A Few Months Later
It's been months. The explanation? The happier you are, the harder it is to blog. At least for me. I'm not sure how it works for everyone else. I've done some thinking - about how much things have changed. About how lucky I am.
I have always made it a point not to discuss the intimate details of my personal life on this blog, but this time I'll make an exception. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lives with me. He moved in after last semester ended. He loves me to pieces. We go to college together, and it's awesome. I need those tough days at work and endless homework to remind me that I'm not dreaming.
Why do I mention this? Because there are specific decisions I made to get me to the place I'm at today. When I was eighteen, I was tempted to marry a man who I knew was not right for me in the long term. It would have been the frum thing to do. It would have been the easy thing to do. I didn't do it because I was able to see past the moment. I was able to realize that even though my teenage years seemed to stretch on forever, they were going to be a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. So I didn't do it.
My best friend in high school - let's call her Atara - married a man she only knew for a few months. She was nineteen and in love. He was very handsome and she was convinced that if she did things the "right" way her life would be better. A month after her wedding, she was pregnant. Her marriage went downhill from there. Now she is a twenty one year old divorcee with an adorable toddler.
I could launch into a diatribe about the state of marriage in the frum community, but I won't. I don't care anymore. My point is that I made choices that I doubted at the time. And they worked out. There was a time when I believed that God was up there watching me. That I would feel a niggling sadness down the line if I stopped being religious. But the truth is that I have never been more sure that I am living the way I should.
Recently I remembered that at my old high school the pages on evolution were surgically removed from our science books. At the time I wondered why the school found them so threatening. My family was cultured - more so than other families as I now know. We went to The Museum of Natural History. We had seen the bones of prehistoric creatures. I assumed that there were answers, and I grappled with them for a while. But honestly, the more I live the more I realize that religion is a sad hoax.
More on that later.
posted by brianna @ 9:11 PM
9 Comments:
BS"D
What will happen if 2 years down the road, you become an unmarried, abandoned mother of a baby?
The answer is that if you come back to your old community, you will be welcomed somewhere - sure, people will talk behind your back, but on the other hand if you are sincere others will look up to you as an example of someone who made a mistake and came back knowing the truth.
If you stay in your new world, you will be the lowest of the low, someone who was in the process of getting an education, got pregnant etc and you will be looked upon as we look upon the Welfarian mothers whom you so rightly disdain for having kids indiscriminately.
As for evolution and dinosaurs - both are reconcilable with Torah (however, I believe evolution is just a theory and it will be disproven at some point - Darwin himself said that the human eye is beyond his explanation and I was just reading about a frog that supposedly evolved backwards!)
But let's just say for a moment that evolution is true. Let's say that the tiger and the zebra look the way they do because they can hide out in the jungle vegetation of India and the tall grasses of Africa, and in one case hide before pouncing on an innocent water buffalo (or villager) and in the other case hide in the grass to avoid being pounced upon by the tiger's leonine cousin.
OK all is well and good. But why are those 2 creatures so beautiful? Such patterns would probably be more effective if they were drab and patchy rather than the way they indeed are.
And for that there is only one answer. Ma rabu maaseicho Hashem! Kulam bechochmo osiso! Kol ma sheasisi loi asisi ela bishvilchem etc etc.
Hashem is showing us the potential of His world and showing us that we, too, can create beauty, whether for strength or for protection (or even if only to be appreciated by ourselves and others just as these 2 animals are among the most popular in the zoo where I used to live).
What is more, if you accept evolution (and I don't but there are those who have reconciled evolution with Torah in a way that seems to make sense), then it would be proof of the chochmo of Hashem in creating His world!!
(Of course, we will have to wait for Moshiach to come before we know what the chochmo was behind creating cockroaches...or maybe they are meant to teach us a lesson that if we use our creative power wrongly, the result is not pleasant and gets out of hand very quickly).
So don't give it all up for the fleeting pleasure of a live-in boyfriend and because you are convinced by dinosaurs (proof that Hashem created other worlds before this one or perhaps proof of the flood - the only dinosaur that really bothers me is Senator Lautenberg) and evolution.
Read Slifkin if you want - the cherem against him is ridiculous as for people like yourself who are torn as to how to understand science, he only INCREASES and REINFORCES belief.
As for your friend "Atara", unless where you came from is very different than my part of the frum world, she will in due time pass her nisoyon and find her real bashert. And in the meantime, she has a support network of family and friends who are looking out for her every day and every moment that they possibly can. (Yes, I know it is not that way in every community but I know it is that way in mine whether in Brooklyn, LA, EY, Paris, London, Moscow, or yes, Monsey).
If you "mess up" (not that I think you will or chas vesholom hope you will) you will have nothing and be less than nothing in your new world. But you'll be welcome back in your old world even if you may have to put up with LH as you "prove yourself" again - or you would be very welcome in another part of the frum community where you would be accepted for who you are and assisted every step of the way so long as you are sincere.
OK ENOUGH - I have to run to simchas beis hashoeiva in another city now!
Gut moed! Hatzlocho! You should know only happiness and success wherever you find it!
Der Shygetz,
If I was ever somehow silly, unthinking or just plain unlucky enough to become pregnant before I got married, I would deal with it. I will be graduating with a bachelor's degree in May, and even if I got pregnant tomorrow (which isn't going to happen) that wouldn't change.
As for support, because my parents and many of my friends are religious of course I would still be in contact with the frum world to a point. I am still connected in some ways even when I don't need anything.
