitement. Although it's my fourth semester, three of my courses are electives I've been dying to take so I'm really looking forward to it.

So I'm going to put aside my endless debating about the role of the Jewish woman and all that and just enjoy myself. After all, I just got home from a very successful interview after which I got hired on the spot. My schedule will be insane, once again. Thirteen credits (including a chemistry course with lab), a 25-32 hour a week job and babysitting two or three nights a week. But don't worry - I won't vanish on you. They'll still be plenty of time to post especially if I keep sleeping as little as I do. I even got back to my blog book (Part 1 of Chapter 2 will be up by midnight on Sunday if you're interested).

I've been seeing my old BY friends all over the place lately. They're back from being counselors in camps and preparing for seminary. They live in such a different world. I think the main difference is that they'll still be treated like children in sem (with strict dress codes and curfews and all) while college students are responsible for themselves. What will be really cool is that a girl who hated BY as much as I did back in the day will be joining me in college this year. Her mother taught there so she couldn't leave early for financial reasons. She'll be taking the 101 courses while I'm nearly done, but it will be so cool to be back in school with her.

Anyway, I'd better go stop at school to wait on line at the bookstore for my overpriced text books. Ciao for now.

The Choice

2005-08-19T12:04:00.000-04:00

People who are becoming Baalei Teshuva are told that Orthodox Judaism is the ultimate path to happiness and fulfillment. However, this isn't why we should keep the Torah, and if it is...wow you're going to have to make some tough decisions if Torah law ever makes you unhappy. We all know that there are instances where the holy laws that structure our lifestyles directly conflict with emotional well being. Furthermore, they can be the sole cause of suffering at times.

The prime example of this is a gay person who is obliged to remain celibate during his entire lifetime. Sure he could decide to be deceptive, marry a woman and even produce children with her provided that he fantasizes about men while with his wife. But isn't that abhorrent, not to mention contrary to what Halacha advises? Are deception, guilt and misery what God has in mind for a gay man? Why would he create a person like this? Now before you start yelling about how gayness is a choice and anyone can be turned straight, think. Sure there are some who can end up being comfortable in a heterosexual relationship, but there are others who were just endowed by God with a different nature. And there's nothing they can do about it!

So what does God expect him to do? Be miserable for the rest of his life?! What would you do? Sure it's easy when Halacha just structures your life and makes you feel closer to God. But what if it interfered with your life? What would you choose?

This morning, I reread http://www.shomernegiah.blogspot.com and the surge of pity I initially felt faded quickly into...well...wonder. It's one thing to wait for marriage if you're my age or even five years older than me. But at some point wouldn't you just say it's enough? Gosh it just floors me. And then there's the evil part of me that wonders if it's truly ahavas hashem that keeps these singles away from sex or merely the desire to conform to their society's standards. There's a middle ground between getting married and picking a guy up at a bar, but it takes a certain kind of social atmosphere that just doesn't exist in the ultra-frum world.

Please think about this. Think about what your motivations for being frum are. Think about what you'd do if being frum conflicted with your happiness and what choice you'd make. Oh and if you've had to make that choice in your own life, I'd love to hear about it and your reasons for choosing as you did.