However I must say that in the situation you mentioned, I would be more accepted in the secular world. No one even blinks at unwed motherhood anymore. Welcome to the new century.
And just by the way, there are plenty of husbands who skip out on their pregnant wives, so being married isn't that much of a protection. I know a few cases personally. The fact is that life can throw things at you no matter what safeguards you put in place.
Another thing: Being white trash isn't merely a situation. It is a person's lifestyle, goals, upbringing and character. You could dress me in rags and make me live in a cardboard box and I'd still be me.
As for evolution, beauty does not prove the existence of God. All it proves is that nature is wonderful.
This post has been removed by the author.
BS"D
1) Yes, I should have included abandoned after marriage - plenty of that going on and it is really the same situation as having a baby out of wedlock.
2) So you are OK getting support from the frum community if something goes wrong but so long as things go right you're just connected because of accident of birth? No real problem there; in the secular world that's called hypocrisy but in the eyes of those in the frum world who provide that support whether as community professionals or volunteers, that's called kol yisroel arevin.., yisroel af al pi shechoto...chaverim kol yisroel etc. (of course, we're human too and there are times we feel we are being used, but "the show goes on").
3) No, you would not suddenly become "white trash" whatever that is in your own mind. But you could well end up being viewed as such by your former friends. And that monthly check from taxpayer money may be what sustains you when you cannot get a job because you need to take care of your baby alone - and that means that in the cold world of statistics, you are the same as any other able bodied welfare mother of an able bodied child - a leech. (Don't tell me about the large families where there is welfare abuse - Creedmoorer Chassidus is not the norm among any group including the most isolationist "Hungarian" Chassidim - and welfare supported kollel as a permanent way of life for all but the real future gedolim is another story altogether and will probably come to an end with the present financial situation).
Even though in the frum world you might be viewed as a "nebach case" that status would change once you remarried (and especially if you remarried and moved to another community).
4) The beauty (and functionality) of nature proves an orderly system of creation where everything is meant to serve or please or instruct mankind who in turn is meant to serve the Creator. The tiger does not know he is beautiful. You and I know he is.
1. I didn't say that I would come crawling back to the frum world if I needed something. I am somewhat connected now, and I would be somewhat connected then. My family is frum and I would definitely reach out to them. But I would not suddenly embrace the frum community if I was in a bad situation.
2. I have set things up so that there is less than 1% of a chance that I would end up a welfare mother. Actually that's just counting birth control. If I did get pregnant regardless, I would not be selfish enough to raise a child without the benefit of economic security and two loving parents. I would give the child up for adoption to a couple of my choice.
So I would NEVER become an able bodied leech. EVER.
Just wanted to offer a different opinion. YEAH for you for being happy!! And I sincerely hope it keeps going :)
Not that it makes a lick of difference in relation to the original post, but Shygetz, wow, just wow.
Being a single mother does not make you the lowest of the low or a leach - it makes you a person with a child, how you choose to respond to life, responsibilities, and circumstances makes the difference. And how on earth you thought you were making a convincing argument to come back from living in "sin," I have no idea.
And evolution...I'm not sure where to begin to touch that except that it pains me to know how prevalent your opinion is.
Just to qualify:
As a orthodox, single (teenage!) mother, who works full time, puts myself through school and pays yeshiva tuition without making myself a burden on or asking for favors from family, community or government, I humbly call BS on you. I certainly don't see my life as it is as a nisoyon, and while I do hope to find a partner I can love and respect, I am not interested in a besherit to rescue me from being a "nebach case."
BS"D
Kitty, I have very serious doubts as to the veracity of some of the information contained in your post, and in any case it is not a coherent reply to my arguments. I will not deal with it; if I am wrong so be it but I don't want to prolong discussion of the issue of welfarianism - the fact is anyone can become a welfarian (meaning an able bodied person who relies permanently on welfare and is not employed) in cases where familial and communal support fails after a misfortune.
Any further discussion I have with Brianna regarding her choice in life is on another forum and she is aware of my participation there.
Brianna;
After reading your post, as well as Der Shygetz's comments, I will say the following:
- I am sure that you believe in Hashem and the Torah, but it is something in your personal life that you turned off from living as you know you should
- Having a live-in boyfriend is cool, it feels good, it is exciting, and you are reveling in your freedom. Even if your life works out exactly as you hope - how long will your freedom last? You are young and healthy, and in your own words - cute. That won't last forever - and then you will have to face the results of your choices.
- You are a good person, but mixed up. Talk to people who really care - there are some people like that out there - and straighten out before your life turns to regret
Hey Brianna,
Sometimes I check in on my favs on my old computer - usually about once a year and I found your blog. Sfunny, you still link to me, even though I haven't posted in years.
I have a number of friends who went off the derech and I understand many of your issues.
First of all, I want to validate all of your feelings about the problems with religion. You are right 99 percent of the time in your posts. It is a failing of Judaism and religion that the correct responses to your questions are not taught as foundations. However, remedial info is out there - and I know I could probably give you answers that you'd at least respect if not satisfy you.
I'll try and follow your blog now and comment. But I don't think that you should feel guilty or that people should make you feel bad for your decisions. My best friend is a practicing homosexual and he's a really happy guy. I don't think that trying to scare you about having a miserable life if you aren't religious is an intellectually honest thing to do.
I think that's all for now. Nice to see you again.
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